I wish I wasn’t messed up

[Blueberryblues]

I’m so tired. Sometimes like tonight it’s hard for me to even want to be alive, i don’t know, I’m messed up. It just gets bad some nights to where I feel empty and numb and sad all at once, I don’t know how to describe it. I just know yesterday night I had the urge to burn myself with a cigeratte bc I think of mistakes that I’ve made, like I’m a screw up and I know that for sure. I’m not perfect at all. And tonight I just wanted to grab this pocket knife I have and push the sharp edge into my skin. I’ve already started doing in for the first time and it was one night that was very hard for me, I just couldn’t handle that situation at the moment but I’m not going to go into that. And I would get disappointed in myself when I push the knife to my skin and then realize it didn’t get to wear it was bleeding. It just looks like scratches, like I said I’m pretty screwed up, or I’m getting more screwed up day by day. I did it on my finger not on my wrist bc i don’t know why but it just did it much easier with a pocket knife on my finger and pushed in easier. This is the first time I even mentioned that and maybe twice I made myself throw up, ugh. Things are just hard, my anxiety’s worse since I graduated high school and now I got another job, and just I don’t know... it’s very hard to even go and I wish so much I could just be happy and free about everything but I always think too much. The last job I had I quit after 2 weeks because it just got to be too much for me.. I felt like no one liked me and that I was different and got treated different from everyone else there and I know I was right and part of me wishes I would’ve tried more.. I couldn’t even go back or even let a notice that I quit because I hate talking on the phone most of the time and didn’t even want to get my paycheck which of course I know is stupid bc I wouldn’t worked for free so my mom had to get it for me. I wish I wasn’t messed up.

[SamuelJ52]

Hi There, you're being very hard on yourself and trust me you don't deserve it. You can do all the things you want to do but it can be overwhelming if you're thinking about it all the time. Try making small achievable goals, even if it's tidying your room or reaching out to someone you care about to talk. Tick them off and give yourself little wins. I know how you're feeling, especially those thoughts of 'maybe if I'd just tried a bit harder'. But they're just thoughts and your thoughts are not you, they are fleeting expressions of consciousness and they will pass. Take care of yourself and don't feel bad about it.

[Hidden]

Hello

Do you have any reasons why you feel the way you do, to understand yourself will help you address your problems and move on in life.

At this first instance you need to explain your problem and needs to your GP, make a list with your explanations and problems. You have finished your studies and now you need to move on. Sometimes, the moving on takes time although as we proceed down life highways you will need to make correct informed choices and only you can make these positive changes.

You need to understand your needs and prepare the way for yourself, possibly a Course of CBT may begin to help if you have any heavy baggage that has effected your life choices. You need to come and understand any errors or choices you have made and move on

Make a GP appointment and write out a list of your concerns etc

BOB