Hello, I'm new.

[avawilliams]

Hello everyone. I've looked around this site and like what I see, so I've decided to join... A little bit about me, I am Sam, female, aged 39. I grew up in a middle class home that was abusive.. the reason I mention about being brought up in a middle class home because back then, in the eighties, abusive homes were supposedly the domain of the very poor, the drunks, druggies etc...my dad and step mum terrorized me and my brother (no one listened to us about it). I had a baby at 17, left and never looked back...

I went onto have 3 beautiful children by two very loveless men......I haven't seen my 'family' for years, never want to date again, am all things to my kids, mum, dad, grandparents, aunts, uncles and cousins...My children are fine with this, they've never known any different and are lovely, happy, sweet, good humoured kids and in that sense I couldn't be happier....

The problem is myself; I have a thyroid problem and major depression, every time I pick myself up it comes back and hits me with a vengeance... Today I was too tired to get my little ones up for school (again) and feel so guilty about this. School understands my situation and are very sweet about it but I don't know how much longer they can go on turning a blind eye...(I also volunteer for the school so double embarrassment really) I was doing a course but have missed so many classes I've probably sabotaged that for myself also...

I wanted to ask when does it stop? Ever? I am on the highest dose of anti-depressants that I can be on, my thyroid dose is correct so the problem really does lie with me now.... talking about my past with a therapist never really helped and sort it really, just brought all my sadness back up to the surface without really been able to solve it... I understand it wasn't my fault, I was just a child....but the question 'why?' never gets answered.....!!

Thanks for listening xxx

[avawilliams]

Also I forgot to say (and this is going to make me sound bonkers I know) I had a really crazy dream the other night that I was attacked by an antelope and her calf. I could actually feel them biting me everywhere. It was insane.. I never usually remember my dreams but this one was so surreal and stayed with me when I woke that I checked it out on a dream interpretation website... do you know what it said? Dreaming about being attacked by any kind of cattle was a warning of impending death!!! Bloody brilliant - so that cheered me up no end!!

xxx

[wallflower_fairy in reply to avawilliams]

Hi ava,

I'll only do a quick reply to this for now (and wanted to let you know I had read your post) - as I'm v. tired, spent the day revising and have my exam tomorrow morning (so might be more helpful in a few days, when I've recovered). I'm sure the dream didn't mean what it said on the website. Dreams are subjective. I reckon it might be something do with your past, or something your worried about in the future - in disguise so as to protect you. I'm sure you will be able to figure it out? It's interesting that you say the calf helped her mother attack you. I'm wondering if it represents something to do with the relationship you had with your mother or step mother - something unresolved. Is there anything the dream reminds you of? Psychologists suggest you should use free association if you can't work out the meaning of a dream. In other words, just let your thoughts come to you without planning them. Can you remember the first thing you thought of when you woke up? That might be a good place to start. I'm sorry I can't be more helpful, just so tired.

While I'm here I'll say welcome. I'm sure you'll get plenty of support here. Everyone is friendly and welcoming.

wanderingwallflower xx

[Hidden]

Hi Sam

Welcome.

I personally don't believe dreams mean anything. For every impending doom or death interpretation you could probably find half a dozen different 'meanings' behind them from "your gonna win the lottery" to "your gonna meet the man of your dreams" to "your gonna turn into a bird & soar high in the sky while crapping on people that have wrong you" (wouldn't the last one be kinda cool?) Anyway a dream is just a dream. It's you mind entertaining you, dealing with information or flat our messing with your mind.

Ok real reason for my comment. Even if you were to get an answer to the question of "Why?", it wouldn't be enough. Any answer you could get would never be enough of an answer. I imagine it would just lead into half a dozen more questions which would lead to many more. They did what they did because they were bad people, at least at that time. Most of us had issues in our childhood that became bigger problems as we got older. We never learned to deal with them. Those issue shaped who we are which impacted on the decisions we have made, good or bad decisions.

I don't have the answers, or any I guess (if I did I probably wouldn't be on here for help/support). I'm just a fool who has withdrawn from anyone who cares for him to be on my own. I can sometimes give good advice but can never take any.

You know. As bad you may sometimes feel about yourself, you've done something good & right so you can't be all that bad. Actually you've done 3 something goods. You say they are "lovely, happy, sweet, good humoured". There is nothing greater in this world that you or anyone could ever accomplish that could better that than raising 3 good children. When you look at them just remember that you didn't let those people damage you. You didn't let those "loveless men" break you. You didn't let life ruin you. Because of them you are good & you are a success. So tomorrow if you don't feel like going to pick up your little ones? That's those b@stards from the past telling you not to. Thats those 'family' members, those loveless men trying to control you trying to tell you what to do. Tell me, are you going to let them do that to you? Are you going to let them stop you from seeing those smiles on your kids faces as they see you standing there waiting to pick them up? Damn straight you aren't! You're gonna stick your finger up at those thoughts & as soon as you hear that front door slam you aint gonna pay them no heed. You're gonna hold your head up high, march into that playground & give those kids the warmest of hugs

James

[Suzie40]

Your post really interested me (and hello by the way!)

I am 35 and my journey has not been dissimilar to yours. I also grew up in an abusive home. My Dad was violent and I was scared of him. I would turn to my Mum for love and attention, but unfortunately she was already looking for her own supply in the bottom of a whiskey bottle.

I threw myself at the first man who showed me attention and ended up pregnant. That didn't last and a few years later I did the same again. So a single mum of two children by different fathers, a drunk mum and angry dad, I became depressed. I got worse and worse over the next few years and like you, didn't have much success with counselling.

My personal belief (others will inevitably disagree) is that it never goes away. I think you become better at managing your triggers for depressive episodes, and you certainly get periods of feeling better, but it's always there lingering in the background.

I have found that CBT is more effective than counselling. All counselling did for me was drag up old memories that had already spoiled enough of my life. I didn't want them to ruin anymore! CBT explores the thought processes you have when you feel down, and how you can alter your way of thinking. Is this something you have tried?

I've also had varying degrees of success when it comes to medication. I took Citalopram for a long time and I think I eventually became resistant to them. I swapped to Sertraline but never really felt well. After much deliberating, I went back to Citalpram, but now take a magnesium supplement alongside it. That seems to be helping a little, but it's early days.

I hope you stick around and get to know people, as this forum has been a tremendous support for me in recent years x

[21esme in reply to Suzie40]

Lucy, the more I learn about you the more I think 'wow, Lucy really is very special'

Xxx

[Hidden in reply to 21esme]

Ditto Sarah x

[Suzie40 in reply to 21esme]

Lol! I'm just an ordinary girl. I should have been called Mary really!

[avawilliams]

Thank you for responding to me Fay, James and Lucy.

Well Fay good luck with your exam tomorrow, I hope you do well..what is it you're studying? I think you're right about the dream, it's obviously nothing I should seriously worry about in reality, but it must be something sub-consciously that I'm worried about? I suppose the antelope and calf could represent my step mother and half sister, but then I haven't worried about them in years and they pose no real threat to my mental happiness anymore, I mean, I have massive issues with my family but those issues will never be resolved because these people are unapproachable, distant and in denial so there is closure there in a way. At 17, after just giving birth, I went to the phone box and I asked them if I could come over for Christmas day as I was lonely and in a bit of physical pain still, 'No you can't' - the wicked step mother screeched so I went back up to my horrible little cold flat and promised myself I would never ask for anything off them ever again. Toxic people!!

Anyway I will look into 'free association' as I've never heard of it before so thanks for that...Get yourself lots of rest, studying is very taxing on the ol' brain cells lol xxx

James, Ok your post made me laugh, you seem very cheerful..hard to tell you feel down in the dumps also..I think you must be like me, I can seem so happy to the world that no one would know how I feel when I am home and the kids are in bed.. then the sad face comes on, I catch myself in the mirror sometimes and say 'oh for Gods sake, cheer up'!! I think there is a song by the beatles about a woman who leaves her face by the door or something like that (I'm waffling now ha ha). You sound very positive and full of good advice and you're right in what you say, funny thing is I would say and mean those words to other people but when I say them to myself they seem false and hollow..

I have noticed that a lot of depressed people are actually very warm, friendly people who give out a lot of sensible, practical and helpful advice and vibes yet they are unable to nurture themselves and give themselves the love that they deserve. I am trying hard to love myself, but because my heart has been stamped on when I have offered it out, I sometimes think I wasn't born to know love, so perhaps I don't deserve it, when really I know that I do deserve it... Does that make sense... Probably not... I'm trying not to go to deep here lol..

I totally agree our issues shape who we are...totally..From the minute I held my first born and I looked at her silly little face I whispered to her ' may God struck me down if I ever hurt a hair on your head' and right there and then I made the choice that she'd grow up to love me, not fear me and always know how precious she was/is...

So Thank you James for being so positive and uplifting .... Good things for you in 2015 xxx

Hi Lucy, Your life seems very similar to mine...I think it is a very wicked thing to have to grow up, be raised in a house of terror...I can imagine it will affect you for your whole life as it has done mine..Do you still see your parents? I could not, I would imagine that even if I saw my father now after all these years, even those he is probably very old looking now and probably very weak, one small wrong word or action from him would have me crying my eyes out and wishing he'd just love me for one hour or a day or something. Did you ever hear that Madonna song 'oh father'? Even in the video the man looks like my father when he was younger... gives me chills.. I can't believe how free I feel chatting on here, I never talk like this with anyone, only school know about this illness (depression) and only then because I haven't been managing well and had to tell them...

It's funny how you mentioned the citalopram, I recently went to the doctors for a sick note and I asked him could I have got 'too' used to them, he said it was impossible, but I disagree, I've not had an episode like this for years...I am certain they are not working.. you know, when I went on holiday in August to the caravan I forgot to take my citalopram with me and after a few days I was really perky and although I got a few weird zaps in my head, conversations seemed more animated, colours were more intense, even my food tasted better, how strange is that?? It was almost like the citalopram was dulling my senses but as it left my system everything was becoming real again...Any way that freaked me out and of course as soon as I got home I started taking them again..because I thought if this is the high of coming off them, what would the low be, and that didn't bear thinking about...

Please tell me more about CBT.. I've never heard of that.

Anyway lots of love to you and hope we chat a lot more xxxx

[Hidden in reply to avawilliams]

Hi Ava

Positive? Mmmm not so sure about that. I have a very keen sense of right & wrong, fair & unfair. If I feel something is unfair or not right I can kind of get a bit fired up (I wouldn't say emotional but maybe it is a bit). Once I get fired up I can get a bit angry at some perceived injustice & I did a bit after I read your post & dwelt on it as I was responding. I was trying to encourage you not to let the b@stards control you anymore, because it's not fair or right.

Anyway how you doing, feeling any better at all?

James

[thrillseeker]

Sorry to hear what you have gone through

Talking about your past is never easy brings up stuff we never really new about or say we are fine with and really we aren't fine with.... How ever talking is the way forward and crying... I would say talk to your gp maybe the medication isn't working for you and you may need to change it and ask for a dose of diazepam from the mental health team they will only give them out to you if you are at risk of hurting your self I had them they do work and they also make you sleep so if you do take them half a tablet then take other half about 1hour later... Sorry for going off key here just want to help you get and feel better I inderstand where your coming from as I have been there hope you al the best and hope you feel better soon

Ian x

[Stilltrying_]

Extremely interesting post; I am really glad you mentioned the middle class thing as I was brought up in a middle class household too and it was abusive though almost in a "hidden" way; it obviously WAS abusive but it was so condoned and hidden or should I say denied that it's sort of like it didn't exist and I was making it all up. This has always been very hard for me; even now there are people like my sister for example who will disagree that it was abusive ; yet I see her as yet another victim of the abuse as she seems to live completely on the surface and has no depths to reach (cannot decide whether this is damage or just her character but it makes for an inability for me to connect with her at any real level)

I also agree with the comments made about depressed people being some of the warmest and most giving people out there.

We need to get the balance right really don't we?

You ask "Why"? and I think JimDon gave the perfect answer;- "because they were bad people". In my case I would say my parents are/were selfish self absorbed people. I know some people have looked into their backgrounds and suggested they must have gone through something to be how they were but at the end of the day some people are lacking like my dad and also self absorbed; some people are narcisstic like my mum and control and impose emotional dependency and constant fear though probably not at the levels you experienced.

So for you maybe the question you are asking is "Why am I still suffering?" Could it be an idea to think that you have good and bad days, weak and strong days and that you are a lovely person who is very sensitive and giving who sometimes goes through sheer hell? That is sort of what I say to myself though it doesn't always work. It would be nice never to feel like this but yes maybe Lucy is right; it probably never goes away; we just have to live with it and moderate it the best we can. I think you are doing that.

I really thank you for bringing up the middle class thing though. I do think the middle classes can put different pressures on their kids (though they would never use that word (which is probably why I've used it!) as well as achievement and performance were everything in my house which sort of led to me failing as I felt I could never live up to such expectations, which were unrealistic in so many ways. I only had to go to one computer class to be told I could run my own company; it put enormous pressures. I just wanted to be normal and loved for me and not have everything intellectualised without an emotional core being present.

Gemmalouise

XX

[Hidden]

Hi Ava nice to meet you and welcome to the site. As you have seen we are a very friendly and supportive crowd here who will do our best to help you in any way we can.

Have you ever had counselling to help with your past? I feel it would be beneficial for you. As others have said don't worry about why? There is no why - it is just part of the s... that happens to children and in an ideal world it wouldn't but we don't live in an ideal world.

It sounds like you had a terrible childhood and this is bound to leave scars on you. It isn't your fault but your parents. Congratulations on breaking the cycle with your own kids as many abused children go on to abuse their own. You haven't so all credit to you and well done.

Bev x