Long post

[Rhe-bee]

It’s 4:00 in the morning, just finished having an anxiety attack, so I figured I’d dump all this junk in my head out onto here and go to bed if I can.

I’m convinced I’m a terrible person and at this point, I feel like there’s no looking around it. Everyone says find something you love and pursue it, do what makes you happy. Well atm, nothing makes me happy. And the two things I’ve dreamed of doing, I am completely terrified to try and achieve. They require the skill of self esteem and that I do not posses, or at least can’t figure it out. I can’t remember a time when I had self esteem so I have no clue what that feels like.

I wish I was four years old again, with everything I know now. Screw this perfection driven, “just be you, but only just a little cause you’re too much,” trendy, fake, toxicity spreading society we live in. I look in the mirror and I see the opposite of what I was supposed to be. Parents split, changes my world before I even knew what was going on. I Wasn’t good enough for mommy and step dad, Father let his new girlfriend wreck my emotional stability for 6 years before my grandmother had to step in. Constantly grounded for months at a time with nothing but walls to stare at, biting at my nails, itching my skin. Thinking suicidal thoughts at 12 years old, writing “ you’re disgusting and I hate you,” on anything and everything and made sure to hide it from mom.

Mom decided it was a good idea to let me go to school with makeup in 4th grade, it became a staple, I hated myself without it. And now it’s become a must if I leave the house. Hit in the face enough times to flinch anytime she came near me and would punish me for flinching as well. Always getting in my face and screaming, with cigarettes staining her breath from the stress I was putting on her she says. Step Dad sees the physicality of her anger towards me and claims he didn’t see a thing and made sure to knock me once or twice too. Having a woman I barely know, start dating my Father and completely wedge her way into our family and try to tear it apart. Threatening to grab me by the throat and shove me through walls. Eventually went as far as to claim I was sexually attracted to my own Father when I was 14 years old. It came down to me having to defend myself after she tried attacking me after school one day.

This is a very short summary of the things that still haunt me, but I feel like I should be passed them by now. I hate that I let my past completely change me into this scared introvert who can’t do anything without having an anxiety attack. I haven’t experienced life and I feel like I don’t want to anymore. If this is what the world is like, anything like what I experienced growing up, why? I’m not strong enough, I’m not enough in general for the way people live in this world. I’m not proud of me or who I am, I’m disgusted. I don’t blame my parents, I just blame me. Maybe I could have been a better child and made it easier on them. I caused this pain and I know I deserve every hardship I face.

Good night

[Suzie40]

I don't think 'should be passed them' exists. I still struggle with experiences from 30 or more years ago. Did you manage to get some sleep? x

[Rhe-bee in reply to Suzie40]

I want to at least be able to not constantly think back to all those horrible times, maybe never get passed them but at least tolerate it. I feel like I have a giant hole in my chest. I managed to fall asleep, crying a lot tends to help😉

[Suzie40 in reply to Rhe-bee]

Aaw don't like to think of someone crying themselves to sleep x

[Rhe-bee in reply to Suzie40]

I’m sure one day, I’ll go to sleep and wake up and realize everything’s okay. But for now I think I gotta let all this crap out through tears xo

[Suzie40 in reply to Rhe-bee]

Fair enough, but if you ever need someone to chat to late at night, I'm usually about x

[Rhe-bee in reply to Suzie40]

I certainly will, thank you for responding♥️

[gerrerd]

Watch Wayne Dyer programs on you tube daily, your thoughts and life will then change. Ray

[Rhe-bee in reply to gerrerd]

I’ll have to check that out for sure! Thank you for the recommendation

[Angelcat01]

Hi Rhee-bee. Your not a terrible person. You’ve just been through an awful lot of bad experiences at a young age that no one ought to go through.

Thank you for being so honest and sharing. Also don’t think for one minute that you are responsible for the pain these adults inflicted upon you. You were a child dependent upon them for love and care.

I pray you managed to sleep- which is not easy once you’ve been triggered. I also hope you can find a suitable therapist who you can talk to and work these difficult childhood memories with.

Sending hugs your way. 🤗🤗🤗

[Rhe-bee in reply to Angelcat01]

Yeah I suppose there’s not a whole lot we can do as children when it comes to the parents. I just gotta start living my life without all the stuff I’ve been holding onto. Can’t move forward if I keep looking back. Thank for you hugs, even virtually it helps.🤗

[MAS_Nurse]

Hi Rhe-bee, I am sorry to hear that you have had such a lot of very difficult experiences. I hope that it has helped you to share these with other members of the forum. As angelcat01 has posted, you are not responsible for any of the pain that has been inflicted on you. It is true when you said you can't move forward if you keep looking back. Have you received any help and support to help you to deal with all that you have experienced? It may be a good idea to go to see your family doctor who will be able to arrange some counselling for you [it may be helpful to you to take a trusted family member or friend to the appointment].This will help you to work through all of this, so that you can move forward with your life. Please continue to post on this caring forum and let us know how you are getting on. Thank you and best wishes.

[Strongheartforever]

Hey you, just read your post. You are special to me. We are all with you in this, walking with you. Picture us arm in arm. I’m 42. For some reason I don’t even think about much childhood stuff anymore. I think you’ll get to that point too. There comes a point where you’ve cried enough tears. So when the tears build up, shed them. Feel it. You’ll be one cry closer to the end of the tears. And you’ll be on to a new journey, with tears for other things! Emotions are a signal that what we’re doing isn’t working anymore too though. So change your perception or your behavior and find an empowering answer somehow if possible. Your parents were flawed and really messed up and were too weak to be good parents. Can you forgive them? I think that might free you. So much love from my heart to yours...

[Hidden]

I've just read your post and I just feel so much sadness and love for you. I really hope you find some peace and someone who genuinely loves you and looks after you. My own problems pale to insignificance. Take good care. x