Reaching my limit.

Basically I have never done this before but I am literally at my limit. And don't know what else to do

I have had severe anxiety since I was very ill on holiday about 8 years ago which put me in hospital. They still to this day have no idea what was wrong. But it was pretty bad as my organs where slowly shutting down. Since then any nauseous feeling spirals me into a state of panic followed by depression. I am constantly hyper vigilant and can't cope with being ill. This is not to say I can't deal with physical pain. I cope well with broken bones, cuts, bruising etc. But the minute I have a headache or feel like I'm going to vomit I break down.

For the past two years I feel like I have developed serve depression from this. I know my life is not as bad as some others. I'm fairly scientific and know exactly what is going on my body when I feel anxious or panicky. I know the exact bodily mechanisms that are happening to make me feel that way. But I still can't control what is going on in my head and it's so frustrating. I just feel pathetic at the moment and don't understand why I cant get it under control when I know what is making me feel that way. It's all in my own head and can't stop it.

I avoiding my friends and family as when I'm around them I feel too much pressure to 'be okay' this pressure of having to act normal makes me feel even more depressed and makes me panic in social situations. I remember having a bad panic attack in front of a close friend and was just told to get over it. Which really hurt me.

I just don't want to do anything at the moment. I have constant low moods and just feel shit constantly.

I just constantly feel nauseous and depressed

I'm starting a postgrad soon which is really stressing me out as I don't know if I can mentally cope with the work load. then there's the money side which is stressing me out as I'm worried about affording it. I'm also having some family problems, plus I'm having my own physiological health problems which prevent me from exercising which used to take the edge off. Plus I'm really struggling to get a job

I'm not saying I would do anything as I couldn't do that to my family and friends. but I have reached the point where I'm crossing the road thinking I wouldn't care if I got hit by a car.

I have tried cbt and while it helped the anxiety. But It doesn't improve my low moods. I have been recommend a few antidepressants but becasue of my hypervilence I struggle taking medication. I even over think taking paracetamol and can stress myself out to point of throwing it up.

I just wondered if anyone had any advice or medications that they have found had very few to no side effects.

Thanks to anyone that replies it's is vey much aprehicated.

[Hidden]

I'm also really struggling to sleep at the moment. Which definitely isn't helping my depression is definitely worse at night and I can't help but to think about all the things that bother me. I've been sleeping with the tv on in the background and music playing on my phone trying drown out my thoughts.

I find I can only sleep properly after of few nights of hardly sleeping. Probably because I'm exhausted.

[Satsuma in reply to Hidden]

I am tired out too and I survive on sporadic sleep. Have had to learn to accept that unfortunately. Took part in drug and alcohol habits and I freed myself from the constraints they give one as they used to knock me out.

[Satsuma in reply to Satsuma]

Like goldfish says you have to give whatever a go to see what works for you

[Satsuma]

All medications cause me personslly side effects. I detoxed off them and continue without. Not good when I have panic attacks and/or have a downer but I feel for me living without them on the whole is better

[Stilltrying_]

I think it would be worth you getting a proper diagnosis and trying some medication. I am on mirtazipine which Goldfish mentioned. Setraline is another one which is good for anxiety but really only a doctor or psychiatrist can prescribe this for you and monitor your mood to see how you feel. Lack of sleep can play havoc with your moods. I have had to go back on olanzapine and zopiclone as I was reaching a desperate crisis point trying to reduce these. I now accept though they are not good for your body I need them to keep me functioning reasonably well but I would not recommend "newbies" to try the latter two as zopiclone in particular they have found out can decrease your life expectancy by about 10 years. All the doctors are trying to get everyone off them but my life is chaotic without them and I only take one, so prepared to accept I may have 10 years life than my expected life span.

Don't rule out a physical cause for these problems as they are so recent and I think you need to get proper blood tests done to eliminate any possible physical health conditions.

Sorry would normally write more but have to rush out now as it's Gay Pride today in Birmingham and i'm marching.

Gemma X

[Hidden]

Thanks for the replies. I hardly got any sleep last night and I am just exhausted at the moment. I had to cancel more plans with friends this evening which has probably pissed then off. If I can I may go and see the emergency doctor today as the bank holiday and my doctors won't be open till Tuesday.

I do feel I should try medication even through I'm worried too because it's only getting worse.

Health wise I have had this for 8 years so a while it's only that for past few months. I have been completely unable to control it and it's really peaked.

[Hidden]

I haven't been able to eat properly At all either recently. And for the past 3 days have managed to eat a packet of crisps, some strawberries, a small bowl of oven chips and a fruit smoothie. Which definitely isn't enough over 3 days.

I just keep throwing up out of severve anxiety and panic.

[bluebird7670]

I'm not trivializing when I say this but I'm trying chocolate to take the edge off. I'm also trying to calm myself by saying people generally don't care but you can care for yourself. also with active minds it's important to stop ruminating and over thinking i think.