I'm new here, I guess this is my first post

[jsph554]

As you might be able to see from my username, my name is Joe. I've had depression for as long as I can remember, and I've had psychosis for at least nearly 4 years, though I think that the symptoms of my psychosis have been there since I was 14, maybe younger. I am medicated, which helps with my psychosis, but not with my depression. I constantly find myself feeling hopeless and numb, and that every decision I make is the wrong one. I feel like a failure all the time and it feels like it is getting worse. I have hurt myself and attempted suicide before, though I now know that that is not the way, because again that was the wrong decision. I don't know what to do.

And I'm not much of a talker, so I might come across as rude. If I do I apologize.

[Rick1on1]

Hi Joe,

Is there anyone or anything that can give you an ounce of hope?

If not, have you considered adopting a pet?

[jsph554 in reply to Rick1on1]

Hi Rick,

There is one person who gives me hope, so it's not all bad. She does everything for me, I don't know what I would do without her.

Joe

[Rick1on1 in reply to jsph554]

Hi Joe,

I am glad you have such a person. Can she become that symbolic night star that is going to steer you to better health?

What is the nature of the relationship?

Rick

[jsph554 in reply to Rick1on1]

She has tried her best to steer me to better health. We're friends, though its a miracle we still are considering all the bad things I've done, and all the failures I've made

[jsph554 in reply to Rick1on1]

P. S. I don't own any pets, but my friend (I didn't mention that I live with her sorry) does own pets.

Joe

[Rick1on1 in reply to jsph554]

That's awesome...pets can help with several attitude changes. Firstly, they are needy - so if you can help looking after them and find enjoyment out of the interaction then you are certainly not a failure. Embrace the self esteem that comes from successfully taking care of another creature.

They can also be a great sounding board especially to those who cannot communicate well with humans. So talk to them at your hearts content when you are alone with them and feel the relief of getting thoughts off your chest.

Hope this helps?

What kind of failures and wrong decisions do you refer too?

Rick

[jsph554 in reply to Rick1on1]

Well one example is when I failed to notice that one of my friends geckos had died. We were in the same room, the gecko lived in my bedroom. Another was when I dropped one of her snakes (it wasn't out of fear of the snake, if anything I was afraid of doing exactly that, dropping him I mean). Her pets she loves as if they are her children, so naturally, she didn't take these things well. There are also smaller mistakes that I make constantly, small enough to sometimes forget about, but big enough to matter at the same time.

[DMM218 in reply to jsph554]

Being clumsy can often go with Asperger. The amount of times kid drops things, stumbles falls etc In big picture dropping snake not such a bad thing. Death of gecko not your fault. Again my kid can fail to see the obvious and only see the hidden. I know she physically sees things differently as part of her condition. She has visual snow, facial blindness and glitches in sight. You might not realise how things like sight, hearing, touch and smell are affected by aspergers as we don't talk about it - thinking we all experience life same way. Don't beat self up about these mistakes. I've made much worse and I'm 'normal'

[jsph554 in reply to DMM218]

I have always been clumsy. To the point that I don't trust myself with things, especially something new.

[DMM218 in reply to jsph554]

And that will increase anxiety! The thing I did was tell my daughter that I got upset just cause of the initial smash etc the most important thing was her. No glass or plate was ever more important. Accept the risk of breakages. Though I'd always watch her in the China dept or such like. Go buy some plates from a charity shop and break them. It will feel good!

[jsph554 in reply to DMM218]

That does sound like it'd feel good. Though I have felt silly when I express any type of anger (I know that you didn't even mention taking anger out on things, but for some reason that's what I thought of). I think I was taught implicitly that expressing anger is always wrong, so I don't express it, because I always feel silly or wrong somehow. If it feels like my thoughts skip certain logical things. I'm sorry, I tend to think weirdly, so that to an outside observer my thoughts seem completely random, though I'm actually skipping certain things that would be needed for the thoughts to make sense, and its all done without thinking about it, so sometimes I make no sense whatsoever. Does that make sense?

[jsph554 in reply to jsph554]

I feel like I just spouted gibberish

[DMM218 in reply to jsph554]

No makes sense. Anger was something I avoid too! Same reason - no negative emotions allowed in family( except there's) depression said to be anger turned inward. Anger is a perfectly fine emotion to express as long as you release it. Like all emotions should be momentary. Problem occurs when not expressed. Can't get your thinking emotional process as not mine but do see how it works if makes sense.

[jsph554 in reply to DMM218]

To be honest I don't think I explained it well enough. I don't know how to express it properly yet.

[DMM218 in reply to jsph554]

Nobody can really express thoughts - that's why we create art. You've done well

[jsph554 in reply to DMM218]

Thank you.

[Rick1on1 in reply to jsph554]

Joe,

Have you ever done some self-awareness exercises? Here is a great article to get you started:

entrepreneur.com/article/25...

It appears to me that there are small niggly habits and thoughts that hamper you. This may help to adjust and assist with getting a positive outlook.

Where do you think your depression stems from?

[jsph554 in reply to Rick1on1]

I think that it stems from my childhood, having had it for as long as I can remember

[Rick1on1 in reply to jsph554]

Going to need you to dig a bit deeper so that others can share experiences and solutions. Unless you want to have a private conversation?

[jsph554 in reply to Rick1on1]

Well my parents were very argumentative, blaming me for things I didn't do, calling me names, ignored the signs of me having Aspergers, and generally neglected me, didn't attend to my needs as a then child who looked to my parents for love (which I don't feel I got enough of) support (which I only got when in public, usually they'd just laugh at me or call me names). There's probably more, but my memory is blurry, and I suspect that something happened that I don't know about (I've had blackouts before, and I don't know what has caused those)

[Rick1on1 in reply to jsph554]

Joe, that is awful!

Without that parental love and guidance, it is easy to feel like living in a rickety shack during an eternal hurricane.

It;s good that you can pinpoint these incidents as that makes you realise the gaps that exists in your formative years.

How is your relationship with your parents now?

[jsph554 in reply to Rick1on1]

I have no contact with them. I prefer it this way, at best they make things worse.

[Rick1on1 in reply to jsph554]

It's a hard to say and admit but parents get it wrong a lot of the time.

I have a 7 year old and I cringe whenever I make a mistake. I try not to be too hard on myself but sometimes I feel like I behave just like my parents did.

Are you finding that this conversation is helping in any way?

[jsph554 in reply to Rick1on1]

I think it's helpful yes

[Rick1on1 in reply to jsph554]

Thanks Joe!

So, let's go back a little bit:

- How old are you?

- Where do you live?

- What stage of your life are you in?

[jsph554 in reply to Rick1on1]

I'm 21, I live in Liverpool in the UK and in the future I want to eventually go back to uni and finish it.

[Rick1on1 in reply to jsph554]

Sorry, I have been offline for a few days.

I am glad to see that you do have future plans and not allowing this condition to dictate otherwise.

I realize that getting through each day is going to be hard but if you keep visualizing yourself graduating then that may give you the encouragement and impetus to keep soldiering on.

What else motivates you?

[jsph554 in reply to Rick1on1]

Not much else to be honest.

[Rick1on1 in reply to jsph554]

Any interests/hobbies?

[jsph554 in reply to Rick1on1]

Well I am interested in physics, and I used to play video games. Both of these I haven't done in a long time.

[Rick1on1 in reply to jsph554]

Have you considered this social site:

meetup.com

It's not dating and since I joined many groups have been started in my own city.

Will you look into it?

[jsph554 in reply to Rick1on1]

Yeah OK. I'll look into it.

[Rick1on1 in reply to jsph554]

Good luck Joe!

Message me if you have anything on your mind you want to bounce off a sounding board.

Take care.

[jsph554 in reply to Rick1on1]

I just had an appointment with my Care Coordinator. It went better than I expected, my mind didn't go blank at all. But I didn't end up talking about my past, which I thought was the point of the appointment. Instead we're doing that in two weeks, which feels like forever.

[Rick1on1 in reply to jsph554]

That's great Joe!

Why are you disappointed about talking about the past?

So, what did you end up talking about?

[jsph554 in reply to Rick1on1]

I'm disappointed because I never got to talk about my past. That's what I expected to happen.

Well ended up talking about things I can do in the future, building my confidence up.

[jsph554 in reply to jsph554]

Not that I enjoy talking about my past, because I don't, I find it difficult. But I thought that we were going to do that, and we didn't.

[Rick1on1 in reply to jsph554]

Maybe the counselor was trying to show you a road ahead instead of looking at the road behind you?

Feel free to PM me if you want to discuss your past.

[jsph554 in reply to Rick1on1]

Probably. The future is more important after all.

[jsph554 in reply to jsph554]

I've went over the general points when I talked about my parents.

[Rick1on1 in reply to jsph554]

Yes but without understanding and being able to move on from your past..the future will remain bleak and far off...

[jsph554 in reply to Rick1on1]

That's true.

[Rick1on1 in reply to jsph554]

again..I am here if you need a sounding board

[jsph554 in reply to Rick1on1]

Thank you, I appreciate your help.

[denvajade]

Not nice aye! I too suffer BAD depression, a little dog helps me, loves you unconditionally. I wish u well.🐕

[jsph554 in reply to denvajade]

Thank you denvajade, I wish you well too. I hope you recover quickly, as you probably know depression is terrible to live with.

Joe

[Hidden]

Our dog is shedding at the moment, we were sitting outside before dinner brushing him, it was windy and His fur was off with the wind, at least the birds will be happy, they can use it for nesting I gather.

Pets are fantastic if we are depressed

BOB

[MAS_Nurse]

Hi there Joe, you did very well for the first time of posting considering you say you are not much of a talker.

[jsph554 in reply to MAS_Nurse]

Thank you, I find talking in general difficult.

[poppet36]

I don't believe it