Where to start...

[Ergu122]

Hello, I'm new to the group. Don't know where to start really. I've had recurring episodes of clinical depression over the years but particularly badly for the last two years. I'm 42 and live with my partner of 7 years and I have 2 grown up children from a previous marriage. I've isolated myself from all my own family and find it difficult to be around my partner's family. I have no friends, genuinely none. Unsurprisingly, I feel so lonely. My partner is a good man but is driven by work and this takes all his time. I gave up a full time job as I just couldn't cope with people and tasks. I then agreed to work for my partner part-time even though I didn't feel able to. This is not working either for my own happiness or my relationship. All my life, I have been the one who helps everyone and sorts everything out but I feel like I have had a breakdown. I'm insecure, angry, tearful and just so sad. I just want everything to stop so I can sit and think where to start making myself well again. I'm worried I am in the wrong relationship and question if I love him. But I've given any independence up and so feel trapped. I've signed up here so I can feel it isn't just me who is struggling.

[Suzie40]

Well firstly, and very importantly, you've just bagged yourself a whole load of friends by singing up and making your first post. There are some lovely people on this forum who will be really glad to get to know you.

I understand what it's like to feel alone. I don't have many friends. That's not to say that people don't like me, I'm sure I have qualities that are likable. It's just that having depression for such a long time has drawn me into my own little world. Colleagues and friends got bored of me cancelling plans all the time, and eventually stopped inviting me.

It must be very difficult not being able to reach out to your partner when you need to. How much does he know about your depression? I have a friend who gave up her job to work for her husband and she says it has both advantages and disadvantages. She obviously doesn't have to grovel to her boss when she needs time off with the children, but on the other hand she says she misses getting to know new faces and having a life away from her family.

You haven't mentioned what support you've had from your GP or other agencies. Are you getting regular medication reviews and accessing any counselling etc that's available?

You will definitely discover that you're not the only one struggling with depression and I hope you stick around long enough to get to know us all.

See you later,

Lucy xx

[Ergu122 in reply to Suzie40]

Hi Lucy, thanks so much for the reply. My partner knows I am badly depressed but he can't understand why or deal with the episodes. I've shut him out as we just can't communicate anymore. He is very reserved emotionally as a person and this is just too much emotion for him to deal with. I direct my anger at him for being emotionless and I'm angry he just carries on with his life. I feel guilty for taking any of his time as he has a company to run and for not wanting to support him at work anymore but I am plagued with insecurity about seeing him with female colleagues and that I am just not good enough for him as a partner or employee. I'm not on any medication. I visited my GP earlier this year and he referred me for CBT which I did attend but regrettably did not find helpful. I really hope that communicating in this group will help me xx

[Suzie40 in reply to Ergu122]

That sounds really difficult. One of the reasons I split up with my children's dad is that I had post natal depression and we just didn't understand each other. He thought that the reaosn I couldn't leave the house and couldn't do any housework was because I was being lazy, while I thought the reason he wanted to go to the pub and see his friends was because he hated me and was seeing another woman. None of it true but it drove us apart. It's so important that people in a relationship have an understanding of how and why each other feel as they do. Communication is the key.

There are so many different types of talking therapy you can access. CBT is just one of them. And just because it wasn't successful this time, dont rule it out forever. I've had two two lots of counselling and one of CBT. The counselling wasn't what I needed. Dragging up things that had happend 4 million years ago was just making me spiral even further, although I appreciate that lots of people need to be able to make sense of their past in order to understand their now. CBT has been much more effective for me, although it took loads of sessions before I started to notice a difference. Fortunately I access it through a charity, so I'm not limited to the NHS standard six sessions, and I don't have to pay for it either.

Have you considered medication at all? I know that lots of people don't want to go down that route, and that's ther decision to be respected, but for me it was pretty essential. There are so many different types of medication you can try, both prescribed and natural remedies, that might really help you to feel better.

For me, my road to recovery (I'm still on it!) has been a combination of medication, talking therapies and forums like this where I know that when people say that they understand, they actually do!

Lucy x

[Photogeek]

Hi There Ergu and firstly your very welcome here. Lucy has said lots of things

Which are very true and helpful.

The trouble with Depression is that we do feel alone, we withdraw and brood

On things that wouldn't come into our head if we weren't Depressed

Second relationships can be hard as there is the pressure to make it work. Your

Partner sounds like a good guy, and it is hard for others to understand Depression.

You have taken the first step by joining here. Everyone is different so different

Apprroaches to Depression may help you.

There is lots you can do to help yourself.

Start small.

Eat well and excercise too, maybe join a fitness class and just accept the way

That you are feeling

If you are not happy with your Dr. Ask to to be referred to another GP and

Really stress the impact Depression is having on your life. Maybe you

Need Medication or talking therapy. But you have to make a change.

This Forum is great too for TLC and support. What has worked for me is

Medication plus talking my stuff through with a therapist. Everyone needs

At least one supportive friend, yiu sound very alone and isolated and that

Is fodder for Depression. You will need to make a lot of changes but it's

Certainly possible to do that. And you will notice that changing just one

Thing in your life will have a good effect on other parts of your life

Hannah x

[21esme]

Hi,

You certainly aren't alone now you have joined the forum. Lucy and Hannah are smart ladies and have expressed very well ways to try and help yourself. As Hannah says start small, don't make any big decisions about your partner or your life. It is very common for partners to struggle to support us especially when we don't know how we feel or how to feel better. Some of us are emotionally more shut down, it is how we are brought up or how we cope. Have you told your partner about your insecurities? I would guess he wants to be supportive and for you to be happy. You've been together for 7 years. My other half loves his work too and he is self employed, I know what it feels like to feel like you come second. X

Go have a chat with your GP. CBT isn't the best way if you have some deepseated issues from childhood which have led to low self esteem etc. Talk about medication or other counselling. It may be for you or it may not but try it. You do deserve to feel better.

As Hannah says eat well and take some exercise. I walk my dog but am making a New Years resolution to take some formal classes like Zumba. I've lost some friends this year by being withdrawn or people just not understanding. It is hard but I have to rebuild that social network. I've also struggled with work this year and have been signed off for around 10months but have just started on a phased return.

Small steps Ergu and as Hannah says one change does impact on other parts of your life,

Sarah x

[Hidden]

Hello Ergu

Welcome to this site, many have gone through the mill and have been and taken talking seasons over the period of their illness, yes it is an illness and you need proactive support and understanding relating to it.

Fist you need to see your GP and get an assessment with a CPN for a period of discussing where your problems are coming from. Generally the CPN will ask you to take medications while talking to you and suggesting ways forward. Remember they cannot tell you to do something, all they will generally do is talk through your problems and guide you down the best ways forward, this should facilitate a greater understanding of what is going on in your Life.

Sad to say the way to your recovery is to know what your problems are and ways to file away your negativity and start a new way to proceed with your life.

In some areas there are Mental Charities who run Day Centres, these are great ideas as they can extend periods of support, something like this site. I was a Voluntary Worker in one and it did a good job when the NHS needed to stop or change your Treatment Plans. Also being with people who suffer like you is a fantastic way forward.

Generally it is a good idea to talk to your second husband, cook a special meal for just the two of you and discuss how you feel and the way forward,although do not make decisions that will change your life greatly. at that initial time

Do little bits of change first taking nibbles of things that need changing, then leaving that alone while again you look at something else, Take the small problems first, they will be sorted sooner rather than later and sorting the lesser first will give you encouragement to proceed to the larger more complicated problems.

You say you are forty two years old with two children from a previous marriage. When we get at this stage we begin to wonder how we are going to carry on through this period of time as age makes us all wonder for our own future.

Somehow I wonder, working in the Office with the boss who takes you home me must be a bit taxing when He is having to deal with other people and acting as your boss. Again you need to consider your way forward, although many relationships do work well in this sort of situation.

Personally I had to learn not to be impulsive and keep my own council. Initially know yourself

All the best

BOB

[Ergu122]

Thank you Hannah and Sarah. After reading these, I realise I have to start making changes and I have booked a GP appointment for early in the New Year. This is something I have put off as I am afraid of medication but I may have to overcome this, I want to get better. I really have withdrawn, I sleep in a separate bedroom to my partner and spend a fair bit of evening time in there as well on the pretext that I just need peace and quiet and then he can chill out from his demanding day by watching rubbish on TV which is his way of switching off and relaxing. I've got worse and worse and if the phone or doorbell rings, it really makes me anxious. I do have a dog and like Sarah feel better after walking her but recently have become afraid when I am over the fields or along the canal path. I have a feeling something bad will happen like I will be attacked by someone if I go too far away from houses. Your advice to eat well is certainly one I will try. Often I'm not hungry or am lazy and can't be bothered. As with so many people, I do have deep rooted, childhood insecurities. My mother left the family for another man when I was 11 and I along with my brother and sister was left with our Dad and she went off to have two more children. I then became my sibling's main carer as my Dad had a breakdown and just didn't know how to look after children, cook and iron etc; so I learnt and was a fully fledged housewife at age 12. I then jumped at the first boy who liked me, was pregnant at 17 and 20 and life just passed me by until the marriage broke down which was my fault. I had an affair with the next door neighbour. My mother and father reconciled and remarried and my Dad didn't need me anymore plus he had two new much younger children to look after. My mother is self-centred, judgemental, critical of me and so I cut them all out of my life. My brother and sister accepted all of this childhood stuff and dealt with it and were unaffected by it. I don't know why I was affected but I know I was. After my divorce, I drifted, had one night stands and really didn't care about myself or how others used me. My ex husband came out of it all well but behind the scenes, punished me unmercifully for years. In the eyes of everyone including my own family, I was the bad guy. I walked away from any financial settlement, took a new job and fought my way into buying a house for me and my children, taking on debt to finance a lifestyle I couldn't afford but had to give to them through guilt. My relationship with my children is the only healthy thing I have and they are good and successful young people. Now they have their own lives and I'm worn out and exhausted and don't know who I am, where I'm going or what I want. Thank you for making me write this down although sorry for going on a bit... I've never offloaded like that before, think I got a bit carried away!

[Photogeek in reply to Ergu122]

Hi Ergu

I'm glad it's helped you to share your story. Everyone on this Forum is

In the same boat, so stick around and we can hopefully give you

A bit of help.

This Forum has been great for me, I'm not great at talking about myself,

But I feel really close to everyone here.

A big shout out to Lucy. Sue, Sarah, Gemma and Bev . Bob and David and James . In case I have left anyone out I mean you too, I'm grateful

For each and all of you.

Hannah x

[21esme in reply to Ergu122]

Good on you for articulating how you feel don't apologise. I can see issues of abandonment, rejection, low self esteem, taking on responsibility for others, inadequate boundaries etc.

You really aren't alone, I'd functioned okay until I hit 42/43 and then it all imploded this year. I have a similar mother and haven't spoken to her this year. I love her but can't stand the manipulation. I also chose not to take medication but I would never say never and there have been times where I have thought I need something to get through it.

You are withdrawing, I would sit in my bedroom with my other half downstairs just wanting to isolate myself.

Also it sounds like you have raised anxiety, the fear of what could happen when out with the dog. Anxiety is really common with depression. I got to the stage where I couldn't even get to sainsbury's this year.

What I'm trying to say is that others are on the same journey and everything you have described is something others have felt or thought. You aren't alone.

You have done the best you can and have two wonderful children. It is excellent news that you have made the GP appointment.

Sarah x

[Ergu122]

Thank you Bob. I would like to know myself and perhaps instead of ruminating, I can try and find out who I am. I think because I'm insecure currently, I don't have an opinion on anything. Just don't want to stand out I suppose. Really appreciate your reply.

[amanda_123]

Hi Ergu,

I'm new to this site too. Just wanted to say Happy New Year to you. You've already made a huge leap forward by joining this group and talking so honestly about yourself. I'm training to be a counsellor after years of anxiety and depression and appreciate how you feel and how your life became the way it did. Good luck to you.