Dude, So not Awesome.

[missbelle]

Hey everyone. I feel like I am having difficulty expressing myself lately. I am going to try right now. Feel like my walls are up big time. I feel incredibly terrible. Not anxious. Just damn terrible. Depressed. Ugh.

I feel pressure to finish projects. I feel like my projects are being created for no reason. The pressure of money coming in versus art going out is not equalizing. I think if I had more time it would work better. On top of this I have a part time job that takes up so much energy.

I am tired of the survival struggle.

And on top of that I feel self hate and the need to be thinner as I will be doing some modelling soon. I really dislike modelling. Blagh.

Got to hustle hustle to make ends meet.

A couple days I felt like giving up...and I don't know how I could come to that possibilty since I need to survive, but somehow the hustle isn't worth the surviving sometimes. And so I hate to say this on a board but I would rather not do the fight.

But I will and do of course. I just wish it wasn't at the expense of my mental health.

When a woman has no money going in and she can use her body to make ends meet then unfortunately I feel the need to turn to that. But I hate it.

I feel I can't share these things with friends.

I already made the mistake of doing so recently and through seemingly spreading sadness I have put up my walls again. I hate to make people sad.

But when I cannot express I find it hard to keep going.

I hate being poor. I hate worrying about how I will feed myself, how I don't have change for the bus to get to work and I will have to walk for an hour and a half.

I just want to have things a little bit easier.

Sorry for my rant.

Blegh.

-M

[missbelle]

Please feel free to remove this post. I have no place to really express my difficulties of this nature...there aren't many places that I can. And to get help, in my experience is a long process in which nothing much is done.

I have experience trying to get help. I live in Canada.

It takes weeks to get help. And I can't turn to friends. Everyone turns away at issues like this. Should you read this and are offended I give you full acceptance of its removal. I just needed to put this out there.

I am a mature person suffering with pain and making the right decisions about it.

Just ugh...

[Stilltrying_]

Missbelle, I have had a look at some of your posts. It seems you are an amazingly creative person who has also suffers from very deep feelings of sadness. I hope this is not out of order me saying what I am about to say as really you do come across as amazing but from the point of view of helping you with your moods have you considered the idea that you may be bi-polar as the way you feel and express yourself I feel this could be a possibility. You express yourself very much like a friend of mine who is the most lovely person. She does not thinkshe is bi-polar but other people think she is. At the end of the day we are all individuals but sometimes my feeling is if you can put a name to something that is making life very difficult for you it is easier to work at getting a balance.

Please feel free to ignore my comments if they are "off beam".

I don't see anything wrong with your post. You are being honest and I can't see that any boundaries have been crossed. If it helps then express yourself on here though you are right that if boundaries ARE crossed then admin may remove but this would only be for your own or others safety or well being; it would never be for a nasty reason and i'm pretty sure they would say first.

You seem very emotional and struggling and I really feel for you. Sending you lots of hugs

Hugs ((((()))))))

Gemma louise XXx

[missbelle in reply to Stilltrying_]

Hi Gemma Louise. Thanks for your amazing thoroughness in reading me. Although I did once wonder if I was bipolar, I went to get a diagnosis and I was diagnosed with panic disorder and depression. The road to getting diagnosed for bipolar is a long one. I ended up getting too exhausted to keep waiting for a that particular diagnosis in between the survival struggle. My guess is that perhaps I do not have it but time might tell me differently through the process of getting mental help. Just takes some time. I've done a bit more artwork for clients tonight. I find it takes me longer than I guessed to finish. Tomorrow I plan on going to the gym to gain mental strength so I don't get lethargic.

I do suffer from deep inner sadness. I am considering just going back on my meds even if it is taking away from rent money this month.

I have taken paxil for my anxiety. I found it helped me. I am off it now but I am not suffering from daily panic attacks any more.

Your comments are completely wonderful. And I am completely open to them. Thankyou for your recommendation in checking to see if I am bipolar. I haven't ruled it out completely.

Thanks Again, Gemma Louise.

[Stilltrying_]

Oh that's fine I'm glad you managed to get some more artwork done. So sorry about the sadness and I do understand and hope you can hang on in there and get the help you need. XXXX

[baxie]

Missbelle, this is exactly the place to express your feelings over your difficulties, as hopefully you will realize you are not alone, and take strength from the support on this forum.

How is mental health support in Canada? Are there any support groups in your area. I say this a lot, but these support groups of fellow sufferers are a great source of support.

You say you are under pressure to finish projects and that you feel they are created for no reason, are these your own personal projects, or something for work? If they are something for work, I would say persevere, as this is a means to an end, meaning earning money to keep going, and to give you time to do your own projects.

I do not know what art you do, but do you show it to people, do you have a website or some outlet to let people see your work?

It is easy for me to say "if you don't like modelling then don't do it", but I am not in your situation, however if you are feeling self hatred because you think you have to be thinner, then it is not worth it. You are perfect they way you are, and should not have to change to fit someone elses self image problems.

I hope you find something to help you, and I hope you do not have to go to extremes to survive.

Take care.