How many time do I have to get back up?

I'm new to this forum and today is a black day. I feel like I've spent my entire life being knocked down. People always used to say they were amazed by my strength and how I just kept going, but the constant knocks have changed me and I don't like the person I have become. I don't recognise myself but I feel like the old me is just out of reach and that I'll never get there. I've tried medication but it has never helped me. I seem to get all the side effects without the benefits. Has anyone had improvement with counselling alone?

40 Replies

  • Hi MVB, I'm relatively new to the forum to so welcome. Which medications did you try and for how long? I was really reluctant to go on anti depressants this time round. I had them years ago and the side effects hit me really hard. This time round the first anti depressants I took made me worse, but the ones I'm on now are working really well. I've got to go for a review because I might need to have them increased.

    I can't answer your question about counselling alone. I can tell you that last time I just had medication and that was great as a temporary fix, but this time round with the counselling I'm making what I hope is sustainable progress.

    I'd never had counselling before, but I have learned so much and been given tools to help me cope and handle how I feel, but I wouldn't have had any benefit from this a couple of months ago when I wasn't capable of thinking straight and was harming myself. The medication has put me in a place where I was capable of hearing what the counsellor had to say.

    I'm sorry that you are having a black day. What have you managed to do today? Have you gotten out of bed? Have you had a shower? Have you even managed to go to work? If so, you are already doing really well. If not, how about you get out of bed and make it?


  • I've tried medication twice, once in my early 20s and once 2 years ago, both times they were ssri's although I can't remember the names of the specific medication. I have had counselling twice but I haven't found it very helpful although I have a friend who said that she didn't the first time but then got the 'right' counsellor for her and found it very helpful. My need to make other people happy always holds me back. I lied to both counsellors and said I felt better even though I didn't as I felt I was letting them down (silly, I know). I'm reluctant to take any medication as what is getting me down at the moment is infertility and I hate the thought of taking medication incase I get pregnant. There are no antidepressants with no risk to a baby and the 'safest' one (the one I took 2 years ago) did nothing for me. I haven't been to work at all this week, nor have I showered but I did call and book a counselling appointment so some progress has been made.

  • Thanks for sharing that. I can understand why you don't want to take medication now. I'm in a fairly similar situation. I want to start trying for kids, but I can't because I'm on anti depressants and because I'm overweight.

    I also know how it feels to put others happiness before my own. Do you think anyone else would do that for you? If you had counselling this time round what is going to stop you from lying to them about how you feel?

    Have you been to the Doctors about trying to get pregnant? Do you know whether you are infertile or have you not been successful yet? Do you take the pre natal vitamins that you can buy in supermarkets?

    Could the fertility be playing a huge part in your low mood? I'm sure I've read somewhere that depression can affect conception (but don't quote me on it).

    I had a counsellor through work and she was awful, made me feel worse about myself. My counsellor has been wonderful. I will probably struggle when I stop seeing her, and I'm sure I'll come here for support. I hope your counsellor is someone you form a bond with this time.

    Ok, so you haven't been to work that's fine. I had to quit my job and I'm still unemployed. It's also ok that you haven't showered. Did you get out of bed? Could you have a shower, even if you don't wash your hair?

    You've made a great start by calling the counsellor.


  • I'm currently on my second round of infertility treatment. I take prenatal/conception vitamins, don't drink caffeine or alcohol etc.i usually eat pretty healthily but when I have times like this I usually eat junk or don't eat at all. We have been trying for a baby for almost 3 years now with no success but our infertility is one of the 10% of cases that is undiagnosed. Which basically means they have no idea why I can't get pregnant. I suppose it's possible that my mood is affecting my fertility but I don't think it's the only problem.

  • How are you getting on?


  • Hello M-V-B, No one is the person they used to be. Some of us become wiser, more adaptable , some of us regress unfortunately . My point is not to look back, but to look forward to what you want to become and work at making that happen.

    As far as medication goes , it can take some time to figure out what works for you. I have tried several and it takes 2 weeks before they kick in, unless you have an adverse reaction. If the first doesn't work then you try another and there goes another 2 weeks.Eventually you will find the right one for you and it will defiantly help.

    Counseling has been the most help to me. I've had regular counselling for about 2 years, grief counselling, and also for chronic pain. All have helped. It is such a relief to speak with someone who will not judge you and will give you suggestions on things you can do to help yourself.

    You do sound like a strong person. Strength like that doesn't go away, you just got bumped off the track and need to get back on. Don't berate yourself, that won't be helpful. Be as kind to yourself as you would be to me if I were in the same situation.Oh wait , I am. lol,Pam

  • I had a rally bad response to the first set of tablets which made me suicidal and since then I've been very wary of medication to the stage where I don't think I'd ever take them again, especially after my last lot where I was finally pressured into taking them by a go and they did nothing except give me side effects. I read somewhere recently that 50% of patients with depression don't benefit from medication and I don't see the point in trying something that might kill me or harm my potential baby.

  • I understand, I had the suicidal response to one medication also and it was horrible. Scared the life out of my children. I would never pressure anyone to do anything,only make suggestions. Any chance you might try a holistic practitioner ? I guess I would Google alternative ways to treat depression for other ideas. I wish you well, please let us know how you are getting on. Pam

  • Hi, Welcome to the forum.

    Sorry you are having a black day, let's see if we can't brighten it slightly with some suggestions to help you through to be coming a stronger person.

    I was the same always had my good nature used and some people wouldn't listen to me when it turned out that I was consistently better at coming up with ideas and help and plans than they were.

    I was devastated when my doctor suggested anti-depressants and also sleeping tablets. Neither of which I wanted to take. Through his patient guidance we came up with a plan where I'd take the medication he was suggesting to help me to focus on alternative methods of helping me through this difficult time.

    I did have some weird side effects to some of the tablets he initially prescribed, but we eventually found ones that worked for me.

    So as well as taking the medication , he arranged for me to do a CBT course on anxiety and depression that was offered by my medical authority. He also sent me to see the psychiatric department. Then later signed my up for a Stress Control seminar.

    I focused on telling myself that the medication was only to help me to be able to focus on the other treatments. I had a plan and even although there were some set backs it worked.

    I am not fully back , but I know have the tools to help me cope with the bad events and days.

    One set back I had was that I had to stop seeing the local authority psychiatrists. At the time they were using locums and I was getting worse everytime I saw a new one, because I had to go through all that had happened again and felt like the good work that I was doing was being undone by bringing up the same issues everytime. I found a psychologist and went to see them privately and that was so much better although costly.

    I know you can get past this and find a method that works for you.

    My focus has been more on the counselling and practising the techniques given to me while the medication is only a back up to allow me to focus and function enough to get the best out of the counselling and the other techniques I have been doing classes for or have read that may help.

    Hope this help.

  • That is so true 20voices. Medication can only get you so far; the rest is up to you. The strategies you put in place and coping mechanisms you utilize are what ultimately makes you stronger. Medication is important, but is not the sole reason why you feel better.

  • Hi the first thing to remember is that everyone is different and what drugs adversely affect one person will not affect others. There are lots of different ones to try but no one can make you if your heart is against is. Incidentally the figure of 50% is incorrect as it is is 1/4 of people are treatment resistant ie ad's don't help.

    This only leaves counselling unless you can find a more holistic way of helping yourself but this is useless unless you can tell them the whole story and not lie to them. So try counselling again but this time vow to be honest with them.

    Incidentally should you be trying for a baby whilst you are so depressed? I think this would make you worse at the moment as your hormones will be up and down so much and a crying baby won't help much will it? Would it be fair on the baby as well to have a depressed mum?

    Unless your biological clock is fast running out then I think you should concentrate on dealing with your depression at the moment and putting your pregnancy plans on hold. x

  • Oh and Pam is right - no one ever stays the same as life changes and shapes you rubbing off your rough edges and making you hopefully wise as well as older! Saying you don't like yourself now is saying you regret what's happened to you in life isn't it? We are what we are and life knocks us all about with no one escaping unscathed.

    You need to accept this and move on instead of harking back to the past. x

  • And of course I regret what has happened to me in life. I used to be a kind person but my depression has made me selfish and cruel. I hate the way I respond to the people I care about but I can't stop myself. If some of the things that have happened to me hadn't happened then I might have had a chance to keep that optimism and empathy.

  • Wouldn't we all MVB? If wishes were kisses etc. I do get that depression can make you more selfish and it is common to push people away, but at the end of the day we all have to learn to roll with the punches of life.

    I've been through a lot of shite in my life too you know as we all have - some people it breaks and some people it makes. It's your choice which it is at the end of the day. I too have changed drastically as a person over the years but have always refused to let bitterness and unhappiness into my heart and soul as that is a mugs game.

    I agree if your biological clock is ticking then it has to be your choice and a difficult one it is too. I don't envy you but I do hope you get the family you want and deserve Take care. x

  • Depression is not a choice.

  • No depression isn't a choice but it doesn't mean you have to be selfish or cruel. Not if you explain to people what's going on and tell them you do love them anyway but you are having problems at the moment. I am more concerned because you want to go back to being someone who doesn't exist any more and you may be getting bitter?

    I have lived with depression al my life and I try to have a good heart and keep compassion and love in there. Once you give hate and bitterness house room there is no space for love. x

  • I don't understand what is wrong with wanting to be like I used to be. I think you may not understand what I am trying to say.

  • I do understand but can't seem to get through to you. Wanting to go backwards stops you going forward. x

  • Who is to say that my past is not my future? I was happy, now I am not. Your way is not the only way.

  • I have given an honest genuine response to your post M_V_B. It's up to you what you do. I am not going to respond further.

  • It does feel like you are being deliberately antagonistic but I am aware that feeling attacked is a symptom so once again I don't know if someone is being purposely hurtful or if I'm being over sensitive.

  • Over sensitive I should think! I never reply unless I think I can help, I'm not like that. Obviously I'm not helping so am bowing out.

  • I'm sorry if I upset you. It wasn't my intention. I was just saying how I felt.

  • I guess what upset me was you questioning if I should be having children whilst I was depressed when I had already said that I was depressed because of infertility. However you touched a nerve because I constantly question weather I would be a good enough mother.

  • Hi there I have to say I agree with Cough a lot , she is being very helpful and you just cannot see this, no one can go back, we change all the time.You are being over sensitive and seem very angry . I too am Depressed but that doesn't mean I'm cruel or bitter , so it's your choice if you want to say unhappy and bitter. We cannot go back as we are changing every day, you must live inthe present and forget the past, it's history. You could waste your whole life wishing this that and the other and meanwhile your present life will be wasting away.


  • Again, someone telling me that the way I feel is a choice. This is not a choice.

  • How is blaming me for not making the right choice supportive?

  • Our feelings are our feelings but what I mean is that we have a choice in whether we get up and have a breakfast or shower, we may choose not to, but to get well we must make choices all the time , otherwise we will stay depressed.

    I feel for you about your infertility as I was told I was Infertile at 22yrs and IVF was not an option then, I never had children and yes it was very very hard.

    But I never got bitter about it and all those events made me the person I am today.

    This Forum will have lots of opinions and not everyone will agree with each other and I think that's a healthy democratic thing. I don't think I was being unsupportive as why would I bother answering you at all then. Look I will finish now and wish you all the best with your IVF.


  • My biological clock is running out fast. They estimate I have about 1-2 years before I can't have children.

  • I imagine that being told that must have been really hard for you. Why do you think you can be cruel to the people you love? What makes you react that way?

    I have reactive depression (depression caused by life events as opposed to a chemical imbalance) and haven't had it all of my life. But I have wanted to kill myself and I have self harmed in the past six months, and I have hit rock bottom. For me, I think the right medication and actually voicing my feelings has been life altering. I was a bubbly, positive person and the depression zapped it out of me. I couldn't control my temper or my emotions and would cry constantly.

    A person told me about an analogy that I think of when I have bad days, sometimes it helps and other times it doesn't.

    Imagine that in your soul you have two wolves. A wolf that lives in the light and is the best of you and a wolf that lives in the dark and is the worst of you. Which one survives? The one you feed.

    Just because you've behaved a certain way doesn't mean that you can't recover your relationships. I imagine trying for children would be a really stressful time and the time pressure probably makes it work. What do you do to treat yourself? What do you do to chill out? How often do you do it?



  • I'm just wondering would you consider adoption? I wanted to adopt but my ex husband did not, our marriage broke up, and my infertility I'm sure was a big factor. He remarried soon after and had a son with his next wife.

    Keep your options open, but I'm sure being infertile is a big factor in your Depression, were you Depressed before you found out about your infertility? Ah it's tough, I will keep you in my prayers.


  • I'm undecided on adoption. I always wanted to adopt my last child (after I had had my own) but in the light of my infertility my plans have changed and now everything's is up in the air. I'm not willing to proceed until I am sure it is the path for me. One day I think it's a great idea, the next I am angry that my choices have been taken away.

  • I think it's natural to be angry at Infertility, when I found out 40 yrs ago, there was no counselling and no body including my own family wanted to talk about it and I felt so helpless and alone, so I do understand you much better.

    All I can say is do your best with the IVF but if that doesn't work adopt as I would have loved a child and I would encourage anyone to do everything to have a child.

    In the meantime try and relax and be really kind to yourself as you have so much going on.


  • Hi M_V_B and welcome, your among friends.

    Dont worry about where your at, sounds like your changing to make constant knocks more manageable. Subconciously of course. Do you feel like your becoming de sensitised, less able to deal with bullshit, no time for anything that doesnt matter to you, abit darker personality? Pretty normal after years and years of acting okay infront of people and constantly pushing through knocks without rest.

    Counsiling can definately help, if thats what you want?

    Maybe take a closer look and youl find the new you aint too bad.


    Adam x

  • Thanks Adam, that's exactly what I feel but I don't want to be that person. I want to be me again.

  • Becoming pregnant could send your hormones into a frenzy... and a newborn, as wonderful as it is, can be ultra stressful... Plus, postpartum problems could be a double trouble for you... please, for your sake, put any thought of becoming pregnant on hold.... Having a baby definitely will NOT be a 'cure' for anything...

    Being depressed may not be a choice...but the way we react is ALWAYS our choice... at least for the most part..(like 90% :) ). Even if a person gets annoyed or impatient or hurtful in any way towards another... if one apologizes rather than using it as an excuse..that goes a LONG way in retaining friendships or any kind of relationships...

    A lot of help and good CAN come from therapy...but it is not an instant cure...and you have to be painfully honest in what 'really' is bothering you... When a therapist says something you don't usually is a sign that you are coming close to a real problem... (talking from experience).... I don't WANT sympathy from my therapist because that will not help me... Good luck to you... and 'Cough' is right...there is NO going back...that was hard for me to hear, too... you have to keep pushing forward... I try hard to concentrate of the GOOD things.... not being a Pollyanna, either... and I know that Mindfulness helps us to monitor our thoughts... I hope it will be ok to recommend a book to you: Its called "You Can Heal Your Life" by Louise Hay... its really helped a lot of people. Sending you loving good wishes.

  • Once again someone who hasn't read what I've written before replying. I am depressed because I am infertile. How is holding off on having kids supposed to help? If I hold off I only reduce my chances. Of course I always apologise to my love ones, are there actually people out there who don't? But you can't take back hurtful comments. Once said they remain said.

  • I don't know who you are referring to with "once again someone answers without reading what I wrote" ... But I think ALL of us have tried to say what we think would be helpful. Anyway... I am SOOOOO outa here....

  • I have never been so dissapointed. I thought that here, at the very least I might find some people who understand depression. Instead I found a load of people who told me my depressions was my choice. You might as well have told me it was my fault. I've been told to hold off having children, even though I've said I'm depressed because I'm infertile. Telling me to hold off having children is quite possibly the most insensitive thing I've ever heard. If I was still having a black day when I read these comments they could have been the difference between life and death. I hope you all think more carefully before 'saying what you think' to people in the future before you do some real harm. I am done with this site.

  • Just seen this thread. Shattered myself. If you want to talk im here.

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