Failure and disappointment are my middle name

[Holly101]

The title says it all really.. I wish I could've made my family proud,especially my mum,since she is the one that gave me life,and I chose to f**k up what is so precious and what she gave me..

She's always been there for me,never turned her back on me,never really says wshe's disappointed in me,but she doesn't have to,I can feel it..

My brother has the c,ar,the house,a decent job,the 2.4 kids (well,3,and they're gorgeous) ,and i'm happy for him,but i'm ashamed to say I'm also jealous of him.

Why could I not have turned out 'normal',why do I have to be my mother's 'worry-child' as she calls it herself (eventhough I'm 37!)

I've looked after myself since I was 15,and moved to the other side of the world on my own when I was 18,but I still feel like I can't look after myself,which,I suppose I can't,I don't know how to live a normal life,know nothing about mortgages,can't drive,wouldn't know how to do a house up,I can just about manmage to keep one..

I feel like a little girl in a grown up world,scared,lonely,incapable,and I wish the day would come when it's all over and I ,and my family,can have peace,,

[Suzie40]

You remind me of my sister. On paper, she considers herself the weak link of the family. She is the only one without a job, qualifications, a drivers' liscence or a mortgage. Worse than you, though, she has five siblings to compare herself to.

I told my counsellor that I know instinctively when people are disappointed with me. He challenged that and asked me exactly how I knew that. I realised that I wasn't actually able to answer him. I am learning not to make assumptions of what others think of me. There's nothing to say you've let your Mum down, unless she's told you so. And even if she has, doesn't mean it's true.

The reason she hasn't turned her back on you is because she loves you and she loves the person that you are. If you're not happy with the way your life has turned out so far, make changes. But make them because you want to, not to impress someone else.

There's nothing to say your brother, with his car and beautiful children, is happy. Nothing at all. Sometimes the people with the biggest 'things' are the most miserable. I wonder what about you your brother admires? Have you ever asked him?

As I said, many could argue that I'm more successful than my sister. I've got a string of qualifications, a great job, two perfect children and I own my own house. She's got none of that, but she wakes up every morning with a smile on her face, and I don't. And that's something I'm jealous of. It's all relative.

I've not seen you posting here before, but I'm glad you have. Let people here help you to untangle what's going on for you. There are plenty of lovely people on this forum you can talk to x

[ThemysciraDrive]

Hi Holly,

I can relate to a lot of what you've said, especially feeling like a child in a grown-up world, I often feel like that, and I suspect most people do, at least from time to time. I wouldn't worry about not having a "normal" life - many people don't have the stereotypical car, house, kids package. I live virtually on my own, I've never had a mortgage, I also can't drive, and am totally useless at anything domestic, including DIY. It doesn't make us failures, it just means we have different lives and talents to others. And moving to the other side of the world is amazing! I went from Kent to York when I was 18, that was difficult enough, moving to another country at that age is truly fearless, and definitely means you can look after yourself.

I'm sure your mum isn't disappointed in you - if she's always there for you, it's because she loves you no matter what you do, and I'm sure she has no less respect for you than your brother. And she certainly wouldn't want you gone! Depression makes us all feel like people are disappointed in us and will be happier without us, but like you say, she's never turned her back on you, that says to me that she definitely cares very much about you, and that she probably is very proud of you. You haven't screwed up what she gave you at all.

[knowles8586]

I feel like you and wish I could feel happy and contented. My mum has always said she worries about me even though she gave me some really hard times.

I think with depression we imagine the worst thing will happen. Will people not like us,talk about us, not accept us

We worry obsessively, I do about money, health, family issues it goes on and on. I should be thin with all the worrying I do. I wish

Try and take one day at a time good luck janex

[Holly101]

Thank you all for your kind replies,but there's something I haven't mentioned,and i'm going to get judged for..

I've been struggling with drug-addiction since I was 15 years old,and I feel consumed with guilt that I keep putting my mum,and the rest of my family,but especially my mum,through this..

That's what I meant when I said she gave birth to a perfectly healthy beautiful baby,and all I gave her in return is worry,pain,sorrow etc..

I keep trying and trying to get clean ,the longest I've lasted is 11 months (6 of them was in rehab) and I feel like I just keep building up their hopes and then cruelly dashing them again.

I feel selfish,guilty,a complete failure and stuck,because I would love to just end it all,but I can't do that to my family.

Thanks again for all your kind words,and I'll keep trying,if I can't do it for myself,i'll do it for my family..

Another thing I've started doing again in the last year or so is selfharming,i started doing it when I was a teenager,then never really done it for years and years,just the odd time,but recently I've been doing it constantly,and I don't know why or what's triggered it..

I'm sorry for being 'on my pity-pot' and that this post has turned into one big moan,but where else can you get stuff like this off your chest

Wishing you all a good day,or as good as it gets,

Holly 101

[jillylin in reply to Holly101]

Gentle hugs. It took enormous courage to say what you did. I hope the same strength and courage you showed in admitting to the drug addiction will help you overcome it. Every journey begins with a single step....and you just took it.

Hugs

Jillyxx

[Hidden]

Hi Holly

You are struggling with a lot of difficulty and doing really well so have my admiration. It takes courage to say what you did and courage to try to beat drug addiction. Of course you feel like a little girl, your needs were not met when you were still needing care. You say you have looked after yourself since you were 15 but my guess is that you had to look after yourself long before that too. You seem riddled with guilt for not feeling good enough and compare yourself so negatively to your bother - I wonder when those feelings started, have you always felt like that? You were not born inadequate or in any way bad, if you are struggling with life it's because some of your needs have not been well met. We all struggle when that happens, I am still doing so and am 63! You have been able to begin to share your story and the more of it you share you more you will find you do have strengths and abilities. Once you find those you will begin to move forward in life. I'm wondering what kind of support you have around you now as it's difficult to beat addiction - do you have anyone who supports you in a way that you do find helpful or are you still looking after yourself emotionally and physically? Do keep sharing your problems now you are doing so, it will help you grow and begin to feel the self-respect you deserve.

Suexx

[Holly101 in reply to Hidden]

Thanks Jillylin and Secondhandrose,definately not the response I was expecting! Maybe coz of the way society responds to addiction and we always get labelled as 'grannyrobbing, lying ,thieving scumbags' ,none of which I've ever done (well,apart from the lying and I suppose a bit of thieving too lol,but never of my family or friends,I've tried to keep my values and morals as much as I possibly could..)

Yeah,I kiinda had to look after myself since I was about 8,because my parents couldn't stand eachother,but my my dad refused to give my mum a divorce.. so when I was 7 or 8,my mum went back to school,got an education,then a job,saved up enough money until she could buy my dad out and finally fling him out. For which I have great respect,my mum's a strong woman and hasn't had an easy life herself,so I don't blame her in the slightest for leaving me and my brother to our own devices when we were that young.

I've not always compared myself to my brother in that way,in fact,I was the one with 'the brains' because I did quite well in school (until I went off the rails..) so I've always felt as if there was a lot expected of me,and I couldn't live up to that.

I've never known what I've wanted to do in life,which resulted in me hanging about with 'the wrong crowd' (older guys who were into drugs etc),having the odd job in kitchens and factory's in weekends and after I've left school,done a bit of travelling,until the drugs got a hold of me again.

Where-as my brother has always had an interest in electrical stuff (he used to take telly's apart when he was only about 8 years old and put em back together!),so he's been able to make his hobby his job,he's now an engineer (installs ,maintains and fixes machines etc in big factory's).

Me and my brother used tobe really close when we were kids,we never fought or argued,he's the most laid back person I've ever met in my life,and he's not got a bad bone in his body,so ther's absolutely no resentment for what he's got,i couldn't be happier for him and that's all I want for him,to be happy,but at the same time it makes me feel even more inadequate an even more of a disappointment and a failure.. if that makes sense.

Sorry,I didn't mean to go on and on, I only wanted to thank yous for being so understanding and not

judging me,an ended up writing a book!

And I could write another few chapters lol,but I won't bore yous anymore, thanks again, and I hope I'll be able to do the same for yous when you need it!

Holly101

[Hidden in reply to Holly101]

Why not write more! We all have! What about now, what's your life like and where do you want to go with it? Suexx

[Holly101 in reply to Hidden]

I just noticed you replied to a post (my first one) a month ago (I FEEL LIKE SCREAMING),you are a very caring, considerate, loving person, just don't forget about yourself!

I know I'm not much use to anyone just now,but I hope one day I'll be able to do the same for you what you did for me.

The most important thing you've done for me is to let me know its ok to talk about yourself, and how you feel etc.

I've always been told 'awk stop your whingeing, there's people a lot worse of than you'

and the likes of that.

So thank you for that Sue! Xx

[Hidden in reply to Holly101]

That's ok, we all need to be more open about how we feel and things that have happened to us, then we wouldn't be so depressed! Thanks for your thanks! Suexx

[Holly101]

Lol I will write more,i think the floodgates have opened Thanks for your encouragement!

I'm gonna leave it for later or tomorrow if you don't mind, there's so much, I didn't even realise,coz you were right,I do keep things to myself and have been for years..

But it feels good to talk to people who listen, don't judge, and understand.

I'm glad I found this site,and I will write more, promise!

Only if you do the same, coz I'm curious and interested what brought you and other people to a website like this and what their stories are..

I've not even started yet, so be warned

Luv,Holly101

[Hidden in reply to Holly101]

Have a look back over our previous blogs. you go into the members, find us and then you can see all our blogs. xx

[ThemysciraDrive]

'Lo again Holly,

I'm glad you're going to keep posting. Anyone who judges you for what you've shared above isn't worth your time. If someone is judgmental about your situation, it says nothing whatsoever about you, and everything about them. As for what society thinks, well society is just proof that the idiots always shout the loudest.

For what it's worth, if someone asked me what I thought of you after reading your posts, here's what I'd say:

I would say you are most definitely not selfish. Look how much you obviously care about your family, how kind you are in your sentiments about your mum and your brother. A selfish person doesn't care how they affect other people, but you clearly do, and very much at that. You seem a very kind-hearted soul to me, and that's what matters.

I'd say you've got serious guts. I can't even begin to imagine what dealing with addiction must be like. But as others have said, to be as open as you are about it and to keep on trying again, and to have looked after yourself from as young as you had to, takes an awful lot of courage and bravery. Not sure I would have as much strength of mind as you do.

I'd say I'm really glad you posted here, and that you're going to keep doing so, it will be good to get to know you

I wouldn't feel like you're no use to anyone at the moment either - just sharing and reading each others' posts and stories helps us all, finding things we relate to and knowing we are not alone or isolated. There might be someone with some similarities to your situation who read your post and took comfort in it - you never know how you're helping people. For my part, it's reassuring to know I'm not the only one who feels like a kid in a grown-up world, so you have definitely helped me.

[Holly101 in reply to ThemysciraDrive]

Thank you! Never thought i'd be able to help someone, but your right, just by knowing you're not the only one that feels that way, just that in itself can be a great help!

Did you know there's actually a term for that ; 'Peter Pan Syndrome' haha. I think that actually refers more to not WANTING to grow up,instead of feeling like a little girl not being able to cope in a grown up world,but maybe ,deep down, we don't want to grow up? Coz we're afraid we won't be able to cope with the responsabilties and complications that come with it?

I don't know ,I don't have the answers, but I know if I had the choice ,I would never grow up and stay in primary school forever, when life was simple, money wasn't a problem, and life was uncomplicated and fun. Well most of the time..!

Thanks for your kind words ThemysciraDrive,and I will definitely start reading other people's posts too,I've already read a few that caught my eye,and you're so right,just to know you're not alone is a great help!

Holly101

[Photogeek in reply to Holly101]

Hi Holly , haven't been on here for a few day, I was sick myself but feeling a bit better now. Holly you sound like a gorgeous bright woman who has maturity and can laugh at herself. This great Forum has really helped me. I live alone and often feel I have no one to talk to.

Finding a good GP is so important ., my GP is great with my recurrent type Depression , very kind and empathic, but he is not so great with other medical things. Anyway that a small complaint.

Holly no one should judge you or anyone, every single one of us has our faults and weaknesses and addiction is an illness. I hope

you are getting help and maybe when time is right for you, you will make a big change.

Keep writing and reading too and I think you we're right to go on anti dep. from GP. Your Mam. Should not compare herself to you , medically wise, and after all your Mom is your Mom and your GP is who I would be guided by. We are all so different, two sisters could go on the same anti d's and both could have different outcomes. Tell your Mom that you are glad she cares but that you would value her support of your sensible choice to go by the GP.

Look after yourself and eat well and hope you do we'll on the Meds. ( give them a bit of time)

Hugs

Hannah

[Holly101 in reply to Photogeek]

Hi Hannah, sorry to hear you've not been well but glad to hear you're doing better now..

It does help a lot, not even talkin to someone, but even just writing it down and knowing there are people who understand and go through the same kinda stuff as you.. I'm so glad I've found this forum, its already helped me a lot, I should say the people on it have, with their encouraging, non-judgemental and understanding words!

The problem's not actually my mum, she's brilliant with me, and quite understanding for someone who hasn't had an addiction or any serious mental health problems (although she's had her fair share!), but its my GP that's the one who hasn't got a clue, isn't interested and blames everything on my drugaddiction. (I've been addicted to anything from alcohol, weed, speed, coke etc, to heroin and valium since I was about 14, I'm ashamed and riddled with guilt about this for what it has done and still does to my family, but I felt I had to mention it or some of this won't make sense!)

I've been on Trazadone for about 6 years,I felt they were working at the start, as I was having horrible nightmares and flashbacks and they were giving me at least 4hours of nightmare-free sleep,but now I feel they're not working as well anymore,plus I don't like the way they make me feel in the morning, kinda groggy and fuzzyheaded.. (I just noticed the irony there,a drugaddict who doesn't like feeling groggy and fuzzyheaded ;))

The logical thing to do would be to change GP,but it doesn't seem to matter where I go, hospitals, psychiatrists, counsellors, they ALL blame everything on my drugproblems.. I suppose its an easy way out for them,i don't know..

Thanks for replying to my post Hannah, and nice to meet you ;),I hope you keep getting better!

Luv,Holly101

[Photogeek in reply to Holly101]

Thanks Holly for writing too. You are lucky to have a loving Mum, mine died in her late eighties and I still miss her. I can just imagine Drs blaming everything on your addictions, they blame my Depression on me not being able to have children, a broken marriage , who knows what causes stuff it's very complex to tease everything out. I hope you will get the right Meds to suit you, don't give up, you are a breath of fresh air. X big hug to you

Hannah

[Holly101 in reply to Photogeek]

Aw thank you Hannah, honestly, I can't remember so many people sayin so many nice things to me, well uh..ever.. It's nice, you just made me smile there, I caught myself smiling coz you called me a breath of fresh air (maybe you just said it but it felt nice anyway, thanks :)!)

Awk, I know, doctors, psychiatrists, they hardly know you, yet they seem to have a cause or a reason or a label for every symptom and every problem you've got.. I know it's their job,but why not keep it simple, I think this forum, talking to people who understand, who make ye feel better about yourself, listen to you etc.,has helped me more in 2days than any doctor, drugworker, counsellor, psychiatrist or any other professional has in the last 20 odd year!!

Big hug back,Holly Xxx

[Photogeek in reply to Holly101]

Holly glad I made you smile. You are young and there isno reason that you will not get well. When I think on all the stuff Drs have said I get tired. Some were v. Good but others treat you as if they are reading out of a textbook. The book is called " How to spot a Depressive before she even tells you she is Depressed" . It's good to laugh, I always most days find things to make me smile. Keep on this Forum it's great, everyone cares and they don't just give silly answers. Holly I am listening to a Late Date music programme. But I will try and get ready for bed, as I brushed teeth ages ago, now I'm starving. Would love Crisps or chocolate or Pizza. Sleep well and mail me if you ever want a natter.

Hannah

[Holly101 in reply to Photogeek]

Thanks Hannah,I'm off to bed too,I just realised Iforgot to mention about the fact you'd lost your mum,and just had to get back on this, especially coz I go on about my mum quite a lot, can't help it, she's my rock..

I'll look out for that book,its good to laugh isn't it,better than crying,I think we do enough of that..!

It is a great forum,I'm so glad I found it,there's no sarcasm, no nasyiness, just caring,encouraging, understanding people,its so refreshing, I wish I'd found it ages ago!!

Right I'm off to bed,I don't know what medication your on and its none of my business,but a lot of them make ye pure starving! You find yourself stuffing your face in the middle of the night with all sorts,anything you can find! Nuts

N.nite Hannah,sweet dreamz,Holly xx

[Holly101 in reply to Photogeek]

Sorry Hannah, I can only imagine how much you must miss your mum, its one of my biggest fear to loose mine, but I know its gonna happen one day.. Were you close to your mum? I don't know if you believe in stuff like that, but me and my mum have such a strong bond sometimes weird things happen, like we'll think about something totally irrelevant to anything at exactly the same time and when I talk to her later that day or even that week, and we mention it, its like, 'no way, was that about 3pm Wednesday' or something,or we phone at the exact same second even though she lives in Amsterdam and I live in Glasgow,I don't know if you get what I'm trying to say, but if you were as close to your mum as I am to mine, i'm sure she's lookin out for you,and somehow still near you, and maybe in a way, still in touch with you, try and pay attention to it..,you never know!

I am very grateful for having my mum, she's a very strong woman, who's had to fight her own battles in life, and I'm certainly not helping..

I love her to bits,and she's some example to me,I wish I could share her with you!

Luv n hugs,Holly Xx