Living with depression

Hello!

Need an outlet so joined. I’ve been suffering from depression since 2005. Currently it’s very bad and I feel like I don’t want to be alive. Doctor not helping, and I’m not happy with my life situation :(. Anyone else feeling hopeless?

[Cara78]

Watching eastenders on tv makes me feel better😂😂😂how depressing that show is. Try putting a comedy on or writing a list of the good things in your life no matter how small then compare it to something really horrible like Ethiopia it works for me sometimes but the depressions still there. Look up natural cures for depression on web. Be proud of yourself for pushing thru because it takes guts. Be good to yourself. Drink a pint of water.all these wee things may help us and I forget to do it xx

[Stilltrying_]

I can assure you there are a lot of us! This time of year is very stressful for many reasons and often our problems get harder to cope with at this time of year. Try and just take each day as it comes. I am sorry you are feeling so down right now but you are not alone X

Gemma X

[Hidden]

I just watched die hard 2 and that made me feel a bit better but now i’m ruminating again! Worried about being unemployed, worried about uni, and worried about what parents and society must think of me for being such a failure. I’d never thought that at the age I would be in such a bad place: depressed, unemployed, living with parents, and only just getting by with uni

And i’ve never been able to get a proper perm job since finishing uni in 2010. I therefore forced myself to go back to uni even though i know it makes me unwell! Going to try not to drop out because if i do I will have absolutely nothing left to do

What’s all your stories? It’s weird because people I know/friends can’t relate so I avoid all social contact when I get low, and I feel it compounds my misery.

[Cara78 in reply to Hidden]

Your doing really well being at uni. I'm 39 and starting a science and health degree. Keep on keepin on and give yourself a pat on the back. Infact it took me 3 weeks to get my SaaS form posted. I'm gony try n do what makes me happy and value myself cuz I'm trying.my moods get that low it hurts my head. My body aches it's awful what depression does. If u are fortunate to get a good day do something random out your comfort zone. I try and take my mind of myself because me can get sooooo boring. I'm gony try n paint a picture then it will help me not think

[Hidden in reply to Cara78]

I’ve dropped out of uni 4 times due to bad anxiety/depression. Managed to get my bsc geophysics with a lot of counselling. In my latest degree i’ve got dsa mentoring support and had counselling, both of which helped (is still helping me). Don’t think I could manage uni without support.

[marigold22 in reply to Hidden]

Hidden Wow - you got your BSC Geophysics. Congratulations and very well done. I am certain I couldn't get my brain around Geophysics. You are being hard on yourself. Depression and anxiety are very tough illnesses and give horrible symptoms. Keep on fighting through - Go Para, You can Do It. x

[Stilltrying_]

Glad the film helped. If you want to read my story then probably if you browse my previous posts it will give you an idea. I understand when you say about other people not relating. It is horrible when you are low and then other people seem to avoid you. That won't happen on here as we're all in similar circumstances. X

[Cara78]

I am not happy with my life situation so I'm getting help to change it. CHANGE IS POSSIBLE😉

[Hidden in reply to Cara78]

I waited 6 months for a gp referral only to find out they hadn’t sent it to anyone. I was so furious I gave up on my GP! 😂😂😂 Laughable how incompetent they are!

[Cara78]

Ridiculous. People's lives. U can pay private but is expensive. There are helplines too I think maybe try n get a befriended or support worker. I got my counsellor thru my supportworker🤞

[CJ2016]

Moods have been tempremental since 13/14 never really planned my future my ideal scenario was to join the military and die(i would of probs been sent to iraq as i left school in 2004).

From the moment i started comprehesive school(high school) to the moment i left i lost all 3 of my grand parents to cancer and other illneses so i guess that kind of messed me up a bit.

Especially as my grandparents died pretty young, my life felt like and still feels like it has no meaning other then seeing people i care about either dying or suffering.

Funny thing is people say to remmember the happy times but its difficult when crappy things happen so close to each other all the time.

1999 my grandmother died 2001 my grandmother died 2004 my grandfather died(thats without the health issues my mother was having(and still having) at the time.

2007 my father gets diagnosed with MS so not only am i watching my mothers health decline but now im watching my father go from the man of the house to now needing carers to get him in and out of bed.

Add to my brain just constatnly being switched on thoughts of killing my self on a regular bases i just kept getting fatter from comfort eating.

2013 my cousin hung himself and my uncle gets locked up for 12 years, my mother ends up having severe heartfailure and i still have no job or any direction.

Also end up in a relationship that should not of been that went on until late 2015, i woke up one morning felt different motivated and in 10 months lost 6 stone from exercising and eating healthy.

Bagged a job and was just feeling the best i have ever felt but then it all started to come crashing down again, mood went south stopped exercising was miserable in my job started gaining weight started feeling num then started to self harm.

Fast forward to now im back to square one im fat i have no job and i still sh and have suicidal thoughts however not as bad as before.

So hoping after xmas to get back to training and doing something that will keep my brain occupied even though i never know what mood i might wake up in im feeling ok at the moment.

So yeah i am 29 years old fat have no job still living with my parents(granted i try and help them as much as i can despite how low i go) and my brain is screwed.

Over the years ive learned to throw on the mask and make everyone belive everything is all good but the fact being is be it not for the loyalty i have to my parents i probably would of ended my self a long time ago.

But as long as they are here i cant put them through that having seen first hand what it does to the ones you love when you end it.

So yeah i dont look at the future because i never planned one so i just live for the day with whatever mood it is i have.

Kind of feel like i hijacked this whole thread now so sorry.

[Cara78 in reply to CJ2016]

Join the club I'm a fatty too😂😂😂I go up and down aswell with moods it's awful and meds the doctor give me make me eat more. You are only 29 and can still create a life for yourself. I'm 39 and am gony try my hardest and get a life without my family and create an environment were it's positive and ditch my past. Once I feel better physically I'm going to go out into this big world and get to know as many positive people as I can! Do u have a talent u are in tune with cuz I believe everyone on this planet has a one😊we deserve a life and it's my depressing past that is holding me back. Our harsh experiences can be our assetts we must learn to love ourselves and be grateful. Everything we need is within us and for me it's about telling myself that. Yes it's tough but we are all we have got n I'm not going to try too hard but I'm gony try n trust there is bigger forces at play that can help us live the life's we are entitled too. We are strong individuals n we shouldn't be suffering.

[Hidden in reply to Cara78]

I eat so much food, often junk food but i can’t seem to get heavier than 55kg! In fact when i stop exercising, i put in a bit of fat, but lose more in muscle mass so i actually lose weight when i just sit around doing nothing! That’s probably a combo of genes and vegan diet though.

[Cara78 in reply to Hidden]

Lucky you!😊😄

[Denhans]

Hi ya, This is the place to air out your feelings! So well done That was a fantastic achievement, so positive, and losing all that weight. In fact a massive achievement, how did that make you feel at the time?? I often get off the hamsters wheel, full of hope and positivity and determination! Then gradually slip back onto it! I don’t beat myself up about it anymore as my counsellor says, it’s our body and brain catching up. And healing is essential for my recovery. I’m at lost now, because if I haven’t got a purpose , I wilt like a flower. I have started a list for the new year... Stop smoking... you have pulled yourself up, out of depression, and lost loads of weight. I think you know ,you can do it! It’s getting started !! Good luck, i’ll Keep an eye out for your updates, whatever you decide to do 💜💜

[CJ2016 in reply to Denhans]

At the time i became obsessed with it,my drive and everything i did was targeted at working out and counting calories,people around me said i became arragont and obsessed(with losing weight) and to a degree i guess my confidence took a tripple injector boost in that i felt really really confident.

And seeing the body denfintion starting to creep in pushed me even more to do what i was doing i was just on cloud 9 i was on speed without actually doing any drugs,everything i did was set wake up by 9 have a protein shake work out at 11 another meal at 12 another meal at 3 another meal at 6 and another protein shake at 9 then it would be a case of working out day on day off.

That's what helped me bag a job at the time really(my drive was in overload),i made a hell of a lot of plans to go here and go there in regards to holidays and plans to do this to do that,started doing Braziliian jiu jitsu and Kickboxing thing's i would of never considered before.

But then the demon started creeping back in and the cards came tumbling down eventually, and the weight i lost is back, so have to start from scratch although i at least have the ability to lose and gain fast which has it's pros and cons.

I have always had some form of addiction i guess,i have been addicted to food,i have been addicted to sex,i have been addicted to gaming,and of course addicted to exercise and eating cleanly,this is why i never drink or do drugs because i suppose i kind of have an addictive personallity it's two side of my brain's are constantly fighting each other.

On one side i have the logic i am aware of everything that i do in my life,and even when i have irriational thought's i know exactly what it is i am thinking,when i cut i know what i am doing,then you have the other side of my brain and that is just pandora's box and fighting with the logical side.

In hindsight i am feeling ok at the moment though,i am waiting until after xmas to start working out and eating clean again,and the longer its taking the more i feel that drive starting to build up in me again,that energy but we will see,i could be good for the next couple days weeks months and it will all work out until my mood goes down again.

At times even the people around me complain about my mood's being up and down but i just tell them it's just who i am(i have never been diagnosed with anything as i have never gone to the doctor's cant be dealing with all that stuff feels like to much hastle to a degree) so yeah i will try and keep people update i will probably do what i done last time and take photographs of the progress in regards to the weight loss.

[Cara78 in reply to CJ2016]

Iam diagnosed with cyclothymia. Bipolar spectrum without psychotic episodes. I can be the life and soul, very creative, feel at one with the universe and it's better than any drug because it's real. It doesn't last though n I don't end up achieving because I end up in my bed for days😂😂it's so frustrating I had a period that lasted for a few months and I can hardly remember it. Other people would probably put it down to me being over confident and maybe a bit bizarre cuz my thought process speeds up n I talk really fast it can be good but I'm not REALLY engaging with people properly.

[Cara78 in reply to Denhans]

That's brilliant u have a plan.😊we are too good to not be living our lives. There is even an app called meetup and it has all different type of groups like meditation, positive self talk, motivational speeches n stuff, some u have to pay, there is people that meetup and have topics they want to discuss. Stopping smoking was one thing I've managed although I vape but nicotine level isn't that high and my skin is peachy n not like corned beef like it used to be. Once I get an upper on my mood I'm gony try and connect with as many positive people as I can and get back into my artwork. The past is the past. My medication needs reviewed too. 39 is the new 29😀I'm getting treatment for another health problem in January so hopefully feel better physically. I have realised that I can do anything I want in this world so long as my intentions are good. Maybe our depression is actually us healing and we need to love ourselves and keep safe especially at this time of year. I wish u well on your therapy😊

[CJ2016 in reply to Cara78]

I dont think i have any real talents but i have always been self critical people do say i am good at this amd that but i always say there is room for improvement when it comes to my self.

I think personally i would like to get educated on nutrition as well as become a personal trainer, but my main aim would be helping those in the higher weight range to get into a healthier weight.

I helped my mum lose about 3 or 4 stone before she had to stop exercising because her heart was getting worse(has a pacemaker now) as she has had heart issues for years.

But yeah i would love to be able to show that despite all are demons we can always achive all that is out of reach even on the worse of days.

[Cara78 in reply to CJ2016]

I understand u so much. I agree there is always room for improvement but if we keep being to hard on ourselves by being too self critical we won't grow as human beings. We need to start somewhere and getting an education is the best place to start especially if your thinking about courses in nutrition. My talent is art n I taught myself by ideas on YouTube. Your talent maybe encouraging other human beings. The only requirement for being happy is self belief and passion.change the way u talk to yourself by looking in mirror and saying "I'm worth it n I'm gony do well" say it till u mean it cuz u do deserve to be happy. If you enjoy singing look up a singing club. Whatever it is.i used to make the mistake of thinking I had to be the best, it doesn't work like that it's about putting your all in warts and mistakes and u will get better and better cuz we learn from each other. Don't aim for perfection aim for progress. I wasted so much of my life thinking I had to be the best. Your talents will come out when u get comfy at doing your best and not competing with the world then the world carries u n it doesn't seem like too much effort! Does that make sense 🤔

[Cara78 in reply to CJ2016]

As much as it isn't possible for me to take my own advice when I'm on a downer it works for me when my moods are high.

[CJ2016 in reply to Cara78]

Yeah i know whst you mean when your mood is elated it feels the world is at your feet.

Its the slide down that gives you whiplash and leaves you dazed and confused.

When i was yonger i use ti be a major rap head and write rap lyrics i guess it was some form of outlet

Then food just became the drug of choice.

[Cara78 in reply to CJ2016]

Am gony try 5 htp and omega 3 fatty acids to try n get stabilised. I could go on lithium but then I won't get my high times but then I won't get so low either. I'm on seroquel just now but don't take the amount I should cuz side effects are bad. There must be something that can give us more stability to lead a good life.

[CJ2016 in reply to Cara78]

The way i see it for my self i have been this way for so long not taking any medication that it would be strange not feeling any ups or as many downs.

Ive went through a period where i was feeling numb anyway and it was around that time cutting started.

At the moment though i know my mood is going up because i am having trouble trying to sleep because my brain feels like its completely switched on like i have had a power overload.

So i try and forcw my self to sleep but will only manage about 5 or 6 hours of cut up sleep because my brain is like telling me i dont need it.

But the logic in me is telling me switch off switch off switch off your body needs it, but never really works.

[Denhans in reply to CJ2016]

Good for you! Believe in yourself, you’re worthy! Merry Christmas 💜

[Moka21]

Don't worry you're not alone. I'm also suffered from depression. Usually feel hopeless and tired.

[Kirstbro in reply to Moka21]

I’ve been really tired lately. It doesn’t seem fair. When I was exercising every second day (swimming 2.5 km) I had way more energy but my mood was still low. Now I think it’s because I’m a compulsive overeater, a perfectionist and most crucially a chronic negative thinker. This message is hugely negative! I think differently now - I am working hard every single motherfucking day to be kind, patient, forgiving and encouraging to myself. Love to u fellow depressed kid. Solidarity.

[Cara78]

Hi cj2016😊there must be a way we can achieve balance.

[Heruga]

I've always been hopeless. Theres really nothing good about life. Everything just turns out badly. At least for me. Then I thought I could have a little fun on Christmas this year but turns out theres no such thing as 'Christmas' for me when I have to be shoveling snow at the doors at my job Christmas eve all the way through Christmas day afternoon(12+ hours) when my family and everyone else will be celebrating and having fun. Life is so great isn't it.

[Beautifulrainbow]

Hi I've lived with depression now since 2014 and it sucks, my life is just awful but I have no one to blame but myself, I've got into a rut and can't get out of it. I don't want to see or speak to anybody and if I do its not for long as I also suffer from anxiety and I feel that they are invading my space. If I do have to see the doctor I struggle to to sit in the waiting room with people there. I have a fantastic family but.choose not to talk to them about how I'm feeling because I feel that in there heads there thinking here she goes again so I say nothing and bottle it all up. I have since lost my job so that has t helped as I terrified in finding and coping in a new one with new people. I self harm as I hate myself and that's the only way I can cope and it's a way of punishing myself because of what I'm putting my family through. Sorry for the rant.