I don't want a pity party, I just want to know I'm not alone.

[Adrift_and_Defunct]

I'm a 36 year old female and I have completely lost my way. My whole life has been flipped upside down in the last few years. Now I find myself without a job, no formal education, few friends and no purpose. I'm not sure where to turn to. My anxiety is almost crippling, and I'm beginning to wonder is my depression is actually seasoned with some Bi-polar. I only leave my house when I have to which is probably why all of my "friends" have disappeared. I am stuck in a relationship that has no communication or love. We are platonic roommates. I cook and clean and he pays the bills. I need someone to help me be the person I used to. It feels like I cry at anything and everything. I am not suicidal but I don't know why I'm alive. I'm not living. I'm existing. The only thing in this world that I feel cares about me is my dog. I'm a disappointment to everyone around me. I'm perceived as lazy and a failure. I don't know how to change that. I don't want to feel like this anymore but I don't think I can help myself on my own. I used to be on medication for depression and social phobia but I haven't had insurance for almost 2 years. I'm not sure what the point of this post is, I just needed to let it out.

[kenster1]

hi and welcome to you.hey its not pity we are empathetic to everyones struggles.could you not work or volunteer a couple of days per week.you could make new friends along the way.does your partner know of your feelings.i share some of your struggles and its really hard.

[Adrift_and_Defunct in reply to kenster1]

I've told him in every way possible. I've asked him if he noticed. I've told him what I'm feeling. I've cried to him, I've yelled at him, I've ignored him, and I begged him for a hug when it's clear that I'm not okay. I don't think he knows how to deal with emotions at all. I know I need to work because it will help me have purpose and become more independent again. But it's not that simple, I know it is, but it's not. I have a really hard time dealing with people. I live in a rural area without a college education, so the job selection is slim. The beginning of this downward spiral started with me getting fired from my job that I had for 10 years. Like I said I know I need to work and I know it will help but the process is so intimidating to me. I'm working on getting there.

[Dwaindewalt]

Hi your not alone I'm in the same boat I've had this for 36 years and now my daughter is started to be the same wish there was an answer I can't take pills due to bad experience and my anxiety worries won't let me

[Annieosb]

Hi,

First learn how to take deep breaths......

GP?

Support Groups?

Mental Health Advocate?

Real friends stick by you........

Volunteer, yes if you are able

Try to get some form of help and support

Best Wishes

Annie

[mrmonk]

Hello Adrift_and_Defunct,

Please know you are not alone and that there are many here who can identify with your plight. Is there anything in your life that brings you joy or some measure of peace?

[Adrift_and_Defunct in reply to mrmonk]

I've gotten to the point where there really isn't much that brings me joy anymore. I've tried doing things that I used to enjoy but I just can't find any enthusiasm for them. The only thing I like to do is sleep and I don't even do that regularly anymore. I appreciate everyone's reply. It helps just to be able to let it out and feel like someone is at least trying to understand.

[MAS_Nurse]

Hi Adrift_and_Defunct and welcome to this caring forum. You have taken a brave step in posting on the forum to share with others how you are feeling. You are not alone and the other members have posted some really useful ideas. Would it be possible for you to make an appointment to see your doctor, who would be able to help and support you? It may be that some more medication may help, at least to begin with, or some counselling/ Cognitive Behavioural Therapy. As another member has asked, does your partner know of your feelings? If you find it is difficult to talk to him, could you write down your feelings in a letter? The idea of voluntary work sounds very positive. It is a great way of making new friends and learning new skills and, is of course very good for your CV. Perhaps when you feel well enough, you could volunteer at a local home for dogs/animal shelter? You never know where these opportunities can lead. Please have a look at the Pinned Post section on the screen for further help and support. Try to take small positive steps, be kind to yourself and do things you enjoy. Things will get better. Are any other members able to help Adrift_and_Defunct, please?

Thank you and best wishes.

[Adrift_and_Defunct in reply to MAS_Nurse]

As I said I don't have insurance so I have no medical care to turn to. I live in a rural area, there are no free clinics around that I know of. I've tried talking to him but he doesn't know how to process emotions at all. He doesn't even hug me when I cry. It's not a healthy relationship but at this point, with no income of my own and crippling anxiety and depression, I don't know what else to do. I know I need help but I don't know how to get it and the idea of asking for it is terrifying. That's why I made the post. I needed to get some of this out. It does feel better knowing that people can understand or at least try to.

[Byelka]

You’re not alone. I have a job and feel like this often. You probably are more critical of yourself than those around you are even though it doesn’t seem like it. Where do you live? Have you looked into Medicaid for insurance? There may be additional programs available in your area that can help with affordability of medications. Your state or area probably has an info line you can call too. Getting the right diagnosis will likely help too. Feel free to message me if you’d like to talk more.

[Hidden]

If not already I would advise you make an appointment with your GP, He should be able to set you down the right pathway with treatment plan.

You mention your marriage is not fulfilling your needs and the relationship has failed in various ways, have you considered both going to Marriage Guidance, RELATE, to talk out your problems together.

Look in Pinned Posts here, that can sometimes help with various places you can try for help.

I suffer Reactive Depression with a Chronic Disability, as you mentioned Dogs are a great way to gain support and love. Pax seems to have that second sense where He picks up on any problems we do like others have.

Diversions, hobbies or activities do help, in your case, it would be even better if both you and partner could find an interest you both like and do together.

Voluntary Work can also help, Mental Health Day Centres are a good start where you begin just being there for support, your GP may have an address where you can pop along to.

Everyone helps and supports each other. I attended one many years ago for support.

I used to eventually look after their information centre. They also gave me lessons on computers and also provided on for me to use at home.

BOB

[Mickle13]

I hope that by now you've found some help. In my experience as a mental health nurse and therapist, as well as a fellow sufferer, I've found that it's very difficult to be able to help yourself until you get on a med that helps straighten out the chemical imbalance in your brain. Don't blame yourself for those things that make you feel so inadequate. Getting better is a two-pronged approach: 1) The right medication, and 2) Talk therapy.

You said that there is no free clinic, to your knowledge. Maybe you haven't exhausted all the possible resources. As suggested before, Medicaid might be a viable solution. I know how difficult it is to take the important steps to give meaning to your life when you are battling that chemical imbalance. The second step is finding a therapist. That can probably be done through Medicaid as well. Talk therapy can be invaluable, at least it has been for me. Realize this is a process, but the quality of the rest of your life may depend upon it.

Baby-steppin'. Your life will get better, and you have the determination deep within you to get the ball rolling! You are already taking a huge step by joining this community.

I wish you good luck. You aren't alone.

Mitch