Fact or Fiction? Losing my own mind game.

I'm okay. I'm back at my term time address, convinced the family I had too much uni work to stay at home, and have to get back for that. I don't really know how things are going to be honest. I've not taken my medication for over a week, and haven't really noticed a difference. Which is confusing/worrying me, as maybe there isn't a problem with me at all and my head's just playing tricks on me.

I've not self harmed since I went home. I was quite ill with what I think was flu, coughing up a bit of blood every day, sore throat, headache, fatigue, weakness etc. Getting over that now, and now I'm on my own again I started doing chemical burns with ice and salt on my arms a few moments ago.

I'm frustrated that they're on my arms. I never do them where they can be seen usually. I'm frustrated that I did it, that it felt so routine, like nothing. I'm more frustrated that they aren't severe enough as I'd like them to be.

I could feel myself slipping back into a worse state today. I don't know whether I've just been hit with the relief of not being 'on' all the time at home, putting on a festive good face for my family, or just coming back down to the void-like day to day state I seem to find myself in. Its a very physical feeling of a sort of come down.

I don't think there is actually anything wrong with me, mental health wise. I think as a being I am actually wrong.

I don't know where I'm going with this, or why I'm writing it. But, there you go.

"I am doing okay at Uni. Could be doing better if I put effort in, but will probably come out with a 2:1. It's a shame I had a tough year, otherwise I reckon I would have easily got a first. But it doesn't really matter with what I want to do. I want to get an entry level job in the NHS when I graduate. Maybe a speech therapist, or heath care assistant. Just enough hours to earn a living, and still have time to brush up on my science and prepare for the GAMSAT in September 2015, maybe '14. Then, I'll get into medical school, become a doctor, maybe meet a nice guy, get my own place with a big bookshelf and nice kitchen for cooking. Have kids later on. Make a difference. I'll travel at some point. It's exciting really, I can just do what I want."

Apparently. That's what I tell people. That's what I tell myself. I'm not too sure I believe myself. It seems like a story. Like someone else.

[cld6]

Really sorry to hear you felt the urge to self harm again after not doing so for a little while.

Your speech of how you're doing that you say you've been telling people is very impressive & you're clearly going places - especially to be on track for a 2:1 after facing so much difficulty.

Sorry that I don't have any real help or advice to give you but just thought I'd post a quick comment to let you know someone's here

[Hidden in reply to cld6]

The thing is, that's just what it is. A speech. It could very easily be true. But I don't feel like it is...

[cld6 in reply to Hidden]

In order to be able to repeat it to everyone I think a part of you must know it's definitely achievable. If you give yourself the credit you're due then I'm sure you can achieve all of those things you want to

I've read a few of your posts but I'm usually quite shy on here so have never responded - but I have seen the struggle you've had recently and you must have incredible strength to be dealing with what you are, and that's without uni work on top of it. I think you're doing an amazing job just to be coping

[Hidden in reply to cld6]

Thanks for your support

[ThemysciraDrive]

You know, Kurt Vonnegut once said "We are what we pretend to be" - and there's an element of truth in that. With depression, we'll make more of an effort for the sake of others than we will for ourselves. So when we're putting the brave face on for other people, we aren't entirely pretending. We actually do make a better effort to take care of ourselves.

Two questions - did you feel better about yourself for not self-harming? And what you've written about at the end, is that genuinely what you would like for your life (forget about whether or not you think its possible or not for a minute)?

Please start taking your meds again. Don't panic that they're not working. With your overdoses, they haven't a clean few weeks to work on you. It may be they're not the right type, or dosage - there's an element of trial and error with ADs. But you do need to give them a few settled weeks to work.

[Hidden in reply to ThemysciraDrive]

I don't really know. I was so distracted with home and I didn't really have the opportunity to do anything. I don't know if it counts as a mild form of self harm, but the only thing I could physically do was deprive myself of sleep and refuse to get treated for my illness, because I was quite ill. I guess I was just content with being ill. I felt better that the cuts were healing. But that was partly because now I have a blank canvas to start cutting over again.

I don't know whether that's what I'd like. I know its a good script for people to be like. I know its what people approve of, what my family want to see. I guess I want to help people. To try and justify mysef. But I don't want to be around for that long. Thinking that far ahead is painful.

[hamble99b]

I wouldn't advise anyone to stop taking their med's lily, it's only a gp or other medically trained professional who can monitor you to gradually cut them down safely.

our body doesn't make the chemicals we need - such as seratonin. the med's supplement these levels to as near a correct level as we can get. - my gp likens it to someone who is diabetic taking insulin, or me taking thyroxin because my thyroid doesn't make enough. - not to take it would make me very ill.

please reconsider liiy. Go and see a gp asap, if your current ones don't suit, maybe another on will.

regards,

sandra.

p.s. well done on using ice if you need to self-harm, it's much less damaging,

that shows good self-control, not easy, I'm proud of you.

[Hidden in reply to hamble99b]

I did take a tablet today. I don't know why I stopped taking them. I don't really know why I started. I guess I know its the 'right thing to do', and I just want to get to July.

[hamble99b in reply to Hidden]

good to hear, well done! one day at a time - some of my days are 10 minutes at a time

[Hidden in reply to hamble99b]

Well, the ice isn't really a step up as when combined with salt it creates a chemical burn! But, I don't think the scars last as long, so that's something...

[Hidden]

Lily, if the meds don't seem effective talk to your doc and get a different med. I've been on my current one 8 years but it was the 4th different one before we got it right. I might be starting No. 5 soon, but that's another story.

On self harm, mental health services are a bit hit or miss, but ask your GP if there is a DBT (not CBT!) practitioner locally, Dialectic Behavioural Therapy is good for managing the distress that leads to self harm

[gardengnome]

Not surprised you are looking forward to july . Like any student the long summer holiday is a well deserved bonus. If you want to do some health-care agency / staff bank work in the summer get references and applications sorted by easter to give time for the police-check to come through....it can take months. If you carry on with the same agency during term-time, they may ask for you to work one shift per week to keep on their books. Who knows it might give you an idea of what part of the health service you might prefer to work in.

I can't remember if you said it was the first year of uni? When you have spare time when you might be at a loose end. how about doing a bit of research into some of the theoretical background of speech-therapy/ nursing/physiotherapy etc, The human body is a fascinating thing, and if you choose to look at some of the basic ideas behind psychology of nursing it might be a case of 'two birds with one stone' so to speak,

Notice you have taken your regular med yesterday, i forgot which ones you use, but the ssri group are supposed to have what they call a long half-life, which means it takes a while to feel a difference when you stop and when you start them too, so if you do have a bit of a down time for a few days don't worry, the level should get back to normal soon.

I know you felt rotten while you had the flu but in an odd sort of way it did show you that you could manage without cuts and burns. Keep trying out less harmful alternatives, for some reason the idea of vodo dolls suddenly springs to mind, or using your drawing ability on paper to draw those feeling and urges. Who knows--- a glittering career in expressive art?

Just a thought, routines can be quite complicated and made up of lots of elements, if you can not escape doing some self harm, can you create a routine that also involves something neutral and positives well, like particular music and a piece of toffee for example, the eventual aim is that the music and toffee become more important than the physical side, and get to take over from it----eventually.

Glad you managed to avoid having a row at home over why you wanted to to back to uni.

[Hidden in reply to gardengnome]

Its more the thought of finishing University, sorting out my finances and generally being ready by then to end this. I just want to get to July, so that everything is tied up, and I have as little effect on my housemates as possible. My joint tenancy ends on 1st July, I will have finished University, cleared my bank debts and generally have come to a conclusion. I do have a plan, or at least a rough one, which will be refined. Its a combination of a lot of different methods, so this time I won't be unsuccessful. I'm accepting all the help offered to me medically until then, so that I can try and get to that point. I don't want to do anything until everything's sorted.

I'm in my third year, final year.

[gardengnome in reply to Hidden]

lily I don't know if i want to hug you or shake you babes....Sandra mentions the concept that we are what we pretend to be....i think that links into the ideas in n.l.p. Though i haven't really looked into them much myself i think it makes some sense, If we go through the motions of acts and thoughts that normally bring good results....then those positive results will come our way, whether it is acquiring money or happiness or health. Yes i know it does sound a bit 'happy-clappy' , but it has some truth in it

I know all the things that I should be doing, but turning the should into reality often gets self-sabotaged somewhere along the way. Like since a month ago or more I knew i needed to tidy up my place, at least a bit anyway and I would be absolutely mortified if someone had to break in and found it in the state it is. In some ways, I think I only tidy up to a rather limited extent.... because it is some kind of incentive not to step under a bus if you know what i mean? Kind of turning the concept of ''wearing clean knickers ...just-in-case'' on its' head.

Perhaps your scars are something similar, or maybe I'm reading too much into it.

In the second half of your posting you write out a life script that part of you wants to follow, having the security of a house, a job, family, that cosy picture with roses round the door. Do try and give that side of you free reign, she does not deserve to be stamped upon with hob-nailed boots. It might not always be roses round the door, some of us only get carnations.....but get to like the look of them anyway,

Yes I know I can be remorselessly cheerful and it probably gets right on you wick. But I guess I'm being kind of selfish, because it is also a way of telling myself what I should have been told long ago.

We all have different ways of slipping out of painful situations or difficult futures, I tended to just move town or get a different job, or just go off on working holidays abroad. The only times I thought of more drastic options was when I really wasn't well, and luckily they were only passing thoughts

Before I get all ranty and start quoting Disney songs at you I will sign off.

[GlasgowNeil]

Hi Lily, not sure what to say really but wanted to make a connection, hang on in there!

[Hidden in reply to GlasgowNeil]

Thanks

[Stilltrying_ in reply to Hidden]

Lilly, once again I apologise for being a bit "doped up" on zopiclone, so not as clear as usual. (it is annoying me as i can't be as articulate as usual) Reading your thought processes is like reading my own and I understand completely the "two routes" you are talking about. The thing is there is one part of you that thinks you are bad because you have "failed" and that makes you feel you have to die and another part the "life force" that thank God wants to live and go forward. At different times one or the other or all of it can feel like a "story" as we don't really feel important enough to exist sometimes as that is what we have learned to be "right" about ourselves. They are not stories though, they are how your child that big emotional centre of you is feeling; please take care of her; everything she feels is real, all the pain all the hurt all the anxiety all the hope, everything; it is really happening to her. She has a right to be here just as much as anyone else. We punish her because she can't cope but she is only a child. Please be kind to her and understand she is doing her best.

Does any of that ring true? Sorry if it doesn't. It means I am talking about me and not you and I do apologise if you cannot relate to this. Maybe I need your experiences. There is something about hearing from you that sounds just so like myself.

I have come to the conclusion that it would be the biggest waste and the biggest lie if I were to feel I had to leave this world now, and so I feel about you also ; if you ever do it will feel like such a loss to me, almost like it's losing another person like me if you guess what I mean. And we don't need to go. (I realise this may sound very selfish of me)

Once again sorry for the mixed upness. Think it through some more Lilly. You are getting there. You understand you have been manipulated.That stuff on pyschopathic personality was very illuminating. I have read books and articles like that and they have formed the main part of the solution for me. I hope so much that you can reach the place I have reached within myself.

We don't need to die, we are good people Lilly x

Gemmalouise