The only person keeping me here is my Dad, I'm only here to keep my dad happy and at peace knowing his kids are alive. As I know if I were to leave before him he'd be ripped apart. As soon as he's gone I will move on. I'm not depressed or wanting to kill myself. I just have no faith in humanity and I don't agree with how we all live. We work our entire lives and for what? Why do we work so much. Sure it's something we all do to support our family's and to buy the material things we want or to "help build society". I don't like the society we live in. I won't point out the things wrong with this world because we all know the problems. I'm not happy with the person I am and I'm really not scared to die.. I'm very interested to know what happens after death :). I don't see this as a bad thing feeling this way. We all die at some point in life I just wanna go after my dad so he doesn't experience the pain of losing his son :). I want to pass away by drowning in Australian waters at my own hand Its not a sad thought as if I hate my life and I wanna move on. I'm blessed in many many ways I'm just not interested in this life. I said i wouldn't point out the things wrong in society but I will give my opinion on a couple things wrong in this world.
War - there will always be human vs human killing each other destroying our planet and the family's affected. Why?
Society - I think it's wrong how everything about you either makes you above or below others. From looks to earnings or to the nationality we come from. It's wrong, I never see it being fixed.
Equality - In my eyes no one is really "equal" around the world. We have so many rich and poor places. We have ads advertised to support kids that cant even drink healthy clean water but I bet 90% of people in this world don't donate.
I don't donate.. but the way I'm going on about this I should be but no I'm "selfish" just like everyone eles in my opinion.
Imagine a world where everyone was equal and truly happy. That's where I wanna be. That's what I hope I will find after my fathers passing.
You could probably do with some help no doubt,having suicidal thought's should set alarm bells ringing(i feel like a hypocrite even replying) but still yeah suicidal thought's is never a good thing obviously.
The ideal world can never be,as crude,cruel,and messed up as it seems,without death would people really apperciate life? it's easy to say yes,when people you love so much pass on.
But was the world really created to withstand a never ending cycle of "Human/animal" life that continues through the ages,i don't think so,everything dies,and one day the world will die as well.
My philosophy has always been "You Live Life,You Give Life,And Then You Die"
But what define's you as an individual is what you do throughout that cycle,yes the world is full of hate,full of pain,and down right makes you hate humanity at times. And honestly i feel i have more affection for animal's then i do people.
Yet that does not mean i turn my back on them,if someone need's help then i will help,why? because it's just who i am.
I know what it's like to feel like your living your life for someone else,my father has had MS for 8 years or so ,and i have had to deal with cleaning his blood to cleaning his crap,to having him have a pop(argue) at me or my mother because he suffers from depression as well as an illness that's pretty much stopped him living a free life so to speak(stuck in a wheel chair,trouble moving period)
In my 28 years of living, i have seen a lot of of family members die,be it from suicide,cancer or heart attacks,2 weeks ago my uncle walked out to his car and dropped dead,just like that.
Death suck's no doubt,but it's something we all have to contend with one day,i agree with you about not fearing death,it's what's after that i fear,because if there is a god,and the next step is to answer for all the thing's i have done in life,well god help me.
Say there is a heaven,and when your father passes on(not for a long time i hope) and you decide to pull the plug on your own life by drowning your self,then you meet your dad in the next life,how would you respond to his questioning of you taking your own life,a life that he created,a life that he put so much effort,blood,sweat and tears into creating,help moulding you in that man you are today.
You will feel the pain of his passing no doubt,but what about the pain he would feel if you were to pass, through taking your own life,loved one's pass on,but does that mean their love for you stops as well?
The memories,what you feel when your laughing,smiling,crying,to me that's love,love will out last are body's,but never are souls(if they are there).
I fear the day my parent's die,because i live my life for them,i do as much as i can for them,but when they go,i won't pull the plug on my life,i think about it a lot,and it hurt's a lot,but despite all the low's my big F-U to life is to keep going.
The physical scar's i have on my arm,are way less painful then the mental one's that i have burid into my nogging over the years.
So my advice,seek help,don't give up,take what life throw's at you,get up,dust your self off,give life the middle finger,and keep walking whatever path destiny throw's at you,and one day,you will find the peace that you seek,be it many many many many many years from now.
The biggest obstacle in your life that you will ever face is your own being.
Thankyou for the long response. I'm going through similar things (I think) looking after my dad day in and out. Making sure he's okay as everyone (family included) has deserted him. Because of myself being the person I am and loving my dad I've given up my opportunitys in life and have alinated myself from everything and everyone to keep my dad comfortable.
I'm confused to why I feel so okay with that fact that I can move on to the next life because i wouldn't call myself depressed.
My father and I have talked about the day he passes many times and I've accepted it. I'm not sad talking about it with him, it will happen at some point. I'm only young but I don't wanna be treated as a young person over thinking my dads passing with the hormones going through me. I understand clearly what's been happening to him, I've done the charity work I've gone without social applications for a lot longer then any 20 year old would. I've lived with my dad in a (black spot) no reception, no internet, just me and him next to the beach. (Blessed)
I'm a strong person I stray from the crowd trying to be unique not caring for my imige in society but I only see the bad in the world. If I walk down the street I see 90% of people unhappy with they're lives because of what the world has moulder it's self into and I just never see that's perception of life changing.
I don't wanna blabber on but Thankyou for the long response I related to a few key points
Straying from the crowd is never a bad thing in my own opinion,if everyone acted the same then we would be in a world full of zombies.
Honestly pal i have been where you are at,i spent the best part of 10 years eating my self to look like jabba the hutt because everytime i looked in the mirror i hated who i was,I wanted to die badly,but i never took the final lunge(and i never seeked help)
And looking after your dad is difficult,i live with my parent's, neither have them are 100% and basically i have to run around for them when they got the drs',dentist,etc,etc do all the manual house work etc and it can take a toll mentally.
But end of the day pal,you have to start figuring out how to live for your self as well,i eventually got out of my 10 year cycle of just hiding away in my room playing computer games stuffing my face and just looking after my parents.
One day it just clicked i started to diet,started working out,lost a ton of weight,got a job,but it does not mean that my mind changed completely.
I still get suicidal thought's,i cut my self ,and i hate humanity to some extent because of how screwed the world is,but despite all that i just keep going.
And you just have to do the same man,when your dad passes(many years from now) instead of taking your life,what about dedicating your life to charity work,or something along those lines.
You may not think your charity work changes the world,but your actions will change that world of one person,that you help.
So in a sense by helping one person(helping their world) then your helping the entire world(of that person)
Life is never going to be easy,but just see it as a test,there will always be up's,down's and sideway's,i think you need to find a way to escape "mentally" be it through a hobbie,charity etc etc.
It certainly sounds like you do need help to think this through as your plan obviously goes against what your father wants for you, but ask him if you dare.
It sounds like you might do well in a different society eg a Vipassana centre dhamma.org/en/about/vipassana. These are Buddhist type meditation centres (but not religious) usually located in remote places throughout the world, including uk and western countries staffed by volunteers of all sorts. No money involved, no tv or radio or much contact with the world outside.
First you have to go on one of their 10 day silent retreats.
.?this may be a way of living life in a society that you would like? A life with vegan food and monastic simplicity. You may discover a nicer person within, but can you live in a life without the media and doing enough physical work to enable the place to function?
My Dear McCauley, Let me clobber you in a nice way. I am not a Doctor, I'm a reasonably intelligent person who sees a very depressed man in denial. The death of a parent is a huge event and knowing about it before hand is even more stressful. You need to be here for him now and fall apart after, but then you need to live on in his honor. You could start with grief counseling, it can be very helpful. I was so distraught over my younger brother's death from cancer that I became physically ill and ended up with a major depression, and here I am. General therapy is good and so are anti depressants. See your GP.
As to the state of the world, why are we here, what happens next? I don't know, but I try to live my life with purpose, learn something from each experience, and take pleasure in the day to day. I assume that everyone is in some kind of pain , it doesn't always show. Kindness is free, you have an unending supply. Spread it around and start with yourself.
Life is not fair and it probably never will be. All you have control over is yourself and the way you live your life. Educate yourself by reading how other people did it. It can be very inspiring . I have to admit to you that I donate. I don't have a lot of money , but I will go without if I see a need. I like to give directly, but anonymously. I'm not looking for gratitude , but I enjoy seeing the relief on someone's face.
If you find us helpful, or just need to vent, someone is always here.
Pam
Hi
I can tell you're very low!
I've been there and it's not a good place to be! I've thought all the same things you've just said and more.
The world is a cruel place to be and again there's a lot of good in it too. You don't say how old you are or if you've got a partner or not?
You obviously have family, would this not be adding to their sadness and cause them more pain especially if your farthers going to pass.
If you're so unhappy about the world etc have you thought of joining a charity and going abroad and helping build schools for children or something? It might change you mind on how you feel. I have a friend who went to build schools and the children were so happy. You know not everyone needs possessions to be happy, the simple things in life are free and can make you happy. Doing something like that might change your out look on life?
Life has been harder in the past with more war death and famine.
Don't give up on life as there's so much you could do and one person can change many people's lives for the better.
If you give up now how would your dad feel?
If you're young and never been in love, think of what you're going to miss out on.
I can see that others have given you good advise and suggestions. Please take it from someone who's been where you are life can get better and we'll never heal the world, but you could make a difference!
Ok then McCauley, you've had lots of comments and advice, so what do you think?
Hi McCauley how do you know God didn't give you your life for a reason? We all know what an awful world this can be but we can't do much about that. What we can do though is make our little corner of it a better place to be and you can't do that if you are dead can you?
I think you are depressed and I wonder if you have seen a doctor and sought help? You mustn't give up before trying everything you know. You owe it to yourself and your loved ones to try everything first before considering the final step.
Did you know the biggest cause of death in the Western world in men aged 25-40 is suicide? That's because men in particular are less likely seek help than a woman because of the feeling of being thought weak and shameful. It would be a shame to chuck your life away before you seek help.
Don't forget that the world is also full of great human beings and this is the positive side of it. Concentrate on the positive not the negative. x
Mccauley, if you're not depressed then why are you here asking a question?
To me, you sound like you've been thinking about this for quite some time. You've adapted to a life of looking after your dad. You've done this for so long that your thinking has adapted as well in terms of when he dies ... so do you. That's why you're not bothered by that aspect of things. You've grown used to the idea and what's worse, you've accepted it.
You say that the state of the world bothers you. I believe you. Many feel like that. I do too. But when your dad passes, your purpose for living will also be gone. You'll be a young man struggling to find new ways to define and/or find himself which is why you MUST start planning a future without your dad ASAP. BTW, if I may ask, what is your dad suffering from?
I would like for you to check out SANE, BEING, BeyondBlue, HeadSpace. I would also like for you to chat with someone from Lifeline. I am assuming that you're an Australian. I would also like for you to lie on the beach and think about what your perfect job would be ... and then go research entry requirements.
If there's things you don't like about our world, don't engage too much with it. Just DO what makes you happy ... and try to think too deeply about matters you cannot change.
McCauley, you have receive incredibly good advise without so much as a response...I'm hoping you are considering all that has been said. I agree with most and probably all, but have some other thoughts:
If all you have truly experienced as a 19 yr old is primarily your family, which by you're own admission, has turned their back on your father (and I suspect you also as they are not assisting you) and the illness you're father is suffering. Those are both rough experiences...but you are denying the good that is also happening. You have a close relationship with your father, something many people, for several reasons, do not have--is that a bad thing, no it's a fact and a positive you have on your side. You get to experience a beach and thereby a body of water...does it not hold a world of wonder and mystery that you aren't even slightly interested in?
You have been forced, due to your father's situation and the neglect of the rest of your family into the Job of a caregiver. It sounds to me like you are experiencing a common ailment of longterm caregivers...a narrowing of your intimate world such that you cannot fathom existance when it changes radically. Your main source of input from the outside is the media...which is wrought with a biased view of the world. Let's face it, someone helping someone else is not going to make the news like someone maiming or killing another. Perhaps, if you broaden your input from the outside world, you would discover there is more positive than you have been told about though the media.
If I had only had the media and my nutty family as the bases on which to value the rest of the world...I would no longer exist. However, despite a horribly unfair and brutal childhood, not said to help you have a bleak view but to see even from the depths of an awful existance, I would not dare succome to believing that was all there was to offer. Instead, I sought the good there was in this world. The cool thing--there is a tremendous amount of good. I'm still not thrilled by most of the humans that occupy the news but that is only part of the story.
Speak to your father's doctors...ask for a recommendation to a therapist that works with caregivers. Go see that therapist. Speak with your own doctor. Find a new role for yourself...and start to plan on how you are going to embark on a new and different life--then go for it!!!
You have much to experience but you need a little help getting started...the therapist and doctor will assist you.
Don't hesitate to check in and let us know how you are doing or get some more good advise. There are very knowledgeable and helpful people here that are very willing to assist you, a fellow confused citizen of planet earth.
yes there are plenty of bad things going off in the world but also plenty good things. Most people just want to live their life the best way they can. The world will never be perfect you will always have crime and terrorism but this is a minority. You only get one chance please don't throw it away. Get help
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Its not a sad thought as if I hate my life and I wanna move on. I'm blessed in many many ways I'm just not interested in this life. I said i wouldn't point out the things wrong in society but I will give my opinion on a couple things wrong in this world. 
I still wanna be with my ex boyfriend
No, Doctor, I'm not depressed, I'm unhappy!
Can't get over him
