What's wrong with me? I know I should go to a doctor and the counselor (lol I think I spelled that wrong), but I don't want to. I'm not going, so don't try to persuade me.
But what IS wrong with me? Is it just normal social anxiety or what? It's driving me insane. The symptoms are:
-fear of people I'm not comfortable with
-fear of people who are 'cooler' than me
-a building feeling of sadness that peaks around 8 or 9pm into depression. It's gone the following morning (doesn't happen every evening)
-a feeling of impending doom when I'm alone in the dark
-a phobia of being alone - but it's not being alone, it's being abandoned
-extreme self-consciousness
-I get very defensive about things
-I do things recklessly
-periodic feelings of self-loathing
-I won't go into a room full of people by choice. I don't like theme parks - too many people. I am only myself around those few people I truly trust.
-I constantly do things 'wrong'
-I have a 'happy' facade. I put on a brave, don't-care attitude and it works. People think I don't give a ****, when I care more than people'd imagine.
Yet, despite this, my friends say I'm confident and loud. I do things recklessly and impulsively and I'm as stubborn as a donkey and loyal as some kind of puppy.
Any ideas? Or is this just growing up (man, if it is, it sucks xD)
Written by
JustDatWolf
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hi there im not.going to judge you but you really need to seek help as there is no use in asking for help and on the other hand telling us not to ask you to go to your doctor ! if you dont seek help from a doctor you will not get better take care !
Hi I agree with celtic. We are not trained professionals on here so cannot diagnose you The only one who can do that is a doctor. It is your choice whether or not you go but if you don't you will just have to put up with it. x
I feel very sad about what you have written. You say you have a fear of being abandoned and feel a self-loathing and from what you have written it is clear that you are unable to share who you really are with the world. That is sad, because the more you hide your real self from the world the greater the self-loathing you will feel.
I will not suggest you see a counsellor or therapist, you make it clear that you are not willing to do that - but I will suggest that you stop presenting a false front to the world and start being yourself. What are you afraid will happen if people know what you are really like? Perhaps you imagine they will not want to know you - and why should they want to know you when you are never honest with them - your feelings of self-loathing are an inevitable result of being dishonest all the time, you hate the way you lie to the world.
I wonder where you learned never to be real and honest with people. You will have learned that from an early age, as a child.
Fear of abandonment is a frightening feeling and one many of us learn during childhood. If we are lucky in our parents we learn during childhood to feel secure, to know we will be loved whatever we are like but it sounds as if like many of us who go on to experience depression you were not able to take that feeling for granted but felt your parents' love was conditional upon your being a particular kind of person - perhaps a happy self-contained person who did not need love.
You say you are reckless and impulsive - that is the result of your continual self-restraint - by being so false in relationships you are left with the need to express your spontaneity in other ways. You also say you are stubborn as a donkey which suggests you resist changing in any way. I wonder whether that attitude has come about because you felt you had to be the way your parents' wanted. You continue to resist, only now the only person you are resisting is yourself - by making it impossible to be yourself in exactly the same way as your parents have done you are doing to yourself what has been done to you.
Most of us continue to live our lives in the ways we learned during childhood and the only way that changes is when we can no longer tolerate the result. You are the only one who can decide whether you want to change, and if so whether you are ready to begin. If you are then we will support your attempts to be more real in relationships so you can begin to have greater self-respect and like yourself.
Thanks for your reply - it honestly made me feel a lot better. I find it hard to pull down my defenses because of what happened last time I became 'vulnerable' (lol I can't really find a better word for it). It's just the times when I really need to talk or there's something on my mind, I just can't say it. It goes against every defense mechanism I have.
I guess, in short, I'm afraid of people judging me. I'm very weird xD but I think it's in a good way (some people don't agree, however ).
Everyone here on HU is awesome and than you all for being so supportive of everyone
I don't know how old you are, but I could have written all that! I've felt that way since I was in school and I'm 53 now! Have you seen a doctor? I wish I'd seen one when I was young...I think I would have had a much happier life, although depression was taboo when I was young.
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Sorry, I didn't notice that you said you didn't want to see a doctor. I really think you should. I know it takes courage to talk it all out. I remember the first time I went to the doctor...she was wonderful.
I have someone I really trust and I talk to her sometimes... I know I should probably go and see a professional, but I would just sit there in a kind of suffocating silence and not be able to say anything, doing my world-famous salmon impression xD
On a serious note, I am grateful for your reply and cares, so thanks xx
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whats the point in this life 
Depression fear anxiety suicidal feelings that never go away and deep despair and lonliness!!
Attempting To Branch Out And Make Some Friends.
Fact or Fiction? Losing my own mind game.
Help me.
