becoming stable

Hello all.

I have had depression and anxiety since probably always. Tried various treatments and medications and ups and downs, mostly downs. I am also technically an alcoholic although I hardly drink at all now once a week or if I feel happy. Weird that when I feel excited or happy that I would choose to drink as it's almost an alien feeling. I have not posted much on this site since joining, apart from once, but do get solice in other posts as we all have more or less the same condition or branch of mental health issues. The more I analyse my mental health the more I see it in others. I feel quite good that I recognise my own depression and it's not uncommon. I find Buddhist philosophy helps with my grasping on to harmful thoughts and realising that no point in punishing myself for the past mistakes as everything changes and nothing is permanent. Is that good or bad? I don't know. I have not worked for neary 2 years after jacking in my job at an insurance company and leaving my partner and kids due to depression and drink and unable to cope. I tried to stick it out in England on my own and finally gave up and came back to Scotland. I feel guilty as I don't see my kids every weekend and being out of work means I am only managing one weekend in four. I don't think they miss me too much at 3 and 5 but the guilt is there all the same and also feel bad for not working. I studied IT and got my Comptia a +, the first ever qual in my life but no employer is really that interested so I am now studying server adminisistraton in the hope I can get a it support job, but its hard going. I am also having cbt from local gp surgery and trying to implement it, but could be done with more guidance. Also taking a wee dose of sertraline. Have tried others but did not really work, just makes you feel worse for ages then numb. I guess I just want a job, a break, but I am scared of that. Also scared of happiness. Any happiness and I feel panicy like something bad will happen. i'd happily take diazepam every day, just a tiny amount but that is a no no. Pity helps me a lot. It's strange being back home after 12 years and the circumstances in which I left home were non too pleasant, the death of a best friend due to herion miss use. But I am lucky, I am still alive, have kids, a new partner who also suffers mental health. And my parents no longer live in the town were I was known for all the wrong reasons. My dad is having radiotherapy for prostate cancer so hopefully he will bounce back as it is not like him to be tired, he is very up and at them!

It was my parent 41st anniversary yesterday so we had a quite day. Dad is not talking to my sister after discovering she had more debt problems. I think its more that she did not confide in him than the actual situation itself if that makes sense.

I will post again soon, and try to offer support when I can.

Brighter days ahead :)

6 Replies

  • Hi depression has left me with no self esteem too but i was on right track for a while its just a case of adjusting medication making sure the support levels are there for the bad times.Someone once told e once not to look for the cause of your depression as you will never know why and i belive this to be true i too have a child so have to fight with myself o constant daily basis and without my brilliant GP id never be able to do

  • That's it. Just got to keep fighting it. Manage it, and sort of tell it off, in a way. Like when your in a negative frame of mind, just say hey depression shut up! Thanks bury527

  • Accept it as part of your life and who you are good or bad its there most people have some degree of mental health problems its just that it comes out more in some people and try and let people know when your feeling down.Im always here if you want a chat

  • Thanks. Same goes for you. I am not always around but will reply when I can , as promptly as I can.

  • I, too, find that the more I begin to understand my own mental health, the easier it is to recognise traits in other people. My sister wreaks of depression, but is in toyal denial and will swear blind that she's not. I just smile :)

  • It's tough. some people don't know they have it, is that good or bad? :)