I'm new... On the other side

[CRLD]

My husband has suffered with depression since 2013. In January of this year he was sectioned due to suicidal thoughts but then discharged after 2 days under the care of the home treatment team. He stayed under them for 5-6 months and then discharged under the care of his own GP.

I'm not sure if I'm in the right place to be asking for help for myself or if i'll come across selfish for seeking help for myself but 11 months down the line I'm stuck. I feel because his illness is being treated with meds and therapy he can disconnect to some extent with what happened but i cant. We can go days as if nothing ever happened but as soon as one of us feels down and we argue it's so intense. The reason it's so intense is because we/I cant let go of the past.

I've had counselling previously (not related to this) and I've also been on antidepressants but dont have any "help" at the minute. I think I'm becoming a pro at putting a mask on and pretending everything's OK but as soon as something happens i turn in to this really resentful person and i dont like it.

I feel constantly trapped by the situation we are in. He's 80% better than he was but his mood is starting to deplete and as soon as that happens it just takes me back to the start of the year. I feel like I'm constantly sad inside and i shouldn't be. I think that i should be OK because he's here and he's getting help, etc, etc. but deep down I'm not OK.

When Chester Bennington took his own life, Id recently started listening to Linkin Park's One More Light Album, and it made me listen to the words in a completely different way. I cried through every song because i felt so sad that he was so unhappy that he had to take his life and then i associated every word to what was going on in my life. One of the lyrics is "...and you're angry and you should be its not fair, just coz you cant see it doesn't mean its not there..." and it completely breaks my heart. Even though he didn't go through with his thoughts i feel like he did in my head.

He's the only person in my entire life i have ever trusted the way i trust him but i feel like he almost cheated on me with another woman and this is where i feel selfish for feeling the way i do because he nearly took my entire life away from me too but now i cant move on and no matter how many times i say aloud we need to move on we need to start looking forward, i cant.

We've been together for almost 13 years and married for almost 6. This man was my entire world along with our girls and now i feel like hes a stranger to me most of the time.

We've had a couple of great times over the past couple of months. We went to a concert in November and we decided to make a weekend of it. His mum had the girls and we rented a lodge with a BBQ pit and a hot tub and it was just us. It was great. We had steak and beer and everything felt great. Almost like it did at the start of us being together. It was that good I dont really remember much of the evening because i was that drunk but woke up feeling like we'd both had a good time. When we came home and reality kicked in that we have to "real life" now had a blazing argument over something so minor that i now cant even remember what it was about! We had a 2 week holiday to Spain in summer which was fantastic. No stress, no reality really, just sun and family time then the night we got home the same thing happened!

I'm finding it harder and harder to move forward. He told me recently that little things that he sees or hears take him back to how he used to feel and i completely understand that because I'm the exact same.

He sent me a message the other day when he was at work telling me that he is starting to feel like he used to (in a bad way) and it got me so upset. That night when he came home he was fine (maybe a front he put on or maybe he was now fine) and i broke down. I told him that i didn't feel like i could be the support that he needed. I cant handle when he says things like that because even if he isn't saying he feels suicidal, hes telling me he just feels low, i cant cope with it. I get instantly taken back to January and being sat in a hospital cubical with him while he tells a complete stranger how he was at work that day and was trying to figure out where the nearest place was to go and buy a rope so he could hang himself and how i didn't know he felt like that and that his depression was that bad.

This experience has really left me feeling like i have no self worth and that i cant trust anyone because if my husband could make me feel this sad then anyone could. I know depression is a selfish illness and maybe I'm depressed again/still, that now I'm just thinking about me and how i feel but i dont feel like there's anywhere for relatives/ loved ones to turn to to get help with moving on from this. The last thing I want is to split my family up but I also want my family to be happy and healthy. I worried that things are starting to turn sour and it's all just going to have a bitter nasty end.

I guess what I'm ultimately asking for is guidance or someone who can relate to tell me the way I'm thinking is normal and I'm right to think and feel the way I do, or someone tell me I need to get help because it isn't normal and I shouldn't be thinking/feeling this way by now. I'm so torn because I want to get him better and I want us to go back to being US again but I'm scared what if we're coming out of this as 2 completely different people who are just not right for each other?

[MAS_Nurse]

Hi CRLD, I'm sorry you are going through such a difficult time. Your fears, anger and concerns are understandable and very real. It is like going through a bereavement for the life you have lost, for the loss of the person he was and the relationship you had. You didn't choose for this to happen, it was thrust upon you and you have been trying to cope. Often the carers get forgotten when the focus has been on getting a loved one well. It sounds like you could do with support. Do speak to your doctor again about how you are feeling and ask for a referral for counselling. You may find a few of these links helpful to help you to care for yourself and your mental health needs.

mind.org.uk/information-sup...

carersuk.org/help-and-advic...

rcpsych.ac.uk/healthadvice/...

Folks here are very supportive and compassionate and are only too willing to come alongside other members, please can you reach out this dear person and offer your thoughts and support.

Take care.

[Zoea]

Hi

I really feel for you ; you've gone through a lot. At least you've had a couple of glimpses of the good times recently. It sounds like you have some kind of PTSD from the experience of understanding your husband's depression and the extent of it. That's perfectly understandable.

Don't take this the wrong way but "I know depression is a selfish illness" is completely not the case. I've had it, family members have had it, over 1 in 4 people have some form of mental health problem every year in the UK. It's perfectly understandable natural and normal. It's in no way judgemental. You should I believe try and get involved in mental health services yourself, to have someone to talk to, to get counselling maybe, perhaps medication again (assumption there), and most of all so you can go to your husband's appointments with some form of synergy / mutual understanding and he can come to yours too.

It doesn't sound to me like your husband got the level of support he needs. I have been in mental health wards twice and both times were for about 3 months (voluntarily). I wasn't suicidal at the time. You should both be in the remit of the local mental health team and a psychiatrist. These people are specially trained doctors who have done all the normal doctor training too. IMHO this would help your situation and it sounds like you should just get their help - it's what they're there for.

Good luck! and Best wishes. Talk to your GPs in the first instance. Probably go together...