How do I cope after bottling everything up and then it becomes too late to pull back?

Hi, I'm new to here, and after several years of trauma, now finding myself in desperate need of help. In brief, starting 4 years ago, my wife walked out of our marriage suddenly after 19 years, I turned to my best mate for advice and eventually found out it was him that she left me for. I then had 3 changes of home and a change of job, as well as losing both parents in the space of 9 months. All this left me with very little support network, and I bottled up all the trauma and anxiety. Living alone for 4 years has been so very difficult, and I turned to dating websites for adults to seek friends, company and perhaps a new partner, but then found myself addicted to online chatting. In the past couple of weeks I found myself seeking chat from all over the country just for the company, but then got into an inadvertent chat with someone who said they were over 18 but then turned out to be under 16. Faced with the choice of chatting to somebody or being alone and talking to nobody, I continued the chat. It was monitored and is now being investigated by the police, and I have lost my job as a result. Life has become a total nightmare. I don't know where to turn. Any help please????

9 Replies

  • Oh dear, Raymond61 you have been through the mill in the last 4 years.. Sorry to hear about your parents.. And as for your mate... Well!

    Many of us bottle things up, usually as a means of survival, really but it all has to come tumbling out again at some point.. Would seeing your GP, maybe getting some counseling help? I know it might not seem 'up your street' but it has helped me.. Just having someone to off load to, maybe find some ways to deal with things better..

    You say you used dating websites, so I'll ask, did you meet this girl on one of those? As you are under investigation, I'm assuming that means trawling through your computer? Did the chat with this girl change when you realised her age? No, you don't have to answer me, it's just questions that might lead to how innocent these chats were.. It may be just a precaution, at least I hope so..

    What ever the outcome, I do think you should see your GP for the initial traumas you have suffered, you still need to take care of yourself.

  • Hi, many thanks for such a quick reply. I had already been doing some counselling, but I will certainly need lots more.. and maybe more targeted on specific issues. The person I chatted to had registered on a site for over 18s.. then admitted her age later in the conversation. I was certainly more cautious about the conversation from then on, but just wanted someone to chat with. It became what might be termed 'cheeky banter', and I certainly didn't think I was doing anything harmful. I was just so desperate to have a conversation with anybody. Yes, my electronic devices are now being examined, but they already had the transcripts of the conversations. I've been to the GP, and have an appointment to see her again this week...but its getting through the night times that is just so painful at the moment, and the fears about my future employment. Thanks again for replying, and giving me space to vent my anxiety.

  • Well, if the chat became more cautious and she signed on to an over 18s site it doesn't look as bad as it could have done.. I hope things work out okay for you..

    I can relate to difficult nights and fear for the future but I guess we have to take things a day at a time.. I know that's not very helpful but it's all we can do for now.. Neither of us have magic wands..

    Keep up the counseling, it can seem like a long old haul but it will help.. Your GP might be able to help if you're not sleeping, also there are natural ways to help yourself, no caffeine before bed, maybe a relaxing bath, music, whatever chills you out.. I would say cut out the night time computer time as well but I'm guilty there too so will keep quiet on that one.. He, he..

    I hope for tonight at least, you're feeling a little less troubled now that you have vented a bit..

    Take care.

  • Welcome Raymond. At least you are open about your problems. What you feel re trauma after losing both parents is normal to say the least. We are orphans at any age ! You grew inside your mums tummy. Your wife up and leaving added to the stress so who wouldn't be in a trauma ? Helps I found if you look back at the marriage and tell yourself it was a good idea at the time. No hard feelings ! From an old girls point if view, ( me ) I have at last come to the conclusion that we can only live in this present moment, nothing will bring back five minutes ago and only God knows what will happen in next minute ! Helps is you can say to yourself " S** it ! I matter and this is My life, nobody else's. The kid who fooled you has a lot to learn in life ! Don't be so hard on yourself ! Plenty of the little so and sos about ! Don't bottle it all up! So what? We all want to be on the end of some TLC and like flowers, can wilt and shrivel if go too long without some. Don't stuff yourself up with medicines etc and zonk yourself out - try get out and about and walk etc in fresh air. Move your arms and legs ! You and you alone matter so all the angels in heaven cannot prove you are an awful person. The ones like the police may well find themselves in same situation one day! It is now that matters! All the best! Chin up ! Smile and the world smiles with you !

  • Bless you that is so encouraging. I do need to get out and walk and breathe the fresh air and make the most of each day as things unfold. My biggest worry right now is the loss of my job. I expected to be suspended and for them to carry out their own investigation and at least wait for the police to finish their investigation, I can't believe they went for immediate dismissal. I'm not a bad guy... I got caught up in something at a very fragile and stressful time, but it seems companies and police are so quick to seize on something and assume guilt. Right now I just need friends to talk to, be with and message. Thank you again for your lovely reply x

  • Glad to be of help. So many of us been there, done that. I am 80 and having to start life again which is no joke! I sometimes feel like that painting " The Scream" ! Know it is passing but shock leaves you numb doesn't it ?you must be suffering so much but honestly Raymond , you know you have been so vulnerable so stop beating yourself up! Plenty of others willing to do that for you eh ? If you are not guilty then nothing can make you so ! Life today is changing for us all. We are so quick to judge others aren't we? As long as you can see, walk, breathe and smell nice flowers count your blessings. Nature has so many things to show us !i just try once a day,get outside, concentrate on looking at a tree, leaf pattern, rose petals , ,anything at all in nature. Sounds daft but even 5 mins can do good. . Close your eyes and feel anything at all ! Let them do their damndest re investigations! Always another job around the corner! May be a better one - who knows ! Get out and say hello to anyone ! People know people know people etc. Always someone else who needs your smile today ! Let us know how it goes.

  • Hi I am sorry you are going through this and I do agree with the others.

    Looking back you would have been a lot wiser to have stopped the chat immediately with this young girl, but it's easy to be wise in retrospect isn't it?

    I don't think online chatting too much is healthy. Nothing wrong with some of it but it is no substitute for living life in the real world. Get yourself out and about more and meet more real life people rather than spending all your time on online sites.

    If you are looking for that someone special then adult dating sites are ok I guess. I know many these days meet prospective partners on there but do try and stick to those nearer your own age.

    I wish you the best.

  • Hi thanks for your reply. yes of course I know I should have stopped the chat, but I was facing the choice of chatting to someone, or feeling desperately lonely yet again. I know it was wrong but my emotions took over. I agree online is not like the real world.. but I'm a shy guy who lacks confidence. I am genuinely looking for partner near my age. I just got sucked into chatting with someone for the sake of conversation, and then it turned out they were younger than I first thought. Thank you again for replying, I do appreciate it.

  • You are very welcome Raymond.

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