I just think I messed everything up with him.

[Klil]

I've been dealing with anxiety and depression for a couple of years now.(but that's another story) there's this guy I've been talking to for a little over 4 months now and I really admire him. The only problem is, is he's heading off to college in a couple months and I'm going to be a senior in high school. I really like him, but my over thinking is really killing my happiness. And I straight up told him how I was feeling today, and how he was better off without me, that he should go and try to find someone when he goes to college. And it just hurts, I've been crying for the past couple of days because I feel like I just mess everything up because I'm thinking so negatively. He told me he was confused after talking to me today, and I just feel like I messed everything up.. why do I have to over think, why can't I just be normal. Why can't I just be happy for once?

[Rick1on1]

Hi,

If this guy likes you half as much as you do you him, then he will give you another chance.

What concerns me though is why his going to college is a problem for you. Is he moving to another city for college? Are you afraid of a long distance relationship?

What other negative thoughts do you have about the relationship?

[Klil in reply to Rick1on1]

He is going to a college about 45 minutes away from where I live, I'm not really concerned about the long distance part, I'm more concerned about some girl, sweeping him off his feet. I think highly of this guy, and I don't think he would hurt me. But at the same time you never know.

[Rick1on1 in reply to Klil]

Unfortunately, life is full is risks. You cant keep him from going to college.

You should look at bolstering your self-esteem. If you look after yourself first and he decides to go with another girl, then it's his loss not yours.

One of the recurring answers in this forum regarding relationships is that if you are not going to be happy with yourself, you cant expect someone else to make you happy. It's difficult but not impossible to let happiness spring from within you.

Let me know if you want to discuss this fact in greater detail.

[Klil in reply to Rick1on1]

Yeah that would be great

[Hidden]

We all at times overthink, it does not all relate to the young

In your case you are still very young, and you will throughout life met people like two ships in the night, that is what happens and you need to accept that and move on.

You could try and talk to Him again, although ask yourself the best way forward.

You are both very young and are both still studying, relationships become complicated when parted and not only that relationships are a distraction when studying. You need to ask yourself, be honest and ask yourself what you really want ? You have plenty time in life to find that perfect Mate

BOB

[Rocinante]

Hello Klil,

Thank you for sharing your thoughts, it takes courage. You told us that you have a history of anxiety / depression over a period of 2 years or more and you add as an explanation that you know you are ‘over thinking’ …and I guess that means over thinking in a totally negative way rather than a balanced assessment. You tell us that you don’t feel worthy of this relationship, your guy and the happiness he brings.

In your heart, I am sure that you share his joy, pride and excitement as he plans for college but then those negative thoughts kicked in and you fear a break up is inevitable, so perhaps you are protecting yourself from further pain by telling him that he will be better off without you and he should try to find someone when he gets to college.

He might interpret that as a brush off, that you are choosing to break up with him.

In fact, were you trying to explain how you feel inside, that you value the relationship and the happiness it brings but that you see yourself as somehow unworthy of this happiness? Clearly you don’t want to break up but you do need to establish how he feels about you, especially if you have explained to him that you have been ‘dealing with anxiety and depression for a couple of years’. It may be “another story” but you could share it with him and give him an opportunity to understand and support you?

For you, I suggest a “reboot” is needed, a bit like your smart phone. A good start point is to go out and physically tire yourself with strenuous exercise, until your knees wobble and you feel as if you cannot take one more step. Then sit down (I would say sit with a cup of tea) and think about your present circumstances. If you have experienced anxiety and depression over 2 years, then I guess that you’ll know there is no miracle cure to be found but the good news is … anxiety disorders and depression can be managed successfully. You may need help but you can gain greater control over, rather than your being controlled by, those excessively negative thoughts.

Talk with a trained counsellor (over a period of weeks not a single consultation) and seek his or her help making a list of (1) Your ultimate dreams and wishes; (2) Goals you can sensibly and reasonably achieve in the next couple of years (3) Your own inner values and behaviour standards that make the real you.

Then talk this through with the 'important others' in your life (initial thoughts lead to your parents but I know nothing of your family circumstances) and yes talk with your guy. Have the courage to explain your hopes and give him an opportunity to respond positively.