Depression exists without you knowing it, it is not an illusion. You don’t even know your in it. It takes a while before you realize it.
You don’t understand depression until you can’t stand your own presence in an empty room.
I wanted to talk about it. Damn it. I wanted to scream, I wanted to yell. I wanted to shout about it, but all I could do was whisper “I’m fine.”
You smile, but you want to cry. You talk, but you want to be quiet and you pretend like your happy, but your truly not.
It felt like this was never going to end. The world wasn’t going to stop crashing down until there was nothing left of me.
I didn’t want to wake up. I was having a much better time asleep. It was so sad. It was almost like a reverse nightmare, like when you wake up from a nightmare your so relieved, only I was waking up into one.
Its not the feeling of completeness I need, but the feeling of not being empty. Depression has nothing to do with having a bad day or being sad. Sometimes I wonder if I will ever be happy with myself. I worry that if I can’t be happy with myself, then nobody will ever be happy with me.
I miss the person I used to be. But I understand this is who I am. Depression is living in a body that fights to survive, with a mind that tries to die. Sometime you just need someone to tell you your not as terrible as you think you are.