I'm just so tired

[Young_wolf]

So its came to this. I don't know even know why I'm here writing my most inner thoughts to a bunch of people iv never met. shows how desperate iv got lol Here goes...

So i have been ill with depression and anxiety for 6 years now. Well I'm pretty sure i have always suffered from them both, i remember being very depressed as a young child but didn't understand what it was. So i was actually diagnosed with these two 6 years ago. It came to a head for me when my boss was bullying me at work. I got fired from there due to my illness and grassing on the boss. I thought when i was out of that situation my life would start to get better. Boy was i wrong, i had no idea the pain and suffering that was awaiting me and that was just the beginning.

I have had a lot of things go wrong for me In my life from operations to bad relationships including partners and friend. But i will spare you the details. I have tried meds that the doctor prescribed for depression and they did nothing but make things worse for me. After many attempts i stopped and seeked out a therapist. She was great, i seen her for about 2 and a half years. She helpped me leave the house again and i even got a part time job a year ago. However i couldn't see her forever as my parents were paying for my session and as you can imagine it was extremely expensive for them. To date my anxiety isn't what it used to be, it does pop up now and again just to remind me it's still there but i manage better now when it does. I have never been able to control my depression however. I feel like everyday is a fight to stay alive, to fight for my life that i should be living and I'm just getting really tired. I'm tired of fighting, i just dont have the strength. After 6 years of struggling to get my life back together and I'm still not happy. I feel like i will never be happy. Its like its just not in me. I've hated every job I've ever had, after a year at a job i loathe it. I only work 2 days a week at the moment and i hate it. I feel like my mental health won't allow me to be a normal person who gets up and goes to work everyday. Why do i have to struggle so much. I feel so much anger and sadness all the time i just want it to stop. I want peace.

Im only 26 and i have no one, i push everyone away because i know they will just hurt me like everyone before them. I have no one at all to talk to and i feel if i do open up to my family that they are sick of hearing it. They are sick of looking at my depressed tearful face. Even im sick of it, so how can i expect others not to be. Its like everyone including myself is thinking, when is she going to get over this. Iv lost my bestfriend because they just couldn't put up with it anymore. I was dragging them down with me. I tried not to but i struggle so much sometimes i cant hide the pain behind my eyes. I feel like everyones moving away from me. Like if they forget about me the problem goes away.

I have tried everything to help myself. Volunteering, working, meet up groups, making new friends, meds, herbalists, just to name a few. But im still completely empty inside, just waiting for me to fail and for people to see who i really am. Im tired of pretending I'm this happy go lucky, funny girl, because im not and sooner or later they will find out because for someone as depressed as me to force myself to not look it.... well its just exhausting. Even my GP doesn't know what else to offer me. They've gave up. Everyone's gave up on me, and im really struggling to see why i shouldn't do the same

[Luca_]

I don't know what to say to you which is not a good way to start any reply. I have literally just joined this app and all of what you just said, especially the job problems, tiredness, pushing away from others bc they will hurt you, and telling all that on an app where nobody knows you were the most relatable stuff i have heard in literally years. I don't know how to convince you to not give up, I'm not a professional, im practically a kid. But please, isn't there anyone who would miss you? Your parents may be "sick of your depression" but didn't they still love you enough to pay for therapy for awhile? Wasn't there anything your therapist said while you were with her that made you not so tired? Life sucks almost all the time, and there are more opportunities for you to get help. Communities like this, hotlines, anything. Maybe even making friends online would be easier and less painful. I'm not sure how to get you to stay. Because I believe you should live, I cant imagine what youre going through and i cant truly imagine the tiredness you must feel and so this is gonna sound a lot more crappy when i say please dont give up and hold onto your hope for a better life and job. I'm sorry if anything i said offended you or made it worse, I just wanted you to know I read this, I dont know you but I care and I dont want to see you gone. Please, try to reach out and get professional help, maybe even try getting paid to do surveys online to help pay for it if it costs money. Hotlines are always free. Help is free. I believe in you

Lilly

[Young_wolf in reply to Luca_]

Hi Lilly,

Thanks for your response. Your very kind. Please dont worry about me, i may feel like throwing in the the towel at times but i couldnt do that to my family. And yes your right my parents would miss me but i just can't ask them for any more money for a therapist.

I feel like they need a break from me, i wish i could have a break from me lol i have tired online friends but it didn't work out. I just get so tired of trying to live my life sometime i just need to talk about it, you know, so thanks again for your kind words. I know it might not seem like it but it really meant a lot that you took time out of your life to comfort a stranger

[Hidden]

Hello, I'm very sorry to hear about the difficulties you've faced in recent times. There are lots of caring people on this site who will offer you support, advice (if you want it), a listening ear and empathy. Depression is an illness that can be successfully treated. GPs often don't have the knowledge or time to do that, so it may be that you should get referred to a specialist. Are there support groups in your area that you can attend? I can assure you that not everyone will give up on you - there will always be many kind and compassionate people who will help you. Please don't give up - you may not think so at present, but you have a unique and valued place in this world. Take care,

[Young_wolf in reply to Hidden]

Hi Sebastian,

Thank you, yes im starting to see that. Yous have a great community going on here. I'm glad i stumbled across it.

I did not know that you can see a specialist. Do you know, would that be my GP that would make that referral?

I'm not too sure about attending a support group. Its getting harder for me to open myself up these days and i would be worried about getting angry or upset infront of people. Thank you for the suggestion though i will keep it in mind.

i just haven't found my place in the world yet and its frightening. This isn't how i imagined my life going at all.

Thanks again for your kind words

[Hidden in reply to Young_wolf]

Good Morning Young-wolf. Referral to a specialist, assuming you are in the UK, is normally through your GP but it is free. Here is a link which might help. nhs.uk/using-the-nhs/nhs-se...

Some GPs are better than others and you sometimes have to be (very) persistent. You might want to book a double appointment with your GP so you are not rushed, write down everything you to say to him/her in advance, so you are prepared and, also, consider taking someone along to the GP appointment as your 'advocate' e.g. parent, so that you have some moral support. If you are still not happy, you always have the option to change to another GP practice. I know it's so hard to do all this when you are ill, so please ask others for support if you need it. With regard to finding your place in the world, it's a continuous journey with ups and downs but, rest assured, you have a special place in this world - always remember that, and never lose hope. Take care,

[MAS_Nurse]

Hello, Young Wolf,

Welcome to our supportive community. Well done for taking a brave step out of your comfort zone to reach out for help. As you have begun to find folks here are only too willing to come alongside you and share from their personal journeys and experiences. You are obviously having a difficult time right now, and it does sound overwhelming just reading your post. You sound like you are self-sabotaging relationships, and pushing away any attempts you or others try to make to help you. I agree with what has been already suggested, that maybe you need a referral for specialist help from a psychiatrist and local mental health team. Some local charities offer low-cost talking therapies, and there are many different types of therapy e.g. person-centred, psychodynamic psychotherapy, CBT, CAT, etc. Check out this link to see if there is a local Mind group that meets in your area to drop-in: mind.org.uk/information-sup...

You may find some of the suggestions in this article helpful. Again don't close your mind off but maybe just try one or two to begin with. Often it's focusing in the present moment on the little things that make the difference such as appreciating a beautiful sunny day or walk in the countryside.

How to find the light at the end of the tunnel: wikihow.com/Find-the-Light-...

Do check out our Pinned Post section for free mental health guides, international crisis support helplines healthunlocked.com/mental-h...

If you live in the UK keep these crisis support helplines handy:

The Samaritans Tel: 116 123 [24 hours line]

NHS: 999 [Emergencies]

NHS 111 [Non-Emergencies]

MIND UK charity: Helpline Tel: [phone] [e-mail] Text: 86463 mind

Depression: mind.org.uk/information-sup...

SANEline Tel: [phone] [4.30pm – 10.30pm daily] sane.org.uk/

Keep in touch, we are listening and we care.

Best wishes,

MAS Nurse

[Young_wolf in reply to MAS_Nurse]

Hi,

I know it sounds like im sabotaging myself but honestly if you knew the type of people iv had in my life. My best friends turning on me and stabbing me in the back for their own selfish gains. I have opened up to some non biased people about my "friends" just to make sure it wasn't all in my head and they all agreed that my friends are the worst people. So i stopped hanging out with all of them iv stopped contact with them on advice from my therapist to do so also. But now im left all alone. I actually have no one and i have no idea on how to start again. Which you guessed it has added fuel to the fire of my depression. I feel like my GP isn't listening to me at all, so thank you for your added links. I did find something on having a sponsor with me to help articulate my point. I have also found a bunch of other stuff from your links that i will be looking into so thank you for that.

[Ploramicas]

Reading your post i feel like I could do a copy and paste and it could be my own post. Its like this feeling ive got is a pit of sickness in my stomach that never goes away. Im sick of myself. Ive tried so many times to carry on and pick myself up again but i always fall back down. Maybe we could be buddies and try to help eachother out cos im feeling like I cant speak with anybody either and am hopeless really. I dont know what to do anymore. Maybe we could figure it out together

[Young_wolf in reply to Ploramicas]

Hey,

Yes me too. I feel like everytime i just about reach that mile stone, an avalanche pores down just before i get my footing. How many blows can you take before you just say enough is enough. So i completely feel you on that one. Im sorry to hear that you also know my pain well. I wouldn't wish it on anyone. Least now we know we aren't the only ones in the world feeling it.

What a kind offer. I would love to try figure this out with you x

[Ploramicas in reply to Young_wolf]

My email address is [e-mail] if you want we can take it from there and connect on facebook or something, didnt want to share my facebook here cos i am embarrassed that family realise just how upset I am.

[Sad18]

Its very heartbreaking the condition you are in but truth is the more you give up the more alone and anxious you are going to be.that is why you have to stay strong and should start again.that is what i do even sometimes it feels like i should pack myself in box and parcel somewhere where i would find some internal peace but truth is running and giving up will never help because our messed up emotions will always follow us .thus we should target source of our anxiety and depression.

You have to do it for yourself first because you and your health really matters.friends and family will eventually come along.

Whenever you feel like talking we are here for you.you are not alone.

I can relate how it feels when your family or friends leaves you in your struggle.

Hope you get better very soon.my prayers with you.

Take care😊😊😊

[guillerminadi6]

Hello, my friend Young - wolf. I can relate to you in many ways, I am a mother of 5 kids I just turned 50 years old. I have not been diagnosed yet but I know I had suffering from anxiety and depression all my life. About 10 years ago I started to take some psychology classes, and is how I become aware of my mental illness. I have overcame many difficult situations, where I couldn't figured out why going to work was just a horrible act to do. Now that I know how anxiety feels combined with depression, I can manage it betrer, one of my big mistakes was that I try to find a cure for my problems and my suffering, but now I have reaized that there is no cure for it. God has been one of the best thing that it happened in my life. His promises that even if my mother and father abandoned me. God will never abandone me. I still struggling but now I have hope and I am learning how to be gentle with myself. I am taking responsibility of my mental illness and I will be able to live day by day. I am also in therapy, I just want to tell you one thing, never give up on yourself you'e worthy, God loves you. The best is yet to come.