I’m so tired

[Blueberryblues]

There’s different ways of being tired. One way is of course the way when you don’t get enough sleep. Another way is when your not really physically tired but your mentally drained. The second is how I feel all the time and I hate saying this already because I feel like I’m going “it’s all about me”, I promise I’m not trying to do that. When I think of myself I picture a messed up human being who doesn’t deserve good things. It’s very hard to describe it but I feel worthless, stupid, fat, a lot of things that are negative, I don’t like myself at all and I can’t remember the last time I did. To go more into detail about who I am, I am an 18 year old girl Who weighs around 130 with a height of 5’2 and I weight myself every single day. Because I hate my body. I try to starve myself a lot, to wear when I finally eat I get dizzy. It’s gotten worse, I tend to have these episodes at night which are filled with depression and anxiety. I have a lot of anxiety. But I feel it getting worse.. to where I feel so alone and struggling to not knowing what to do with myself. It’s hard to even find a job because I am now starting to worry about people not liking me for me. I feel like people use me, I don’t want to talk to people anymore or care about anything anymore because I’m honestly tired of getting hurt but who isn’t. I’m just letting my thoughts flow out into this post because I really don’t know how much more I can take. I didn’t exactly have the best childhood or have the best life now. But I’m trying my hardest to be better.. to be worthy. I cry almost every night secretly, rarely let anyone see me cry. I don’t know what I tend to really get out of this post and I know y’all don’t exactly know what’s going on in my head because I don’t know it myself. All I know is that I’m messed up, I’m broken and I don’t know if I can be fixed. Some things I think about it how I don’t have a relationship with the rest of my family like I wish it could be.. I can’t even remember the last time we actaully had a normal holiday family gathering like Christmas. My moms also an alcoholic and she has been my whole life. That’s all I’ve really known of her and my dad I used to think was a good man, maybe he was before but now he’s lost himself. He doesn’t take care of himself, drinks all the time and it hurts just talking about it. Thank god this is anonymous. I really am a caring person itleast I think I am and I would do anything for my family even though there’s been times where they would use me for their advantage. When I hear about people I know telling about them and their family doing this for holidays or just spending time together I wish I had that.. I hate to admit it but I get jealous. Instead I have a separated mom and dad who both basically drink themselves to death along with my dad basically giving up on me and my brother and sister. There’s a lot of things.. but now I got another job and once again my anxiety’s horrible. I really am trying to stay with this one and not quit because my anxiety’s runs me over to where I can’t bare it anymore. I feel like no one will like me and that I’m a disappointment. Thanks for listening.

[ReardenSt33l]

I read your entire post. I feel for you. I struggle with horrible horrible anxiety that turns into depression throughout the day. It’s hard to offer advice when I’m also going through such a rough time. But know that I - and many others - are going through similar situations. We’re all in this together.

[Blueberryblues in reply to ReardenSt33l]

Yeah I definitely know there’s others but I guess it’s just hard to find them..

[ReardenSt33l in reply to Blueberryblues]

It definitely is. I’ve always wanted a support group to be able to talk openly about my feelings in person. But then I think that if I am to continue to talk about depression that I will let it envelop me and define who I am (something I really don’t want to do). It’s hard to find that balance.

[Blueberryblues in reply to ReardenSt33l]

Yeah a support group would definitely probably help, especially for people who feel they don’t have anyone to talk to about this stuff. And it’s always better to talk about your depression because it’s probably more likely to envelop you if you keep it silent.