Mental health therapists come in all shapes and sizes........

I wrote this post (very long!, sorry) as I wanted to share my thoughts in the terms of what I class as qualified therapists for mental health.

Its something I agree we all need no matter what are problems are, yet over the years both seeking help and then having to try and open-up to someone who is in the care profession, for me personally has been both difficult and in some cases very detrimental to my actual well being.

This year I was finally back in a position where I could invest some of my earnings into something personal for a change and found myself a music teacher that I could attend a lunch time lesson mid week and I just wanted to explain why to me this is also having a good therapist for my mental health.

This person is extremely kind, compassionate, patient and caring and above all very knowledgeable in his field as well. As all good therapists he is also in great demand!

But why do I say it’s the same as talking to a psychiatrist or someone else that understands? Like everyone I have good days and bad days, when I started lessons in January I stated that I couldn’t even play an instrument, even though I had somehow fooled a few examiners and scraped through some of the grades. My first few lessons were also a nightmare as I trembled so much and always just freeze solid after a few bars of playing, this is pretty much what I do in life as well, fear takes grip in almost every situation, it can lead to shame and self loathing, open the flood gates as well as downward spirals out of control and when the only focus can be on finding a way to stop it all.

I want to compare lessons (my idea of therapy) to life for this reason, I was last in this position in 2004 and although studying was not the easiest thing, it was fun and I could see the progress, but financial constraints meant I had to stop. For the last ten years I have never stopped playing and enjoying this passion, but without any guidance I also never moved, never built any faith that I could even do what I was doing, yes, I can play a few peaces of music reasonably and even teach myself something new to the point I can recognize it! but little by little the self criticism means I can even destroy what took me so long to build up.

This morning while doing my usual practice it struck me just how much I had progressed in such a short time! I am certainly do not have any aspirations in playing other than self enjoyment at this hobby, so my goals are not too much in the future. Anyway, I was playing Bach’s Solffeggio which as much as I love it when I listened to others play it on youtube, all I could say was never in a million years could I do that it’s too fast! My brain thinks in slow motion and I don’t do fast, so for months I have been more than happy to just play it that from someone else point of view must seem like in slow motion. Low and behold I can play it fast, don’t know how but my fingers sure can move.

So what I think I am trying to say is if you practice the same thing over and over, just doing it at that level without the expectation of being like the others, like me one day you just do it, even if it is just being able to smile and enjoy watching a child play, whatever, anything.

But for me, you can bet your bottom dollar that next time I try that it just wont happen! My fingers will stumble, ill forget where I am because my mind has again wondered somewhere I would rather it wouldn’t go! and I’ll have to just keep plugging away at it again.

I’ll show up again for my next lesson the usual wreck in such a state I can’t even look up from the floor! Yet gently this person starts at the beginning and coaxes me into something that I can perhaps do, never judging, never expecting, purely directing giving a little advise on what to try. Now looking back on this year, some of those lessons have lasted ten minutes before I have said I can’t do it and ran out! a lot of the times I have frozen after a minutes and he has ended up putting my fingers in the right place and even tried pressing them down! until the inner hysteria can subside and I can move again. The words of support I get I grab with both hands and remain a seed in my head that I then try to put in every other situation and just like those lessons, sometimes it helps and sometimes I sure will have to repeat them a million times before I get the result I desperately need.

So I have written this rather long and tedious post to say, don’t always be pigeon holed into who you might think is a therapist for mental health, they come in all shapes and sizes and sometimes following one path will help with so many others. If it feels impossible to talk face to face with a psychiatrist, do something else, what you find in life is that people who are expert in their fields love to share what they know, good people don’t judge as much as we think they do. then being able to focus on what you can do instead of what you don’t think you can do, you find they start to overlap and help each other.

Please don’t take this wrong, I am not saying put the trained mental health team on the back burner, far far far from it, they have more answers and help than anyone else really. But if you ever feel you are hitting a wall, maybe just try to look in a slightly different direction? Accept every feeling as the way it is but slowly just have someone guide or help with something you might think is unrelated, but is actually all part and parcel of who we are or want to be.

I hope that what I am trying to say makes some sense and apologies if it doesn’t, I was just trying to share a view that we can loose track of just how many times we have to repeat something before we get the results we so need.

Moni xxx

[WantToChange]

No I can see your point here. Thank you for sharing these thoughts. Repetition is how we remember information and facts and how to ride a bike, therefore changing the way you think and learning how to respond differently to situations that upset us will also take a lot of practice to master. And it is almost impossible for us to do it ourselves, we need help from someone who knows how to achieve it. Maybe you find your music teacher inspiring and motivating, and he is so knowledgeable in his field that you trust him enough to come out of your shell? Just a thought.

How are you feeling today?

[Hidden in reply to WantToChange]

yes he is those things, but it's more than that, I so want to talk some of problems through sometimes but do not have that capability, that may be hard to understand as I know everyone needs to feel safe before they talk, but I have still never managed this, partly through lack of trust yes. But one thing about being this old is there comes a time when you give up trying that road.

Having someone helping a servere anxiety enables me to also have an inner voice that would perhaps say some of the things i think a care worker would say or advise? I Know I can’t suddenly tell him what happened in the past that perhaps lead to some of my behavior, yet those words can still be clear in my mind, so having someone understand the behavior but not the cause can still give me some direction.The things I sometimes do wrong in that one hour I also do wrong in many other actions I do throughout the day, so some how the solutions I am given I also use throughout the day, sometimes they help and sometimes I have to wait until I am a little calmer and try them again before they can help.

I hope I am not babbling too much and that makes sense? maybe the bottom line for me is, it sometimes gives me hope where I have never looked before.

[secondhandrose2]

Hi

It's great that you have found a relationship that is therapeutic though not formal therapy, that is the thing we all hope can happen as mental health specialists can't solve all our problems.

It's important to remember that a child learns first and foremost through the body and parents doing things to and with our bodies. Often when we have had difficult past experiences we are stuck at the level of needing help in a direct way, through our body. That kind of help is difficult to find as there is a fine line between helping an adult in that direct way and being over-familiar or perhaps even abusive - it sounds as though your music teacher is able to tread that line with sensitivity and enabled you to overcome some of your difficulties, and that is great!!

Suexxx

[Hidden in reply to secondhandrose2]

Thanks Sue, I love the way you say things, that makes perfect sense.

Moni xxxx

[Photogeek]

Hi Moni in glad you find your teacher helps you. I studied the Violin as a child and

My teacher too was really nice. He hardly ever spoke much but was so encouraging.

Learning anything helps us and I think if you find Music Lessons help you. That's good

For you. Mastery of anything helps us to go into a different place and we forget

All our worries.

Hannah

[Hidden in reply to Photogeek]

Thanks Hannah, I wish I could forget them, but will settle with just trying to cope xxx

[secondhandrose2]

I agree with you both. I want (and need) someone who will take me walking, or at least walk with me, several times a week until I am fit enough to manage the Sunday Ramblers walks without feeling so exhausted afterwards. I go out each week and manage the 6-7 miles but it feels like an ordeal even though I like the fact that I am doing it and with lovely supportive people - but then afterwards I am left feeling exhausted and need help in managing to do any form of exercise at all. Instead I sit here at my computer and can't find the motivation or energy to go out and walk, so by unday I will again be unfit and find it exhausting! A circular pattern and no-one to help me to break out of it...

[Photogeek in reply to secondhandrose2]

Hi Sue

Just thinking about your wanting to do Bit of waking or excercise during

The week, rather than a bit outing on Sunday.

Have you ever thought of buying either a stationary bike or a treadmill. Now

I know this is indoor , but you could try and do even 30 mins a day on either

Either watch TV or listen Music, Sue you might not like this idea but

It might be worth considering . Those stationery bikes are good as

They are eSy in the joints.

Hannah x

[secondhandrose2 in reply to Photogeek]

Hi Hannah

Thanks for thinking of me, that's nice of you

Would you believe we had an £1,100 treadmill and got rid of it only a few years ago when we put the house on the market ready to downsize - now we have still not managed to sell the house but have lost some of the things we used and loved - never again, anyone who views will have to take us as we are!

I wouldn't buy another treadmill - the cheap ones are total rubbish and the expensive ones are expensive! I can't use a bike, it sets off my sciatica immediately, even the reclining ones, so that's out. The treadmill at the gym is the obvious answer and if I can get back my motivation that's what I will do as I am paying for gym membership but not using it...

Thanks though. xxx

[Hidden]

Ya, you sumwhat hit it there on the head Sue, finding the motivation! that's the killer and we all constently need to find help along that route in what ever way that can help.

Wish I could come help with the walking, mind you, you would never here my voice and I would probably keep diving into the bushes every few minutes :-).

your always here being so supportive, I hope more of what you need soon comes your way xxxxxxxxxxx

[secondhandrose2 in reply to Hidden]

diving into the bushes?? The mind boggles (I assume you mean what the US call 'a comfort stop' - me too then Yes I would love to find someone locally to go regular walking with, just a few miles twice a week would get me feeling a lot fitter but doing it alone kills me - well not literally but it kills my motivation... x

[Hidden in reply to secondhandrose2]

no, I would be diving in the bushes to hide at the moment! somthing I do a lot.

It's frustrating really to think there could be someone near to you that would love to walk out in your area, but it's so hard finding them!

The more advance our society becomes the more secluded our communities seem to get, tis a crazy world.

xxx

[secondhandrose2 in reply to Hidden]

Oh to hide - who from? I agree - the world is crazy, we all live in our little boxes and wonder why we become lonely depressed and ill... xxx

[Stilltrying_]

Monib your post makes total sense and is so true. I am not being facetious here at all but sometimes I have even got therapy from going to a shop and talking to the assistant there. Helpful people exist in all places in all areas of society. Sometimes the professionals can help less than the postman and sometimes they are good and it is just the right thing for you. Really we need a broad perspective but for me sensitivity genuineness and willingness and openness will always be top of my list and those people may be found in any arena. They are like angels coming into our lives when we most need them. Gemmalouise X

[Hidden in reply to Stilltrying_]

ah what a lovely way of putting it Gem, now I like to picture all the lovely little angles that are waiting to be invited into all of our lives!

Moni xxx

[Suzie40]

I totally agree with this post. People can help to build your confidence and self worth without any kind of therapy training. I think some people naturally have it in them to make other people feel better x

[SLSL]

The two weeks under home "care" we're not helpful for me. None of the individuals I met or spoke to on the phone had any display of empathy or understanding.

I got this from my neighbour a 71 year old lady who decided to come into my life the moment I had the breakdown she drove me to hospital, she took two of my rabbits in so I only have to look after two instead of four now, she helped me clean the hutches today (I'm 36 and she is there scribbling away) and she says don't worry I do it out of love, please don't worry.

You don't even have to tell your music teacher what caused you to be so anxious. He simply understands. He knows intuitively. He would rather spend his time teaching you, than some over-ambitious arty-farty.

When we find someone who wants to support us, we have to let them, and good things happen.

Well done on mastering Bach's piece and don't worry if you don't play it allegro enough next time. Let the piece just reflect your pace on that day.

Do you play Beethoven?

Bless you Moni. X

[Hidden in reply to SLSL]

Hi Silke, missed you yesterday and went off to bed hoping all was OK! I have been sleeping a little more for the last two nights, so feeling so much better, hence I think I may have been babbling a little too much again!!!

yes I do play some Beethoven, I did the first two movements of theMoonlight and a little bit of pathetque some years back and would love to do the third movement, but that will be on the shelf for a long while yet. I just got the new ABRSM sylibus and have decided to do the last grade that I already passed, I have three years while this sylibus lasts, so if I ever feel brave enough I could try the exam, but we are not heading for it really, just working to bring the peices to that standard. Its me that puts that pressure on, not my teacher, he just chats to me sometimes to find out how far I want to take something and then helps me get there.

moni xxx

[Hidden in reply to SLSL]

I know what you mean about the arty-farty types (LOL), but then you read about how obsessed they are and the mental torture they also put themselves through to do that climb.

I don't know if you saw it, but a few years back there was a wonderful documentry on Vanessa Mai, I have adored her for years. i think its also still on you tube? anyway its on the Nature or Nurture debate, they did tests to see which parts of her brain did what and stuff like that, it was fasinating and the conclusion was that these child prodagies spend every hour of the day playing at the most critical time of brain development, until they have got to that stage of excellence.

I guess the reason that you can only have the 'child prodagy' rather than the adult is also linked up with the development of our brains, we all have those caperbilities but by the time we are over the first few years we have then developed other parts of the brain that will forever link to one another, (if that makes sense?)

anyway it's a great documentry if anyone is interested in the working of training our brains.

xx

[Hidden]

Good post Moni. It certainly made me think. I have realised that this is what good and true friends do for you as well. When I took driving lessons my first instructer was so short tempered I found myself freezing with panic. When I changed to a new instructer he was so patient and good humoured that I was able to relax a lot more. I also fell for him but that is another story. xx

[Hidden in reply to Hidden]

Hi Cough, your driving intructor bought a story to mind! it wasn't until my 20's/30's that I went back to school, I remember one of the math classes where someone was having drifficulties, the teacher tried to explain again but she just didn't get it, so the idiot of a teacher turned round and said 'well your just not very bright then!!!'.

I went aghead for a few more years and one of the subjects i did was a pure math A level as I adour the suject so much, I was lucky I had the head of Maths teaching. You could garentee that every time he explained to the class the question, I would be sitting there saying I just don't get it!! he would then come over, say, look forget all that, look at the problem this way and took a differnt approach, thanks to him I came away with a B in that one, and that was because I messed up one of the major questions in the exam! so sometimes Us idiots rule!

Fortunately I think with teachers whom I have so much admaration for, there are by far more good ones than bad, but sadly for those that are unlucky it just takes one out of hand comment to to pile on a mountain of damage and all too often, like the driving instructor you had, not every one realises it's NOT them and finds a better one.

xxxx I had great fun helping my kids through school, not because I knew the subjects so much, but becauseI was lucky to have met a teacher who taught me a little about what teaching actually was.xxxx