Depressive cycle becoming too much.

[Edg43]

I read DozyMoomin's post and I thought I would also write. I'm very familiar with this plight, so totally feel Moomin's pain. It is something you have to sort. Life ticks on and the more days in a cyclical depressed state, the less quality time you have left.

I separated from my wife of 15 years in 2013, quit my job a year later, generally because I wasn't performing any more, which I put down to being obsessed with what went wrong with my marriage, and the sense of failing my two kids. My concentration levels suffered. And not just with work. Also with my boys, my extended family, my hobbies. My motivation for everything just disappeared.

I got another job, and left after 3 months. Got another job, and lasted 11 months. I've just had 5 months claiming Jobseekers and living off the sale of the family home, and today was due to start a new job - my best paid ever! - and i've panicked and not turned up. I just apologised to the agency and the employer. I'm so anxious about everything, with huge surges of depression and fear of failure. Self-confidence is rock bottom. I just want to hide.

I met a new partner in June, have tried so hard to make it work, and by happy with her, but i'm not happy with myself, so there is no point, and I don't want to burden her with my depressive nonsense, so this has fizzled out this week. It extends to low sex drive, and the subsequent pressure i put on myself with a new partner to perform in this sense. Everything is just a complete mess.

So that's 3 new jobs since my marital split (having been in one 10 year employment, and a 2 year one when it happened). I don't have any feelings any more for my ex-wife, but there was clearly a stability that marriage with two kids brought me, that allowed me to function, despite perhaps an underlying depression. Maybe it just needed one life-event to shake me to the core and expose the depression.

I'm now sitting in a coffee shop, fully suited and booted, and have blown an opportunity of this new job. It's now time to look elsewhere, away from office life, and try to find a vocation that i will find fulfilling, as ultimately these 25 years have not been stimulating career-wise. But where to look? No idea.

Now to tell the loved ones that I didn't go, and get their wrath/disbelief/frustration and their worry for me. Hate it.

[Satsuma]

I so know where you are coming from Edg43 All I can suggest is to get through each day .. We do get stronger bit it takes time .. I am not cured but a lot stronger than what I was .. Less anxious and after being on the back of the dusty shelf on the bottom for seven years, I am polishing myself to go on to the top shelf and get myself on show haha .. I am a little older than you at 48

[Hidden]

I do not see that you have seen your GP regards your concerns. At least I would suggest that you make an appointment ASAP as you are entering a downward spiral from the loss of your marriage and family members. It may be you are loosing your confidence and given that you need someone who will be able to help you pass through this negativity you are suffering from. If this is not addressed. It will possibly be more of a problematic

Go to your GP and explain how you feel He will assist and arrange CBT and help you move on

Let us know how you get on

[dozymoomin]

Hi, thanks for reading my post and responding. I am sorry to hear that you've struggled so much, but at least we are not totally alone in our feelings regarding work which I guess in itself is a little relief.

I sometimes feel very pathetic that I can't cope with 'normal' tasks like turning up to interviews or work, but I have to tell myself that its not out of choice, its out of sickness. We know we want to work, we know we are not lazy. It can be very frustrating getting family and friends to understand that at times...

As other people have mentioned, if you haven't already I'd suggest going to your GP to see if they can help you. I started CBT and it was helping a bit with getting to the root of my depression and issues surrounding work, but unfortunately my sessions got cut short due to my relocation. I'm definitely going to refer myself for further therapy.

I once left a job after only a week, and that was the best paid position I've ever had. But with a higher pay comes more responsibilities and I just couldn't handle it and I got so stressed out I left for a lunch break and never came back. It sounds like you have done better than me sticking out jobs though, the longest I've ever held a job for was 9 months when I was working part-time in college. Since then I have always failed probationary periods due to too much absence (if I hadn't already quit that is). It is so hard to rebuild any confidence.

As for relationships, you will find that some people are more willing than others to stick out your 'bad' moments. I totally understand that when you're feeling low the last thing you feel is sexy, and it can take a while to get back into that frame of mind even with the right person. But you mustn't be so hard on yourself, you are not a burden to anyone if you need to talk about your moods and thoughts - and anyone who makes you feel that way by not being understanding about your condition is not worth your time. I don't think anyone has to love themselves to love someone else, I think its more about just being accepting of yourself and whatever flaws you may have. I wonder how my boyfriend puts up with me at times, but I realised that because we communicate well and are always honest and patient with each other about our feelings we seem to get through any rough spots.

I hope you find something soon anyway, keep searching for that job you know you'll be excited to start your first day at. It's out there somewhere!

All the best x

[Edg43]

Thanks for replying everyone.

satsuma - 7 years on the bottom shelf!? This sounds simply awful. I don't think I could survive this long in a deep low. You are a bit older so it encourages me that most of your 40s were spent in depression and you are riding out of this. Thank you.

riever and moomin - good point re GP - I didn't explain much background. I have been on citalopram since May 14, but reduced my dose from 20 to 10mg. I need to start increasing again i think. There is also a history of depression in my family - my mum, and 3 siblings have all had varying degrees of "lows" and have all dealt with it in their own differing ways. The main difference with me (I believe) is that i am running away from work opportunities/responsibilities, and the potential result scares the shit out of me. Money won't last forever. I could get rehoused (I have no idea how the system works but i am in a mid market 2 bed flat just now which is lovely- but mid market properties are for working people, not unemployed ones). I look after my wonderful boys 50% of the time and my ex-wife lives reasonably close, and we both live near the schools. At my last visit to my GP we talked about my low libido, lack of self confidence since the marital split, and even testosterone levels. I feel no excitement in anything, and can't bear the thought of pretending and faking day after day at work/with someone/in life. It takes up so much energy. And then i don't sleep well to recover. etc etc.. That's two days since not turning up to my first day at that job, and i haven't told my family. It's so embarrassing. They desperately want me to be happy, but will be so gutted that i've screwed this opportunity up. I analyse every failure so deeply. My boys are 13 and 10 and very smart. I need to develop them into strong confident people, so i can't bear telling them "my job didn't work out" as they will ask why, and i want to be honest with them but the honest answer will confuse them.

The doc did ask me to fill in a questionnaire re moods, feelings, thoughts, with a view to referring me to some nhs counselling. maybe this will be CBT. I only saw this term for the first time on here. But it definitely sounds like it's what i need. So i guess the doc will send me some info.

I MUST also get a job that i get excited about. What you said is so right Moomin. This is the holy grail for me. It's sad to admit, but in 27 years since i left school i have NEVER had a job that i enjoyed. Worse is that even when applying for those jobs I knew they weren't for me. What kind of person does this?

Sorry, I went a bit detailed with this reply!

[Satsuma in reply to Edg43]

If you can find a job in a field of work which you are passionate abou, it is said then that you need never work a day in your life .. It is about utilising the gifts you are bestowed with. Could self employment be an option for you ?