Hi I’m new and need help

[Pigletove]

I’ve been feeling down and worried for most of my life but recently it has been getting worse, I work with people with profound and multiple learning disabilities, I love my job but a year ago we lost one of our lovely people then 6 months later we lost another one, I was with her when she passed and ever since then I have been feeling like I’m loosing control, I’m constantly worrying about everything I’m also so emotional crying at silly things, my stomach is in a constant knot I find it hard to eat sometimes and it burns and feels hot, I used to self harm years ago but recently I have felt the need to ease my pain and this is the only way I know how, I don’t like social situations and avoid them where I can otherwise I know I will get upset and embarrass myself and everyone, I’ve become very paranoid always thinking my husband doesn’t love me anymore or he’s met someone else because how can he want me when I’m so awful, there is nothing nice about me I’m not pretty or have a nice body and I’m always miserable, I’m not good at anything, when I go out I feel like people stare looking at me because I’m so ugly and unattractive

I feel like a complete disgusting monster in a world full of attractive and beautiful people and I’m screaming for help but no one hears me

I don’t know if this makes sense to anyone but this is how I feel every day and I know i need help I can’t keep torturing myself every day it is killing me thinking and feeling this stuff but I just can’t get rid of the thoughts no matter where I am or what I’m doing they never go away

[20Voices]

First of all welcome to the forum, sorry that you are feeling this way.

Can I ask if your work offers counseling or guidance to help you after the lose of people you work with, especially if you are with them when they pass?

I know my Mum had problems when she was working in a care home because every month there seemed to be a death and she lost a lot of the people she really liked in a short space of time. Even although these are people you work with you will still be grieving their lose and maybe grief counseling will help you.

It is understandable that when you are feeling really down that you will start to not like yourself and feel that you are not a good person.

I have been there and it is not a nice place to be, but you can get through this.

You have made the first step by accepting you need help.

So where do you go from here.

Well you can go and speak to your doctor and see what they advise and what is available to you in your area.

You can check and see on the internet what grief counseling services are available and what services are available for people who are struggling with anxiety and stress.

Maybe one to one counselling will help you.

I also think you would benefit from doing something where you are in a group, so maybe looking to take up some time of hobby may help. I found that when I started mixing with people again it helped take my mind off things.

Definitely check out the Shaw Mind Foundation website and also the resources that you can find in the pinned posts for this forum as they will help you. There is also some useful contact to CRISIS which may be of help to you.

Also speak to your husband because he will know that you have been struggling, so it might be useful to talk to him and let him know that you are going to get help to get over this.

You can get over this and you are not ugly and you are most certainly not a monster. We do feel awful about ourselves when we feel down, but you can get through this and you need to get out mixing with other people.

I hope this helps you to start with. Let me know if you have any questions or areas you want particular help with and I will share what I have done with you, or you could take a look at my profile and some of the posts I have written.

Also just typing into the search a subject you want to look into will give you a list of old posts and they might have information that is useful to you.

Take care and remember you can get better.

X

[justsaying1]

hi, I obviously dont know the whole situation and can only offer some advice. but the advice I will give you is to talk to your husband, you didnt mention that you have talked to him, and trust me it feels so much better when you tell someone exactly what you're going through, and if you can't find the words then write it down and ask him to read it. tell him how you're feeling and why and I'm sure he will try to help as much as he can. and regarding the feeling unattractive, I'm sure you aren't, a lot of people feel like that but thats just you convincing yourself that you are, one thing that helped me when I went through this was every day list three things that you like about yourself, if it be your hair turned out good today, or your eyes are looking bright, your lashes, your clothes absolutely anything that you like about yourself, and really dig deep, think of one or two or as many as you can think of a day when you are feeling like this and focus on those things, not the negatives. I'm sure you are absolutely beautiful, everyone is. stay strong and I hoped this helped you

[MAS_Nurse]

Hello Pigletove and a warm welcome to you on this very helpful forum. I am really sorry to read about how low and depressed you are feeling and how awful you feel about yourself. You have been given lovely words of encouragement and sound advice from both 20 Voices and justsaying1. You are doing a fantastic and very worthwhile job and this means that you are a very caring and sensitive and nice person. But sometimes in a job like yours where you have been with clients who have sadly 'passed away' can leave you feeling emotionally drained and very low in mood. I do wonder if you have an Occupational Health Department that you can access through your work, that you could make an appointment to see them. They may be able to offer you a course of counselling and perhaps even bereavement counselling, where you can talk about the losses of your two clients in a confidential and therapeutic environment. Also I wonder if some time out from work may help you to access help so that you can start to feel better about yourself and in yourself. You may think about starting a journal or diary and write down how you are feeling and what helps you and if there are triggers that make you feel worse and more depressed and anxious. As suggested talking with your husband may be your next step, as coming on this forum has been a huge first step for you to get help. He may be very worried about you and sometimes just opening up to someone can be beneficial. I wonder too if you would go and see your GP .and tell him/ her all that you have written in your post here. A course of medication may help to relieve some of your anxiety and start to lift your mood, together with therapy. This is important as you say you have been feeling down and worried for most of your life. Perhaps there are things from your former years that you need to explore, as these could be impacting on your low mood throughout your adult life. Also read through the pinned posts to the right of your screen, which has very helpful information and support. Try thinking about nice things about yourself and write these down, and you will come to believe that you are not ugly and you are certainly not a monster. Remember that you go into work every day and care for people, they and your colleagues will see that you are a very warm ,loving and caring person with a lot to give. Start by being nice and kind to yourself, when those negative thoughts come into your mind replace them with positive thoughts about the good and valuable and worthwhile job you do. This implies that you are a valuable and worthwhile person. take care of yourself and continue to post here so that you will get lots of support to help you feel better......... very best wishes to you.........

[Hidden]

Go to a counseling place And talk to someone

[sweetiepye]

Hello Love, I understand and have experienced some of your issues. I'm just going to give you a few things to think about.I was with my brother when he died and it changed me, I had a physical and mental reaction. You are better able to deal with it in time. The people you think are judging you are probably worrying about themselves and not giving you a thought. Self harm, you are just exchanging on kind of pain for another, one that leaves a constant reminder. I am an artist and I have drawn many many people. Magazine pretty people are not what we want to draw, we want people with interesting faces, faces with character, older faces that show they have lived. I have yet to meet a truly ugly person. I have meant people who are ugly on the inside. I doubt you qualify for either you sound lovely. and I'm sure your husband thinks so also. I cry at commercials how pathetic is that? The most important characteristic to me is kindness and I work at it.Decide what's most important to you and put your energies there. Don't forget the counseling. Pam

[Hidden]

Hiya, sounds like you are very caring, gentle and generous person going through a very tough time. We often do not see the good things in ourself that others see. You are amongst friends here with similar vulnerabilities, so please continue to reach out for support and be kinder to yourself, because you are a special and unique individual. Take care,

[Pigletove]

Hi everyone, thanks you so much for all your kind replies

When you feel like this you kinda of feel so alone but it kinda helped to know there are So many people out there feeling like this or worse

I have talked to my husband, I had to and he has been wonderful in listening to me and making me feel loved and safe but he didn’t really get it and I know that’s not his fault he wants me to go get help too

I have tried asking work for help and they just tell me to call our phone line to talk through my problems but I’m scared of using the phone I cannot talk to people on the phone so I don’t think that would help me

I have had counselling in the past and was on Prozac for years after a traumatic event in my past, I think it did help but it seems that when traumatic things happen to me I become like this,

I’m so scared of loosing my husband because of all this even though he says it will never happen, my ex cheated on me and left me because of my problems he doesn’t believe in mental illness and said I was making it up, we moved away from everyone and I had no one and developed an eating disorder my self harming was out of control, I was so unhappy, when I found out I moved back home but he followed me because of our children and continued to control my life even though we wasn’t together

When I met my now husband I still had issues but with his support was able to get through them and now I feel like all that’s gonna happen again, I get these horrible thoughts in my head that won’t go away no matter how hard I try to think about other stuff and it makes me feel so horrible then I’m upset and I’m worried he will get fed up

Sorry this is so long just I’ve not had anyone to tell any of this stuff to, and just knowing someone might read this and maybe understand where I’m coming from helps a bit

Thanks for reading