My girlfriend left me for another man. And I can't get it out of my head.. Please help

I was only with this girl 2 years. I've done some bad things that I regret on her and she has made my life hell with retaliation. We always found away back to each other, everyone hates me over her, anytime I go back near her my family don't talk to me and I fell out with all my friends over her, yet I still go back to her for more hurt. I sill love her only she thinks I don't. I've never felt more inlove in my life. And I always knew that we would be together and stay together we both just always kept coming back and hurting each other more. But this time is completely different after she left me for another man. I'm completely heart broken and can't see past it and it's killing me. I've tried all sorts of help but all I do all day long now that she's not around is sit at home and do nothing at all.. I lost my Job and all my friends and now she's completely gone, only this time won't be back. Feel like the person I have just been with 24/7 for the past two years is dead and I won't ever se her again. Only telling me the night before how much she loved me. I don't no what to do I'm going crazy and I'm dead inside and I'm a good person being made out not to be and accused of bad things that has never happened. I just feel like I have zero purpose at all

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  • Hi Evan,

    Probably not what you want to hear but here goes..

    It's hard being in love with the wrong person. I say wrong because the history you describe here is not that of a healthy relationship.

    In a healthy relationship there is respect and courtesy; so the fact that you hurt each other shows that it is missing.

    You both appear to be vindictive instead of supportive and whatever magnetism kept you together was not positive.

    Start trying to see the relationship as a learning experience so that you dont make the same mistakes. This will help you to move on.

    Keep in mind that your purpose is not a relationship - you still need to find it.

    Hope this helps?

    Rick1on1

  • Thank you Rick , it just seems impossible at the moment tho, she's all I think about all day everyday. This is the first time this has happened to me and I've no idea how long it will last. It hurts so bad she's everything to me. Yes it's such a bad sounding relationship on paper but the love we had for one another was so real, and I've been stripped of that. Last night she told me that she " hated me" this was after not talking to her for a few days. I missed her and love her very much so I got back in contact with her to ask her how she was and it was such a mistake.. 2 years together and I was expecting her to miss me too and want to see me, but instead she sends me a picture of her with another man ( a man I never wanted her to be with ) and told me she hated me. Loving someone that hates you is a new feeling for me and it's so painful. I'm reliving the worst nightmare I've had and it like I just want to wake up. Thanks for your reply tho , crazy how another persons words can help a little bit. I just would love to no exactly how long what I'm feeling will last.

  • Hi Evan,

    The first thing - what you're describing there, about sitting at home doing nothing, losing your job etc - that sounds a lot like the symptoms of clinical depression. That needs treatment, please go and see a GP asap.

    I've been in a relationship similar to the one you tall about that left me clinically depressed, and Rick's post is absolutely right, it's not a healthy one. Some personality types are just a toxic mixture, no matter how much you might feel for one another. Personally, counselling really helped me with understanding that and making sure it doesn't happen again, so that might be helpful to you as well.

    Meaning or purpose isn't really something you can find or that can be given to you. It's a bit like happiness - if you go looking for meaning or happiness you won't find them. They only come from within you, through the way you think and act.

    The important thing right now is your health. Try to forget all the other stuff as much as possible and concentrate on getting mentally healthy - then worry about the bigger things like meaning and purpose.

    Look after yourself and talk to us here as much as you need to.

    Themys

  • Thanks so much for your reply. I already suffer mentally with depression, I've been in and out of hospital over it and to counsellors over different matters such as not having a job,cloths deaths of loved ones and even then she wasn't there for me through out this horrible depression. I've finally hit rock bottom where I can't stop crying. She filled my heart at times witch it's so hard to deal with what's happening now, she's so horrible to me but I still love her with all my heart because we have a history and I'm holding onto the good memories witch is making it so much harder, she has gone to a new level of hurting me, I texted her telling her I love her on New Year's Eve witch she replied a pic of her with a man ( a man I have been always paranoid about) and told me she hates me. Such a bitter pill to swallow and j really have no motivation to give life much longer I'm in so much pain and I can't see any light at the end of the tunnel.. She looked so beautiful in the picture she sent me. Why do I feel so much love for someone that's out to hurt me so bad.. I am not the perfect man and I have done wrong on get before, but nothing I have done deserved what see has done to me. I'm completely lost

  • You are grieving and grief hurts. It cuts like a knife deep inside and it hurts physically. You feel dazed as if hit in the gut. The upset of losing someone you love is so profound. It doesn't matter if people say you were wrong for each other. It still hurts as much as the death of any loved one.

    But, and holding on to the but will preserve your sanity, but, anything can happen.

    In life anything can happen. Your ex may return, you may both reform, you may live happily ever after, or she may come back and leave again. Look at Elizabeth Taylor and Richard Burton. You may win the lottery, you may meet the girl of your dreams in the local shop this afternoon, and get your dream job tomorrow; or then again you might slip into depression, alcoholism, drug addiction and misery. What happens is not written in the starts; and try as we may we can't totally control life. We cannot make life to be what we want; no-one can. But you can hang on. You can start becoming strong again, re-becoming that man your ex must have fallen for big time. You may not be able to hope for anything today, maybe not tomorrow or even next year. But today is today. A cup of tea and a piece of toast can be like caviar and champagne some days. You are a worthwhile good thoughtful person. You would not have written with such forthrightness if you were not. In sharing your grief and pain you are helping others make some sense of their lives too; thank you.

    So, start off by being kind to yourself; cut yourself some slack. Take a deep breath, (4 seconds in, and 6 out). Hold your left hand firmly with your right, and squeeze. Start loving yourself. When you do that, then others will too.

    Imagine getting a new job, enjoying some simple pleasures. Go to the park and feed the ducks. Have a wander and begin your new life. It could be great, could be crap, but it's a new life. And start by saying hello to half a dozen strangers as you wander around.

    Don't beat yourself up, be kind to yourself, and think how great you were to have harnessed the typhoon of your ex girlfriend. So if you did it once you can do it again. May not be today, may not be tomorrow, may be her, may be someone better, but one day your Mojo will be back on song.

    Have a rest from self criticism. Start by reminding yourself of you qualities and no thinking of bad things for the next hour for a start.

    Lots of people here who are with you; so good luck

  • That's a great reply

    Up there with the best of them

  • Thank you. I don't no if anyone's being in the position I'm in and I just really want to no how long I'm going to grief over it

  • Hi .. there is no time limit on griefing. As its emotional and reason has nothing to do with your feeling. You can grief for 2 weeks or you can grief for 6 months. My advice is to get out of the house as much as possible. Meet up with friends and family. Exercise. Take a hobby class. Surrender yourself with happy things. We cannot control how we feel but we can control what we do. Xxx

  • Sometimes you will feel down. And numb. But remember. Tomorrow is another day. Embrace your pain. Hug it and let it go. Say good bye to your suffering like you say good bye to a friend. Go back to live and don t get scared if sometimes hits you again. Be kind to yourself x

  • Hi Evan25

    I've suffered your experience , more or less exactly the same . You probably won't like what I'm going to tell you but it would be wise to think about it .

    Just like you I was torn , my father gave me money and tickets to Ireland for a week , It was a welcome break , I went with a girl that week it helped break the spell , I didn't have a relationship for many months and became desperately lonely I was so close to suicide the cocoon of isolation deep deep isolation had started to spin around me for about two weeks , I don't know how but I managed to make the effort to go and talk to a young woman who had been a temp for my father , she in turn arranged to meet me and introduce me to a local youth club where she stayed along with me for a couple of hours in which to my surprise I was welcomed with open arms to local soon to be mates and girls . Over the next few months I got to know and go out with a few of the girls and eventually someone said that a particular girl was mad about me , so I bit the bullet and went out with her , she was a girl i had seen but hadn't taken to at all , so we went out once then again this was the beginning of 48yrs of. Very happy marriage , when I met her I was still RAW from the break up that had pushed me close to the edge ..... It became obvious to me in later life that the first relationship was one where we both needed affection that we weren't getting elsewhere and had not been getting elsewhere so we had been leaning on each other for that love BUT we weren't made for each OTHER ...... The youth club was a church youth club and I had NEVER been to church in my life but I made an effort to fit in....... But this C of E church also became something that I lean on although I have not been for years now,,, but it gave me good solid ground to stand on .

    Make a new path for yourself go and talk to someone . Your doctor might seem the last person you could talk to but he is there for people in mental torment as well as physical torment .... People open doors and you need a door , go and try , it takes guts sometimes but perseverance will get you there

    I'll be thinking about you lad

  • I've been there. Think most of us have to be honest and you know what I am putting money on the fact all your friends and family cannot stand to see this control she has over you and how unhappy it makes you. Can you see that permanently because proper love although its never easy and has highs and lows isn't like this. They don't play emotional games and you don't with them either. You work together as a team. Some people are lucky and find that person straight away and others can take years. You deserve better and to not let this lady pick you up then throw you down again. She knows what she is doing and keeping you as a reserve. Who wants that? If she can treat anyone like this she really isn't worth your time and worry. Take little steps to keep her out of your head. Rebuild relationships with friends and family and I promise you eventually when you are in the right place someone will come into your life that makes all that a distant memory.

  • That's for all the messages they are helping.. My problem is any time we would break up I would always go out with my friends and have fun and try my hardest to forget about it, but this time is so way different.. This time my ex girlfriend has broken my friendship with my friends with lying to them about me being with one of my close friends ex girlfriends but that never happened and now none of them want anything to do with me, even tho it's a lie.. Now I'm completely on my own, and the picture she sent me with that other man is driving me crazy and can't get it out of my head. I've deleted the picture straight away, but still is saved in my brain. It's horrible. I really do hope I get out of this misery, I had to google what to do and all of your messages have been so helpful thanks so much ❤️

  • Firstly I would say give it time to cool down a bit. Then maybe write a letter to one of those friends when the dust is settled explaining what's happened. If they still don't believe you then they really are not great mates at all. I've lost friendships myself and I think in the end it makes you a stronger person in a bizarre kind of way. She sounds very controlling and vindictive. Try and make some new ones, or reconnect with others that maybe you have lost touch with. A sad part of life is that you do lose friendships along the way but then you also meet new people and make better friendships with others. I know it seems so isolating and depressing right now but learn from it and use that knowledge to never ever touch her with a barge pole again! Lol. She will do the same to other guys along the way and just because she is like that, doesn't mean all women are.

  • Yes your advice great and my mam and dad give

    Me the same advice.. Just so hard to take on at the moment. I didn't the right thing I think by talk out on this the messages back really help. Thanks so much, and I no all woman aren't like that of corse not, I was in other relationships before that were good. Just an awful shame that the girl I feel I want most in the world is gone out of my life completely, I no in the long run it will be for the best. Yes very controlling and mental trust issues that eventually led me to not trusting her myself and I never had a problem with trusting girlfriends I'm just afraid now that the next girl that comes along I'll feel damaged and untrustworthy now 😔

  • Don't think just do. If that makes sense you gotta do what you gotta do to get over her. There are many ladies in the world just hold back until you know the next one properly or don't get involved until you are ready. Also it sounds as if even though she may have met someone else it's actually you doing the breaking up because she obviously still wants to keep you hanging there. It's not normal to send an ex a pic of you and your current fella! Don't play her games.

  • I'm now getting messages from her off a different number, maybe her friends phone I don't no, telling me she's sorry and she loves me.im trying so hard to stay strong and stay away from her but it's very hard when she's sending me messages like this 😩

  • Just block her number she is playing games with you. Even if you do end up together again, how can you trust someone who trys to destroy your reputation and ruin your friendships? Also you are bound to end up in this situation again.

  • Be strong

    Find ways to fill your head talk get another job interview any thing break away fill your head ,anything

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