Self descruction pt 2

I am so angry with myself. Why do I have no self control? Why cant I damn remember half the stuff I do when I'm like this? why do I have to mess EVERYTHING good I have up through these idiotic choices I impulsively make?!!! Absolutely fuming at myself.

Should I put my relationship on hold? I adore my partner but I cant hurt him this way. I hate myself so much. I actually cant look at myself in the mirror. I've gone back to cutting myself. Another thing to let myself down on. Why am I doing this?

I don't see a way out of this mangled mess. I feel my life is gunner be like this until I die. I cant cope with that.

Would it be okay if I pack my bags and leave for a few weeks? Leave a note explaining everything to my partner. I'm such a bad, horrible person. I'm not only ruining my own life but other peoples and I don't want that. I don't want to hurt anyone, it's not what I intended.

Please, can I disappear off the grid for a while?


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24 Replies

  • It sounds to me like you should end the relationship because it's impossible to hold up your end of it if you don't love yourself. That doesn't mean end it forever though, but just until you've got a handle on your condition. Have you been to counselling or a doctor? If not then maybe those will help and please don't be too hard on yourself. I hope you'll feel better :)

  • ThatLawren,

    I don't know you, but I can definitely tell you are hurting. Your behaviors sound very much like an addiction. People can be addicted to many different things. When you talk about a loss of self-control, the inability to stop the behavior, and the immense guilt you feel to the point of self harm. These are all signs of addiction. And, addiction is a disease/illness. So, as an addict myself, the first thing I would suggest is to try to separate yourself from your addictive behavior. You are not doing these things to be cruel and manipulative. You don't know why you are doing these things. This doesn't make you rubbish and definitely not a bad person. This makes you a person with a serious illness who needs medical care. By admitting that you have no control over what you are doing, and reaching out to others for help, is a very good step in the right direction. Instead of disappearing- maybe you can try calling the mental health hotline in your area? I am rooting for you. Hang in there. Your behavior and addiction does not define who you are. But, your desire to get help says a lot of about your courage and strength to get better.

  • I can only echo what Kimbergan said. It sounds like excellent advice. You have a lot of stress and things conspiring for you at the moment.

    I would not advise running away as that too is very hurtful to other people and to you.

    Maybe the combined worries of the work stress, the relationship stress ( I am a bit confused as you said the relationship was finished in a previous post and you were back living at your dads); all these stresses feel like you just need to slow down a bit in your life, get some proper sick leave and proper input from mental health team.

    These difficulties will not go away by running away but slowing down and reducing stress levels will help you. If you plan to finish or have a break from your boyfriend then do it properly and say to him why ie that you need to concentrate on all your issues. I do feel that trying to have a relationship is too difficult for you at the moment whilst you have all these mental health issues going on . That doesn't mean that you can't come back to it have a wonderful relationship in the future but first you need to work on yourself.

  • An addiction to what though? :(

  • Yes, good point. It sounds to me like you have impulsive and wreckless behaviours which you feel unable to control. As Cough pointed out you need to first go and discuss this properly . I remember you saying you heard voices too. All of this needs to be properly discussed and treatment plan arranged. It's difficult for us on here beyond a certain point as we can only guess what it could be. Yes it could be bipolar, schizophrenia, borderline personality disorder or you could be just a young person going through a bad phase or with a hormonal imbalance. This is why you need to get a proper assessment. Be as honest as you possibly can. You've been very honest on here. Please give it time as well. You seem to be trying to rush back to work, rush in and out of your relationships.

    First, STOP, PAUSE . Please get an appropriate diagnosis. It will help you understand what is happening and what to do.

  • It sounds to me like your addicted to cutting, but I could be wrong though. When you cut yourself your brain sends out hormones that allow you to feel pleasure therefore pain can feel good which is likely why you might be tempted to keep cutting yourself. I'm not saying this is happening to you though. Also please don't run away because your problems will only follow you. Trust me.

  • This is also a Borderline personality disorder characteristic. I am. xxx

  • That's good advice.

  • Hey hold on, before you do anything you need to take the advice given to you in your previous posts. You have to tell your counsellor what you have told us and see if you are bipolar. If you found you were would you still hate yourself so much? Or would you understand it is an illness over which you have little control?

    Whichever way it goes you need treatment and help. With the right meds and/or counselling you will be able to see a way forward. All we can do here is offer our opinions but we can't do it for you.

    You can keep coming in here until D Day still feeling the same and posting exactly the same posts. You need to get a medical professional opinion and start taking control of your life.

    Print off your previous posts if you like to avoid having to talk about it. But you need to do it and soon. Ok? x

  • I am going to. I just need to wait until tomorrow when my therapists in and speak to her about it. I just feel like a let down right now and I just want to sleep which is a bonus but also bad. Ill speak to her tomorrow and let her know x

  • Good well done. Get the earliest appointment you can and make sure you tell her everything that happens. She can't help you unless you do. You could say a couple of friends have mentioned bi polar.... x


    Have a look at this x

  • Honey is your therapist part of the mental health team?

  • yeah she is

  • So she should know the possible causes for your actions and feelings. Have you got any medical diagnosis?

  • Honey you are being so hard on yourself and i can totally understand it. Have you been to the dr about your symptoms? Because i know there is an answer to your actions, thoughts and feelings. I'm rushing to work but when i get home will explain more. For now know you are not alone with your suffering and things will get better. I promise! Speak later.

  • Thank you. I haven't told her properly, I am going to tomorrow though because I need to. I'm sick of this happening. I get myself in some pretty bad situations and ruin a lot of things. Whether it is addiction or something else, I just want answers.

  • ThatLawren not having read through your history I don't know if this has been suggested before but have you ever been tested for vitamin or mineral deficiency? I have come across cases where people stopped self-harming once their vitamin b12 levels were raised. Do an internet search on 'vitamin b12 and self-abuse'. It is also a known treatment for neurological problems so may help with other issues you have.

    Vitamin b12 is one of those, being water soluble, that you cannot overdose on. Though the body does store some in the liver any excess is flushed out in the urine. Because people vary, even 'normal' levels may not address your body's requirement. You would need to take the bioactive form. Alternatively you could add live kefir to your diet. Though that only adds about 14% of RDA it does address other gut issues. It might surprise you to learn just how many health issues (both mental as well as physical) have their root in the gut.

    Whether or not any actual deficiency might be an issue, you should probably look at your diet to see how healthy it is. In general dietary guidelines are not truly healthy plus most people don't consume the parts that are whilst over-eating on convenience foods. With processing and modern farming methods leaving food deficient in many of the nutrients you might expect to be getting they add all sorts of allergenic bi-products that you wouldn't so you probably need to 'go organic' for a while at the very least. Gluten is something else, amongst many, that can trigger neurological issues. If diet is likely to be your issue (and it was mine) you might want to look at going the 'whole hog' and doing a proper elimination diet

    As far as your partner goes, running off will not solve anything, we carry our problems with us. You would be better getting your feelings out in the open. If you don't feel up to an open a discussion on the subject then write everything down in a letter that you can leave to be read in private. If you do love your partner don't forget to mention that.

    Good luck :)

  • Hi hun,

    I haven't had time to go through your previous post, I would like you to look up the symptoms of BPD. I was diagnosed last year, they called it Underdeveloped Emotions.. The therapy i am getting (MBT> Metallisation Behavioural amazing, it has been helping me understand myself, my actions and how better to deal with things, anxiety, depression, etc can be a byproduct of this disorder. I have ADHD, look this up to...The point is there is help out there and life can become so much more tolerable and even enjoyable.

    Speak to your nurse tomorrow.

    Good luck, Love


  • Hello Schanaz, sorry for hijacking the post a bit; but thank you for bringing up mentalisation therapy. I have never heard of it but have just looked it up and it sounds really good. I wish that something like that was available in my area. What has been recommended for myself is compassion focussed therapy but I can see the mentalisation therapy would be a good one for me. Going to research it some more now and may even put up a post about it as it seems little known.

    This is the beauty of forums, and what they are designed for by the way; support and information sharing, so thanks once again. :)

    (Been told by someone that putting kisses on the end of my messages is in some way "threatening" so I am now reverting to smilies !) :) (yes there's another one!)

  • I used to find it quite therapeutic just to go somewhere alone for a few days. Obviously tell people around you. Just to do things like sit and watch the waves for a an hour or so. Breathe fresh sea air. It isn't always a bad thing to get a break. Sometimes with mental health problems the way others react to our illness can make things worse and the fact you have identified that is good. However often the reality hits that nomatter where you go, you cannot escape your mind so you do have to return and sort things but its the knowing where to start I know. You are taking steps in the dark at the moment but believe me you are doing the right thing and are headed in the right direction, that is the only way things will improve and you want that obviously. I used to self harm and i know this sounds totally cheesy but it worked slowly but surely, its something a counsellor taught me. When you look at yourself in the mirror. Imagine the words I like myself and think of something positive, maybe a kind thing you have done for someone that day. It can often be a case of re training all those negative thoughts about yourself that come instantly. It wont happen overnight but it will help a bit. When you self harm, or go to self harm imagine that is a step backwards in your recovery and ask yourself is there any way you can get that feeling out without hurting yourself? Music was my escape a lot. Angry and sensitive music. Also do not rely on mental health services to make you completely better.GPs are there to give you pills and refer you to mental health , counselling also. I was stuck in a cycle of going round in circles with my local mental health team, use the services that you find helpful but don't feel like a failure if you don't click with a counsellor or someone within the mental health team is not helpful. That is them, not you. You have to find the inner strength to recover yourself from within and in the end it will all come together believe me. It may take years but it will. Keep at it and be proud of yourself that you are reaching out. You may feel completely alone and isolated even in a room full of people but believe me you are not.

  • I felt like this last year. I couldn't control my anger at myself and my husband was getting the brunt of it. I finally got the help I needed and with the help of my family, friends, doctor and a psychologist I have been able to get past the anger and hurt and the need to hurt myself.

    I still have a small scar on my right hand which reminds me that I don't want to go back there.

    You need to let your partner know how you are feeling. Maybe you should write down your thoughts and worries. Doesn't always work as I found out, but at least you will know where you stand.

    Also remember it takes 2 to make a relationship work and a good relationship should be where you both help each other out when things are not going well.

    Sometimes taking a break away can help, to help you gather your thoughts. However, you will need to return and fix out your problems.

    You can get through this. If you find the right person to help you they should be able to help you find out why you think everything is your fault and you'll be amazed at how it's not. Some of us seem to go into self-destruct when things go wrong, I was shocked when this happened to me, but you can get better and feel better about yourself.

    Take care and I hope you can find someone to help you. X

  • You need to see a doctor and find out why your emotions are causing this

  • i think you have to find out the things that make you loose your self control. are you not getting your own way and getting angry. also cutting and hurtning yourself can be caused by guilt so you may be punishing yourself.dissapearing is the easy way out. staying and findout out why your loosing control and starting to think before you react is what you need to do and pay attention to the times that you loose control keep a note of what happened before the upset and then you can study yourself and find out why your doing this. it may be learned behaviour from your childhood. its a way of controling people by frightening them and that will certainly make a peson feel guilty and want to punish themself. those are just ideas to think about and not accusations. as many angry people feel critiszied and accused or being contrdicted in any way at all. i hope that you find some peace within yourself and start to work on yourself. wishing you all the very best. love grace oxoxoxo

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