So incredibly lonely

Hi All,

This is my first post I'm new to the forum and really hoping that somebody could provide me with some advice.

I'm twenty years old, I moved to the UK by myself at age 17 in search of a better life and more opportunities. I met my boyfriend here, I've got a good job and was able to purchase my first home which was all amazing but the one thing I feel is missing from my life is a friendship. I guess I just assumed that making friends would come naturally and over time but it just hasn't happened.

Myself and my boyfriend aren't very social, he doesn't like to go out and I don't know anybody that I could go out with. I feel completely trapped in my life.

I live alone and he lives with his family, it's fine when he's here but I don't like my own company and find that my depression is only worse when im alone and my mind has the chance to wonder, I would love to be able to have friends to talk to or go out with, a social life is so important to me and I haven't had one for such a long time it's really driving me crazy.

I've thought about starting a hobby but have no idea what? I don't have much money to spend and I have a chronic illness which leaves me very fatigued a lot of the time so i'm not able to go to exercise classes or anything like that.

I would appreciate any advice so, so much! Thank you

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14 Replies

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  • Hello Hnewman, I can understand this is a really big problem. You know your boyfriend best and it may be possible to get him to understand its a problem and enlist his help with ideas. Maybe he has a sister, or his Mum can come up with an idea. You'll have to be careful how you explain this to him , nearly all men have to some extent a possessive streak ,even when its friends of the same sex you need.

    Have you met his family ? If so and you visit occasionally it would be better if you told his Mum/Sister of the problem while he is there as they are more likely to understand you need some other friends and more social life. Make it clear to them he's wonderful but he can't be there 24/7. There were more clubs and groups around when his Mum was young and she's quite likely to come up with something. Certainly his Mum and sister if he has one will be sympathetic.

    Failing all of this being possible I do know that despite the fact there are lots of clubs and societies finding something suitable is harder than it sounds but do go though the lists of clubs in your area and it may spark something. Beginners bridge class, a painting or poetry group, volunteering to help at a food bank, music lessons (usually as you progress you'll meet others) ,a choir, the church. Most clubs are desperate for younger members-They can't pull them out of the gyms.

    Speak to other 20 year old girls at work about the problem. The more heads you enlist the more chance of coming up with something. Maybe one of your workmates will turn out to be bored some nights of the week and you could visit each other for meals some nights, or have a night out.

    As a 73 year old, old -fashioned male I probably have n't been much help but you should work at it because at least I'm old enough to appreciate this is a real problem. If all else fails (which it won't ) how about a pet ? It obviously can't be a dog if you work but there are smaller pets which can help with company.

    olderal

  • Hi olderal, thank you for your advice.

    My partner does have a sister but she is very young so not really somebody I could talk to unfortunately. He does understand how I'm feeling and agrees that I should try to make friends and have a life outside of him which is positive I guess.

    I would love to be able to make friends at work but I work for my local council in a small department, all of my other colleagues are much older than me with children and grandchildren that definitely wouldn't be interested in having a 20 year old friend unfortunately

    I will make the effort to look up groups in my area and hopefully something out there is suitable for me!

    I already have a pet he's a gorgeous little house bunny who does bring me so much joy but I still feel like I need some human interaction just to feel normal again. Thank you again!

  • i hope you read my reply above. As someone with basically no friends, only acquaintances, I find great comfort in animals. And when I did have friends, I noticed that they were all much older than I was, what in the USA, we call senior citizens. When I was in my 30s, one of my only friends was in her 80s. Sure, we didn't go out clubbing, but she was a great person with so many interesting stories to tell. She was a southern baptist, and I was a northern yankee atheist, yet we were great friends. She would help me with anything I needed, and when she broke her hip, I was right there with her holding her hand until the ambulance showed up. I even smuggled her kitten (in a backpack) in to see her in the hospital when she was depressed because she didn't see him in so long. So don't just look at people your own age. Anyone of any age can be your friend if you are open to it. You may have younger friends to go clubbing with, or older friends you can talk to. they are a font of great stories and can offer help with your life. It's especially interesting to talk about depression with them. In their lifetime, there was just that aunt or uncle that drank a lot, or crazy cousin. Back then, it was considered a character defect, now we know that a lot of those people were just self medicating themselves and it's interesting to talk to them about it.

  • You sound like you would be a great friend for her if you are in the area. I too have trouble making friends, but I noticed that when i was able to be friends (not close, I'm not capable of that), just about all of the better ones were much older than me, what would be termed senior citizens. So don't let age be limiting factor when considering friendship. I don't know why I'm drawn to older people, or why they are drawn to me. I know they have many interesting stories to tell, and they are a great source of advice and life experience.

  • Hi Hnewman2 nice to meet you and welcome to the site. Can I take this opportunity to remind you to read the community guidelines please. You will find them on the right under the pinned posts. Thank you. x

  • Hi.

    Have you not managed to click with anyone at work? Do they have work nights out or is this something you would feel comfortable organising, or even just a quick drink after work? As others have said joining groups is a good idea but can be expensive...I hate my own company too and have been trying to come up with ideas to, my only friends are work friends. What area are you living if you don't mind saying, some members may know specific things that are around that area... do you like art or walking...could find a nearby park and may meet people there? I dunno if I'm being any help cos like I said I'm the same as you! I agree with what someone else said about if your boyfriend has any family or even friends you could get to know better this could be a good place to start.

    Good luck.

    L x

  • Hi there, thank you for your advice. Unfortunately not no, my collagues are all over 50 mostly men who have families so there's no opportunity really for me to meet people through work. I live in west London near Ealing I would appreciate if anybody does know of any groups/events!

  • Aww that's really pants about work! I'm sure there must be plenty of groups to get involved in up there, hopefully someone may live in that area and will know. Do you have any particular hobbies or interests so that people have an idea of what to suggestnfor you?

    L x

  • Hello there. Check out the Meetup app. They have wuit a few social events going. If there's nothing of interest, you're able to start your own group.

    Best wishes.

  • Hi there

    Check out Meet Ups there is loads of hobbies and other stuff you can go to. It's scary to begin with but you have to take the leap and get out there to make the friendships.

    You sound very successful and you have achieved a lot. You are only 20 and have your whole life ahead of you. I'm sure with time things will turn around for you.

    Take care xx

  • Hi there,

    It's awful feeling alone Even though I have friends Depression still leaves me feeling with a sense of loneliness. It's hard when you move to a new area Sometimes it can take a while to make friends especially if you don't socialise much with your bf. what area do you live in? maybe look for local events like flower arranging classes etc

    Try and stay positive x

  • Hi to you hHnewman2 and nice that you've taken the time to join us here. This,as your other replies suggest, could indeed be the start of looking up groups,activities and clubs in your area. It will pay off to be internet curious and see what's going on around you. Of course,with all chronic illnesses, it makes certain activities not quite possible but it also can make you look at other clubs/organisations etc. Winter time is particularly difficult and I've read that you work but have you perhaps thought of any voluntary work, if you are able. These places are not only extremely grateful for any help whatsoever, but could also lead on to other things ? I wish you all the luck and you are obviously a very capable young lady who's achieved so much already! Please do tell us all how you get on and what you've been able to find out that sounds interesting.

  • I too have problems making friends. In fact, I'd say I have acquaintances, not friends. I'm sure you've heard about joining support groups and volunteering. There was a period in my life where I moved to a new state and thought that I'd make friends, and I was indescribably lonely. The one area where I found companionship and friendship of a sort was with animals. I don't know if you are an animal person, or are allowed to have a pet in your residence, but animals have sort of been my only "friends'' for a while. I like most of them better than many of my acquaintances. I don't know if I'm capable of trusting people enough to be that best friend that I want. I'm not a social person, so I don't really get to meet many people. The bar scene is not my thing. A pet may help you feel better, though it is not a replacement for a good friend. In my life, it's just the closest that I can manage. I long for a good friend that I can confide in, to tell everything to. But I've never had one, even as a child. So I think it's just something in my genetic makeup that prevents it. Perhaps that's something you should consider too. It's like I want to be a person that has friends that I could confide in and go out and have fun with. But it's kind of like wanting to be a Victoria's Secret model. I just may not be capable of it. Sorry if this is bad news for you, but it's something you can think about, and maybe it will help you deal with it. You're lucky to have a boyfriend. They're hard to find for me. If I do get one, I always get someone opposite me, someone who is outgoing and has lots of friends. Then I just borrow their friends.

  • hey, i'm replying again, just to let you know how proud you should be of yourself for making that move at such an early age, attaining success and purchasing your first home. I really admire you. That's a lot of things that most people with depresssion can't considering doing. For a lot, it's hard to hold down a job. So hopefully, you just have a mild case of depression, not a debilitating one. Just make sure to monitor yourself to make sure you show no signs of it becoming debilitating, especially trouble with going to or doing work. You also said you missed having a social life, so that's great to know that you did, at one point have one. It says that you can do it again. If you don't have a lot of energy to go out and join an exercise club, I have a few suggestions. I don't know what you like doing, but one of my favorite things to do is read. If you like to read, you can join a reading discussion club. Pets are also great companions. If you had a small dog, you could walk it when you feel well enough. And people love to talk about their pets. You could even join a training group if you feel up to it. I don't have any real friends, and have a hard time making them, so I've heard all of these suggestions before. One of the ways I have made friends was with my neighbors. And i don't cross someone off the list just because they are older than me. One of my best friends, when I was in my 30's, was my neighbor who was in her 80s. I was in a similiar situation to you. I had just moved to a new state, and didn't know anyone. She introduced herself, and we were friends until her death.

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