I'd like to remind you that you can do whatever you want to do in life .. We all can .. Many of us are locked into fear instead of embracing love and freedom .. You are very young and have great opportunity to carve your life to how you want it .. It won't happen overnight and will take time but you will be able to free yourself from the control you are under at the moment .. Take time to plan your escape from this .. It's not impossible .. Like I say it will not happen overnight .. Great patience is needed and the knowledge that you can change your life .. Change your thoughts results in changing your life .. What would you like to do ? Once you have found that out then you can make steps however small towards your goals .. As long as you keep going forward you will succeed

Hi there,

I support what Satsuma has said. You are young and have your whole life ahead of you. Things can seem daunting at 16 years, but also can be exciting as you are on the cusp of a great adventure into life, and life can be what you shape it to be. In psychology, there's a term called having a 'locus of control', this can be external e.g. from the environment, other people etc., or internal e.g your own thoughts, will etc. Preferably we want to have an internal locus of control. Many people blame their situation as being out of their control and that if only this or that changed, or other folks changed it would be better. But what we all fail to realise at times is that the choice is ours. We can choose to let others control and dictate how we behave, or we can rise above that, and choose how we are going to think and behave, and how the direction of our life is going to be.

While you are 16 and still at home in the UK at least, you a still legally a minor and have to be in the care of your parents or primary caregivers, or in supported accommodation until you are 18years old. But you can start planning now what you want to be and do. Friends will come as you find things that interest you and you find people who like what you do too.

I am concerned having looked back at your earlier post in November, that the supportive advice given to you on here seems to have not made any difference. If you are a sad and low as you say, then I strongly urge you to speak to your GP about how you feel and what they can do to help you. They can give you medication but also, refer you to CAMHS (Child & Adolescent Mental Health Service) for other therapies e.g. talking therapy.

Keep in touch, stay strong.

Best wishes,

MAS Nurse and Moderator

Hi,

I'm sorry to hear that you are feeling this way. I myself have had these similar thoughts over the past year but I'm happy to say I managed to fight my way through these personal demons with the aid of meditating. I don't know whether you have tried this but I believe it to be a great tool in helping us understand why these thoughts have arisen and how we can deal with them. In addition to this, I recommend that if you try learning how to meditate, you can find several self love meditations online (Youtube mainly) which will help raise your own belief in yourself and help raise your own self esteem. If you believe that you can't be yourself then this will be your reality. If you allow yourself to make others responsible for your mood then you will have no personal power. The key is believing in yourself and believing that you can make a difference and that you do serve a purpose. As mentioned, you are still very young and have a long, abundant life ahead of you so fight for yourself and your future and you will beat this!

At sixteen we are at an age where we look at those a year or so older and have the need to move onto that time, in other words we are slowly becoming adult and the need to move on becomes or supposed great urgency. It happens to most people as they progress through their teens. It happened to me when I started to attend College and in a way should have slowed down and understood there was plenty time to go to make calculated changes to my further life choices. When we are young and in teens things are changing in our body, we become more impatient to move on as an adult the bottom line is we are not ready and we can make errors, that will be one reason why your family is treating you the way they do,

Plan your future, what your needs are, you will make errors, we all do, your family is there to help and comfort you through these difficult years.

You have a great deal to look forward to over the next five years, it can actually get more dynamic in your twenties. Start planning. Exciting times await. When you can control ever changing demands at this early time.

Your parents have your interests at heart and are trying to help you not make some negative, impulsive decisions.

BOB

Hi!!! I had very similar symptoms on those ages. That age your brain is having such a lot of changes. Your brain, thoughts and feelings will never be the same. For some of us -and you- this process is not easy going. We are all different and so we live body process in different ways. As an advice that help those years was: keep doing tour domestic activities: from wake up every day to wash your teeth, take a bath, clean your room, listen music, take a walk, look nature (a simple growing plant help for some people) . Feel your body. Take a sit, take deep breaths, feel sounds of the environment, feel your body, explore your thoughts, keep long breaths, and repeat. This is a type of meditation, it is a sub type of mindfulness meditation.

Everything will change with time.

Give you best wishes.

Good luck my friend

U see I do all them things but no other activities. I used to love playing football and kickboxing and so many other stuff that I wanted to start. But I was never allowed and I always got told football is for boys girls shoulfnt be doing that. My family are religious and so as I, as I’ve been brought up In family that are religious but that doesn’t mean that they control you and tell you what to do. And even me I promised myself when I’m older if I have children I’ll alwys support them and let them make their own decisions and I won’t force them to do anything they don’t want to. Im not even allowed to communicate with anyone out of school like my friends and let’s just say one day my parents/ family were like “we think u should be able to see your friends and spend time with them” I would actually say no to them because I’m insecure and self conscious about myself because I was never allowed to go out ever. And because of that I’m like scared for my future and how people will see me because it’s as though I’ve never met anyone new, like I don’t know how to approach people or talk to them because I was just never allowed to do anything. U know I don’t see myself being happy in the future ever, I don’t see myself doing the things I want accomplishing all the things I want to do. I don’t see anything to look forward to in my life.

My life was similar to yours at 16. My recommendation would be to focus on what you want to do with your life since you are not considered an adult and have to rely on your family for support. You sound very depressed. If you could do anything you wanted with your life, what would it be? Then focus your energies on ways to achieve this life. I decided to be a teacher since I love children and wanted the freedoms of extended vacations. I ended up going to college for 8 years to get my undergraduate degree and two graduate degrees. I challenge you to start researching and planning for your future as two years is not very long. I know at 16 it seems you will never be 18 but you will. Have a plan ready to support yourself, pay for schooling, etc. Try not to focus on others lives because it is not yours at the moment. Surround yourself with positive, uplifting people. Cut negative people and thoughts out of your life. You can be almost anything you want to be, but you must start now.

I wanted to be a solicitor but more a teacher as I loved working with children but now I want to be sormbtung like a social worker. I don’t know if this sounds weird but when I’m older I wanna foster and adopt children. I do want to college but I want to travel the world, like all of it. That Is my dream come true but I know it’s not possible. I don’t have many friends left as I was kicked out of my friends group in school and honestly I’m alone. I have no one to talk to. I have a pastoral manager in school who I see told my ex friends about everything that’s been going on and how I feel and then we had a heart to heart. It was really hard and honestly speaking to my teacher in school doesn’t feel like it’s helping. She can’t help me change my life if i can’t even myself. I I just can’t do anything anymore. I’ve tried my best I really have, I try to make my family happy and proud of me. But they never award me never praise me and tbh I’m the “good”

One in the family. I always help out, I never say no to anything cause I feel bad and I always put others first. I respect them I do anything they want me to. My family are religious and so am I, as I was brought up in a religious family. I just don’t know about everything, anything anymore.

Honey, I am 56 and know what you are going through. I was raised in a Christian home. In the U.S. it is called the Pentecostal Denomination. It was very strict. My father was very controlling. My mother was not. She is the most wonderful mother ever. Dad told me what to wear and allowed us, 4 kids, to do nothing fun. We lived in fear of that man. I want you to take all this advice we share and use it. You are 16 and can make some choices of your own. One day you can look back and laugh at the control your parents put on you. I have been there too. The therapist is wonderful. I have recently recovered from 40 years of Anorexia. This was due to my dad. I fight daily to never relapse and I will always win. If not for my therapist I would have died from Anorexia. Love you. You are a person and have a voice.

Hi M_young,

I've read through all of this thread at least once and I want to start off by saying I think you're very brave by coming on here and sharing. I really do hope one day you can reach your dream of becoming a teacher or a social worker and travelling the world, although I do appreciate that in your current situation this may feel beyond your reach.

I'm coming at this from a slightly different angle, as what I immediately noticed from your post is that you feel you're being controlled by your family, and this is reinforced further on in the comment section. You say you really don't feel you can talk to your family, and you don't feel supported by them (in fact, you seem terrified just to go to see your GP in case they find out). This, combined with the fact that you're no longer doing what you used to enjoy (kick boxing and football) because they apparently disapprove, might suggest an imbalance of power that is beyond what one might expect to see in a healthy dynamic between a teenager and their family. This is especially now that you're getting toward the age where they should begin to trust you and give you more freedom, which they don't seem to be doing. In fact, you seem very isolated, which I'm concerned about, and I'm wondering why the relationship broke down with your former friendship group, whether you're family could've been instrumental in it and want to keep you isolated, so they can keep you dependent on them and therefore continue to have control over you. You seem to have very low self confidence - not a criticism at all, just an observation - and you said yourself you wouldn't have the confidence to socialise out of school, even if your mother and father allowed you to. This would perpetrate the cycle further and make it easier for them to exert power over you. It's a very hard cycle to get out of, especially as you're so young and you haven't yet had the experience to develop the skill set you need to escape their control. Legally, you're still underage, making this even harder to resolve.

I could be wrong, but also think your family's religion is an important factor in this; in fact the foundation from which they use to justify the control they exert over you - possibly saying it is "for your own good", or to "protect you".

I am wondering what else they try to control in your life.

For example: Do they closely monitor what you're doing in your day to day life?

Do they try to control how you dress (and whether you wear make up etc)?

Do they tell you that you can't date, or look for a romantic partner, because you're "too young" and/or it has to be someone they approve of you seeing?

Do they control who you spend time with, and/or not allow you to spend time with certain people (or people from a certain social group) because they would consider them to be a "bad influence" on you? Or because they believe it would "bring shame on the family"?

Are they pressurising you to go down the higher educational route they want you to study, rather than let you do what you want to do?

Are you afraid of them? Because it's important to remember, there is a line between respect and fear.

Just think about each question and be honest with yourself about the answer. Because if the answer to ANY of them is "yes", then what I suspect is, this may be a case of Emotional (and Honour Based) Abuse, and that's not okay. I know this is a hard and painful thing to be confronted with. We all love our family, and it's upsetting to view them in a negative light, or to question any of their behaviour. If what I've suggested is incorrect, I apologise.

I could still be wrong even if you answer yes to any (maybe even all) of the above. I don't know enough about your situation to make a definitive judgement. It could be that they just worry and are over protective, and you don't want to talk to them because you don't want to upset or concern them, which is understandable and fair enough. And, as other people have said, it's normal to have family conflict at this age...

But with everything you said I couldn't not put the suggestion out there. And I think, that even though you may not feel it now, that you're strong enough to hear this if this is the case. If this is what's going on for you, you may need to hear it anyway for the sake of your welfare. Only you know what you really go through, and whether it's a possibility or not. And if you think this may be the case then you need to find the strength to take action.

It's just I notice that not only do you appear to lack confidence, but you also seem to find it impossible to say how you really feel (that you lie and say you're fine). You also say you've been feeling terrible for a long time. This MIGHT suggest that your family have been essentially trying to indoctrinate (brainwash) you over this period and you now lack confidence as a result. Or there could be some other reason - as again it's not uncommon to lack confidence at this age.

You also say that you feel jealous of other people your age, which may suggest that you're noticing what's normal for people of your age regarding the freedom they're given - and that you're starting to become aware that something in your family isn't right? Again though, it's not uncommon to feel jealous now and then.

You also say you find it hard to trust other people, and this wouldn't be surprising either. Because if you can't trust your own family, the people who are meant to protect and care for you, as well as help you to build your confidence, then no wonder you would find it hard to trust other people, if this is what is going on.

The fact that you find it hard to see a bright future too, could also be indicative that your mother and father are trying to control the rest of your life.

Many people have said that watching the Disney Film Tangled helped them to realise they were being emotionally abused by their family (because of the relationship between Gothel and Repunzel). And a YouTube channel called The Princess and Scrivener created a video about this. Watching this may also help you to answer the question, or at least raise awareness further.

There is also a YouTuber called Kati Morton, who is a licensed therapist, who has a lot of good quality content on anything mental health related, including really good information and advice on recognising and dealing with emotional abuse and toxic relationships.

If you type "Kati Morton" and the topic you're interested in into YouTube it should come up. She also has information on Depression, Anxiety, self confidence - anything mental health related. I suggest you check her out as she has advice for coping in the short term as well as the long term.

So now we've established this may be a possibility, what can we do about it?

First of all, it's really important to address the issue you have with your mental health, regardless of what may or may not be happening at home it's clear you're struggling mentally, and emotionally - that's why you posted.

So if there's anyway you can get the medical attention you need (without your family finding out) please do so. It's important a medical professional rule out any other possible cause for a mental health issue, such as a thyroid issue or nutritional deficiency. They can rule any of this out with a blood test. As other people have said, you're over 16 so legally they can't tell your family, but I understand, if they're trying to monitor your every move, why you would worry.

Furthermore, a medical professional may be able to connect you to more suitable support, like counselling, or another support service or charity in your local area. Is there a school nurse, or a drop in centre you could go to, or maybe you could arrange a telephone appointment with the GP during school break time, assuming you have a mobile phone. As well as Depression or Anxiety, your potential situation could put you at risk for developing (Complex) PTSD in later life so it's important to be mindful of this. (I can't get the link to work but if you type in "Out of the Fog C-PTSD" into an online search bar you should find it.)

I understand this must all feel very over whelming and you don't know where to turn because you find it hard to trust people. But if there is anyone at all - maybe a teacher - finding the courage to confide could be really helpful. If there really is no one, then as MAS_Nurse suggested, Childline might be a good place to start. You could also try the Samaritans. You can call them, email them, or they may even have a local branch you could visit. They are a confidential service, available all day every day and will listen without judgement. At the very least, they can provide emotional support.

samaritans.org/how-we-can-h...

Regarding your situation at home, it is important to have a plan to leave, as other people have said. It will be, in theory, easier to do once you're 18 (assuming you're in the UK), although I understand this is a long way off, especially when you're still developing. Alternatively, you could consider applying for Emancipation, although I don't know a lot about how you would go about this.

Unfortunately I don't have much awareness specifically on what the best service may be to help with your potential situation, but there IS help out there. You just need to look. Doing an online search may bring up information about what support is available in your area, although maybe do this at school, or privately, so you don't get caught doing it. If you're in doubt about getting caught, I suggest going through a different route as described above. (One of the Helplines might have information about what support is available.) If you ever feel you're in immediate danger, please don't hesitate to contact the police.

I think connecting with a counsellor, for example through the NHS - although this can have a long waiting list (I'm assuming you live in the UK) could be beneficial. As someone said, they would probably refer you to CAMHS. Alternatively you could try a school counselling service, or a young person's organisation. This would benefit because they can help you manage your mental health as well as whatever may be going on at home. They may be able to identify whether your family are behaving reasonably or not. I know you said you speak to a pastoral manager but I'm not sure this is really helping, and you might find it easier to connect with someone more qualified in mental health training, who maybe has the same faith as you.

I think I've exhausted everything I want to say. If I find any more information - or get the link to work - I'll let you know. In the mean time please keep posting and keep us updated. We're all here to support you.

I meant what I said about you being strong. You found the courage to come on here and be honest with us, you know what you want from life and haven't let go of what you dream of doing. You're stronger than you think.

Sending you warm, comforting vibes

ww xx

You need to stop boiling your whole life down to either failure or success because that isn't realistic. You have to remember that life isn't an end it's a journey and so even if the 'ends' may not be what you want you can have laughs and meet people on the way. Go outside and do something. If you can't sleep take a walk or read a book. You said that your jealous because others are able to be themselves. Who is stopping you from being yourself... staying true to yourself is something only you can do not your family. I hope this is helpful

Alex