Self love became self hate

So many people know how abandonment feels, wether it's by a spouse or being sacked from a job, it all delivers that blow of feeling unwanted. We find someone/thing we enjoy or we care for and it gets taken from us. Sometimes we stop letting people in. We find a way to cope with these feelings. I've recently been doing a lot of self analysis (people say don't but when you're living your life that isn't your own, it becomes easier to see the difference in yourself). I identify most commonly as a sociopath. I can manipulate feelings and agendas of people around me. I control the trust people have for me while bearing none in return. Feeling everyone who cares for me under my thumb was good at the start. I could take love from anyone and feel nothing for them. There is a question here that I've needed answered for a long time because living like a recluse is making me extremely depressed. How do I protect people from myself when I start to find feelings for them? I push everyone away out of fear of being left again. I just don't know how much longer I can let this rule my life

16 Replies

  • Alden, you've posted before about your need to stop living such a reclusive life, as of late. Everyone can manipulate feelings and agendas of people around them and control and abuse trust while giving none in return.

    Its just that nearly all of us chose not to as we have enough sense to see that if we treat others this way eventually they will treat us in the same way and we will become isolated and disliked.

    You have a choice as to continue doing this and stay reclusive or start to show trust and be positive to people and to become popular and liked. This won't happen over night but once you make a start it will no longer be ruling your life.


  • Hello there,

    The answer is in the heading of your post. When someone has experienced abandonment, they learn to abandon themselves as well. Taking love but not allowing yourself to really feel it or feel worthy of it. If we look for our worth outside ourselves we risk being let down because none of us are perfect and so we cant always live up to expectations of others. So where do we get our sense of worth from? From ourselves! I can almost hear you saying "But I don't know how to love myself." You could start by being kinder to yourself. People who don't feel worthy have a strong inner critic, a voice inside us (which is our own voice) that is critical, which unfortunately extends outwards toward others as well. We relentlessly give ourselves critical messages like " I must keep myself safe in case anyone hurts me." "Don't show weakness." "I hate myself." The inner critic was there originally to protect us. But some of our inner messages are old tapes that keep playing. You are still trying to protect yourself from the original wounding. "I mustn't let anyone in."

    Your fear is about losing yourself. So you isolate yourself, at a cost. The cost for you is depression. I strongly suggest that you allow someone in and that someone could be a professional that can help you to learn to let yourself in by learning to be kinder to yourself and quietening the critical messages inside you, because when you can learn to do this you will be more open to letting others in because you will understand that we all make mistakes and sometimes we must learn to forgive, especially ourselves.

  • What a wonderful message. You must love yourself first before you can truly love others . Love is all there is in life . Go Towards love always . It heals our body and soul .

  • now that you have realized that playing god does not work for long and can only cause deep pain in ourself and others, one has to find a new way to live. self searching is good and understanding is the key to right living. dont be hard on yourself, you have made a start. Try to find some good hobbies that you will enjoy doing as this gives a person feelings of self worth and one will be less likely to need validation from others. also Dont put all your eggs in one basket. spread your self thinly . There will always be people who will let us down in this world, if you have hobbies and many aquantainces you wont feel alone or dumped if someone lets you down. wishing you well love grace xoxoxo

  • Today, I woke up with dread of self- hatred. Your words inspired me to at least share some thoughts. My mind has created all that is good or not in this world. Most people would see my current state as treacherous - one step away from losing all that is dear to me and default action is to stick my head in the sand and wishing it away. Not very practical!

    My family hate my cowardice to do what needs to be done as I lurch from disaster to disaster and lack of effort. Each failure begets more failure and I take solace from too many outside sources and still have no clear direction in my life. Every time I sit down to decide a path I sabotage and worry about other options. Childish my wife says and she needs a man!

    I have had lots of therapy, CBT and try meditation but still feel stuck and repeat mistakes or find new ones, get dispirited and my effort just stops. This cannot go on!

    I am more reclusive than ever and use these forums to avoid going out of my mind completely. My mountain is high and my attitude and altitude to low to survive. Looking for magic cures here seems futile but here I am again. My worst enemy has nearly won, drowning in self-pity and self-loathing. How can I be saved?

  • You save yourself . And pray for healing go toward love always

  • Its not as complicated as you think. Keep it simple, Dont stop at your self loathing and self pity as that only leads to more. im not sure what you mean about taking solace from outside sources. everyone has good points and you must be accurate and look at those and find out what your best is and use it to make your world a better place to live in for yourself and those around you. Stop listening to all that negative bullshit ,sometimes our mind gets in the way. believe it or not some people enjoy punishing them selfs and take a warped pleasure in it.we can all be our own worst enemy. wishing you well love grace xoxoxo

  • Negative BS is right. Stopping those noises something else. I do need it simple and have bought books, attended courses, seminars and implemented little. Always looking at next thing. Time to stop all that! I am delighted you cared enough to simply wish me well. God bless you, Grace and thanks for cheering me up. Maybe I have a guardian angel after all. Peace, love and respect to you and all you love too xoxoxo

  • Im sure you do have a guardian angel , This is a good thought. Thank you for a lovely reply. and GOD bless you. love grace xoxoxo

  • We all have angels around us . Feel their presence love yourself first and you will create more love

  • ZuperNev, It sounds like your life is based on fear. You feel fearful of putting yourself out there?

    This has come from somewhere, maybe over critical parents or over dominant parents? Or perhaps even over protective parents, but you have learned this behaviour from somewhere. You remind me of the cowardly Lion in the Wizard of Oz. That is not a put down by the way, just an observation. Remember the cowardly Lion had more courage than he thought he had. All of us feel afraid sometimes, but what perpetuates this is what we tell ourselves. You tell yourself that you cant, over and over again and when you do this you come to believe it. FEAR = False Evidence Appearing Real. You have fed yourself false evidence appearing real for a long time. Probably because you were spoon fed it by someone else originally. Who? Unfortunately those around you now are not sympathetic, which re-enforces your beliefs about yourself.

    The way around fear is to learn to take small risks, baby steps. Now the thing with risks are that sometimes they pay off and sometimes they don't. But the point of taking them is finding out. If they don't turn out the way you wanted, tell yourself that at least you tried. That will be a small step to having respect for yourself. We have a comfort Zone like an invisible ring around us. Everything inside the ring is what feels ok with us and everything outside it feels scary. Start small.

    How can you start to widen the ring around you? Perhaps you could start by making one decision whether it is the right or wrong decision does not matter. Just make one decision and stick to it.

    I wish you well.

    By the way, I know what fear feels like.

  • Made my first step. Trying the move to waking earlier and a better routine and to do list. Waking part is good, then exercise, then logging feelings and what needs to be done and then some learning. 7 days in and feel better but to do list is still chaotic and usually incomplete but Rome.... Thanks for the kind words and maybe my angels are beginning to pull me out the mire of my negative BS!

    God bless you.

  • A regular routine will quieten the chaos and rewarding yourself for your achievements is good too. Small rewards like giving yourself something you might enjoy. Learning to stick to what you intend to achieve in any given day will help you to start respecting and liking yourself. Give yourself a pat on the back for what you do. As I said baby steps, don't try too many things at once. Good luck.

  • Yeah, much respect. Thanks for giving me your time. I am still hesitant and procrastinating over quite serious issues but did start early again today and achieved the prologue part of exercise, plan and learn, the DOING is still a problem as my confidence is still low. I have been on NHS website and enrolled in an online CBT course. Baby steps for now hoping for big strides soon as time is not on my side.

  • Worried that I am finding more excuses to procrastinate and achieve NOTHING...those thoughts lead to the DARK SIDE...

  • What are your thoughts. Please share your thoughts if you think you can. Become aware of what stops you, what thoughts stop you.

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