Feel so down

Had a massive argument with my partner last night, long story short he said I cry for everything and that is why he never 'pets me up' (I could sit crying like a baby and he will just ignore me). I understand where he is coming from I really do, but my emotions are something that I cannot control.

He then blamed our house being a mess on me saying it was my job to sort the mess in question out!! He only works part time and I am not one of those people who will make his tea for him coming in (when I used to work full time there wasn't even a clean cup when I came home!) so I am not going to be doing the chores all by myself. He only cleans his dishes if I keep asking him and he uses this against me saying I nag him.

If he lies to me and I get angry he ends up saying I like arguing and fails to see why I get upset when he isn't honest with me.

I don't know what to do, he was the only person in my life who understood me, and now it seems like that was all a fabrication. I love him to death, but he will never give me the benefit of the doubt, I am always to blame regardless of the reason for our arguments. We are also struggling for money and he got a dig in about that saying I get more than him after bills! (This isn't untrue but he would never split money before so what does he want me to do? Also, I buy our child's stuff as he will only buy her stuff if it is essential such as school uniform, food etc he never buys clothes unless they are on sale and even that is very rare.

I feel guilty writing about him I feel like I am betraying him, but I don't know where else to go. My family will just tell me to leave him or 'make him' do stuff around the house. This will not happen I just need to learn to deal with him for who he is.

[ava17]

This is hard. Have you tried going to relate or a couples counselling session together.... Or would he just huff at that suggestion. For me life is so short i know I'm in the deepest depth of depression trying to fight this battle, but if he isn't making you happy you need to ask yourself how long can this carry on for. My friend was in the same position 20 years together she packed his stuff and threw him out only then did realise what he stood to loose and made amendments and believe me he was a moody stubborn thing. Sometimes a wake up call such as this is needed to get them to listen And get out of the comfort zone. All the best Ava x

[Hidden in reply to ava17]

Hi ava13, thank you for your reply.

I actually suggested couples counselling today thanks to your post (checked on my phone hence the late reply) and my partner agreed to it if we could get it free (we are struggling with money at the moment). This made me feel very optimistic as I was told by my CBT therapist that MIND offer free couples counselling, however having checked online it is £15 a session and there is absolutely no way we could even afford a single session :-(. I might still go for individual couselling though as that is free and they may be able to give me some advice.

I understand the whole concept of me not staying with him just because I love him, but when I am not down (Which is not very often - but does still occur) we get on just fine. I feel like my depression and his lack of understanding have seriously affected our relationship.

My closest friend told me the kick him out and then it will shock him too, but he is a very stubborn person and I am scared he would not come back. Not only that but the amount of times I have said we are over or told him to get out - and then retracted it within hours is too much to count.

Thank you very much for taking the time to reply.

[Suzie40]

Have you thought about listening to your family a bit more?his guy sounds like an idiot ...

[Hidden in reply to Suzie40]

Thank you for your reply Lucy34, he certainly can be, but he is not a bad person overall. I love him and we have a child together, I really don't want to throw that all away.

My best bet would be to probably just 'get on with it' as I cannot change him, but it is so difficult when I feel like he does not respect me. If only I was normal again.

Thank you very much for replying.

[brookechookie]

Try mindfulness techniques: healthunlocked.com/anxietys...

It helps people understand how to control and accept their emotions.

[brookechookie]

It sounds like you are both stressed. It also sounds like you have high expectations of him and he is letting you down. If you want things to work, he needs to decide to change... you trying to get him to may only come across as nagging and make him want to avoid the situation or deny it. Counselling would really help.

[brookechookie]

I think you need calm and controlled discussions and try to be civil, open-minded and level-headed with one another. Both parties need to try harder to make it work and not blame the other, no matter what is whose fault....finding a way to compromise... is most important...

I hope this makes sense and helps....

[Hidden in reply to brookechookie]

Hi brookechookie,

Thank you very much for your replies, I will look have a look at that link, is it like CBT?

We both are very stressed but it appears that I am his cause of stress, which really upsets me as I can't help the way I feel about things. He even got a dig in about me liking the rain but not liking to get my hair wet as if that was such an unusual occurrence!

I also cannot see how I have high expectations of him (in regards to housework etc), I would just appreciate his share, he has never even once even bathed our 7 year!

Also, I agree counselling would be very beneficial, but we are not in the situation to be able to afford it and this will not change unless my partner gets a new job which he is struggling with.

I have however contacted MIND to see if I am able to get individual counselling with them and am awaiting a reply. Failing that I will go back to CBT again.

We have been ok since Thursday, he has taken back a few things that he said but as usual my mind is wondering if he truly meant them as he was angry at the time, but on the other hand I say things when angry that I definitely do not mean.

I really appreciate your input