This morning I woke up and I smiled and for 10 seconds I forgot about my life, my pain my unhappiness.
Then realisation hit me that I'm alone, worthless, unwanted and pointless.
I've tried to reach out to different people in my life and they don't want to know, made excuses or just think I'm pathetic and not worth the time. It's like I don't exist. My family live in a house with me and they haven't spoken to me in weeks. So I tried to face the fact that I'm alone and make plans and choices for my future. I realised... I don't want one, I just want the constant pain to stop.
I've tried overdose with pills on a few occasions and failed. I know another way that will work but I don't want the people around me to find me, I know I'll be dead but I can't hear the selfish, pathetic comments already.
Then I thought go to a hotel, I don't wanna hurt someone seeing me that way either but I just can't do it anymore. I get paid next week, so I have a week to figure it out.
I have my first counselling session today too, so I lll see how that goes too.
I just want someone to love me and tell me it's going to be ok, it'll be ok and you're wanted but I know it's not and I need to face that. 😓
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Igiveup29
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Hey, it's not you it's them...cliche? yes I know, but anyway. I am happy that you have an appointment today, it seems like you are under so much overwhelming pressure right now, that you need someone to step in and carry you for a bit until you gather some strength and can start the amazing journey ahead of you. I found that I could only start to heal once I gained a bit of freedom. Now, I realise it is not that easy and you can't always just up and leave...but if the people around you are not being understanding, supportive or even loving, it is not exactly helping you either. They become your mirror, your measuring stick and you think you are what they reflect. This is simply not true. Just like if you look in a warped mirror and look nothing like yourself...the reflection is a lie, the mirror is wrong. Same with you and your family, just because they treat you like nothing, does not mean you are nothing...it's them, not you. I guess at the moment you'll just have to take my word for it (been exactly where you are now) that you can heal, you will take back control, you will look back at today a year from now and see what a bad place you were in but that you got out and you met other people, people who care and understand. And who knows, you might even write supportive comments on this very forum to comfort people in the same situation as you are in today. So remember it and use it later. All of us in this forum know what it's like. The pain, the guilt, the loneliness...all of it! Let us know how today goes! Big hugs xx
It's partly me, I push people away because I'm scared or don't want to burden them. I know I need to help but I don't know how to get or ask for it, usually because I'm let down and I feel worse. I feel like I'm drowning and I just can't catch a breathe and the more I try I seem to sink deeper and deeper. I try be positive and do things and it ends up back firing and I sink further. I've distance myself from a lot of negativity but now I'm just alone, I don't know which is worse. I will try take your word for it and I hope today gives me a little bit of clarity and I start to see a little hope but I dunno what else to do. I really hope it gets better and I can one day give hope and advice to someone else. Thank you so much for your help and replying, sorry for the delay with my reply. I wanted to process it and I had to get to work. I will let you know. Thank you again. X
I had my first session yesterday and at first it felt strange but she made me feel at ease and let me talk without judgement. It felt great to hear her thoughts and opinions on points I discussed that I didn't realise. I'm so glad I signed up for it, it's going to be a long journey but yesterday gave me a little hope. Which is scary but I'm thankful. I appreciate your support, it means more than you know 😊
Hi I reckon if you behaved like this towards your people then maybe they are avoiding you for their own sanity? Have you ever thought they might be terrified of you? Scared of what you might do next.
I think you can probably regain their trust by showing them that you have changed and that you are going for treartment. Also that you regret your previous outbursts and know it was totally wrong.
Please give counselling a chance to help you before you consider doing anything rash.
I have never been violent to anyone, just emotional. I think I'm a lot to take on, especially with my bad highs and awful lows. I haven't done anything to scare them other than get upset and hide away and cry. What I might do next?! In what way? How can I lose their trust when they don't speak to me, I get my emotions haven't helped but how how that scare them or or make them not trust me. They don't even know, I had multiple overdoses. I have apologised for when I've got mad or upset.
I can't speak for them but I know I would be scared if someone behaved like that towards me and would avoid them like the plague. It isn't only physical abuse which scares others you know. Maybe they do understand a bit but have realised they can't get through to you so think it's better not to try. I don't know - but if they are all behaving like that then there must be a reason.
Maybe they think you want to be alone, or that you are better off that way? Maybe they have their own issues they are dealing with and haven't got the emotional energy to deal with you? I think if you can get to the bottom of the reasons then maybe you can start healing going between you.
Whatever it is just hang on and let the counselling help you. The counsellor should have some good ideas of what is really happening and how to deal with it. x
If someone you love is in pain and is crying out for help, you would avoid them? I haven't abused my family verbally, I just get upset, I don't say any mean things to them. I just hide away and avoid people. They haven't even tried to get through to me, I opened up to a lot of them and explained what I was going though and nothing. So it's ok to give up on people you love?! I don't want to be alone, I've asked for help, for support. I know they have issues and I don't want them to do anything other than just love me and let me know I'm not alone. I appreciate your honesty. It makes sense they think I'm a bad person, they've all told me I'm selfish and pathetic. So your points make sense.
It just sounds like I'm a lost cause. I don't wanna burden or hurt anyone. If they're scared or don't wanna be around me, maybe what they say is the truth. Fighting to be loved when I'm clearly unlovable and I'm causing more damage. That was never my intention, I would never wanna hurt anyone and I would do anything for any of my friends and family.
You're in a dark place right now, but you're reaching out and we're listening. You are worth more not less, and have opportunities ahead of you to enjoy. It might not seem that way but trust me as you have shown amazing strength to reach out to this group. Be proud of yourself, go counselling and maybe your doctor too for extra support? The fact you consider others feelings regarding your thoughts to leave this world early, shows kindness, thoughtfulness and love to your fellow human beings....give some of that energy back to yourself and know you're a lovely person.
having depression or anxiety (or anything in between) can be a tricky situation for people around you. Even the most loving and well-meaning people can approach you in a way that is worse for you and makes you feel worse, even if they mean well. You don't suffer depression alone, your nearest community will always be affected and if this is not talked about and handled in a good constructive manner, it all becomes stressful, triggers annoyance and in your case it seems it has become pure resentment. As you are saying, it's not like you are throwing chairs at each other, but there is an underlying sense of "whatever" and that sometimes flares up into rows. it is weird status quo where nothing is being done and you just feel increasingly isolated and abandoned. In order for them to be able to become a helpful resource for you, they too need to be helped. They need to understand their part in your health and you need to understand your impact on their lives. Both have jobs to do going forward in finding a good and balanced relationship where you get the support they need and they get the space they need so that they too can replenish the energy to help and support you. There is a lot of support for people who live with / are in a close relationship with a depressed person. Maybe with the correct tools they can start understanding your needs rather than misunderstanding them and stop being scared of interacting with you. And you can also start feeling that they are supportive and you can be relaxed and honest around them. Ask your doctor/counsellor next time you see them of how to begin that work. They normally have a few good exercises up their sleeve to help you get started with a controlled conversation with your family and friends. There is a lot of support for them. As for yourself, this will free up a bit on energy for you to concentrate on getting better for yourself. To start understanding some of the underlying stressed you are dealing with and start untangle your threads. It's not an easy task, but it is worth it, I promise xx
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