i feel so low

hello. new on here. dont know where to start but i will give it a go. i have been suffering from depression and anxiety for many years. there is so much going on in my mind. feelings of guilt all the time and that i dont deserve to live and feeling so sure that other people think the same that they just want me to evaporate. dont know of what bits of my thoughts are right and whats the depression. i feel so low especially when i wake up and so scared of life. i withdraw from everyone cant cope with even opening a tin of soup sometimes or doing the dishes without crying. i really hate myself. everything with going where people are make me so anxous and ill. i have been on so many different pills and had lots of therapy but nothing has worked. if i didnt have my animals especially my dogs i would just give up. i am so thankfull for what ive got and know there are people worse of and i feel guilty for feeling so low. the past hurts so much and comes out in my dreams then wake up feeling low and really anxous. just dont know how to stop feeling like this. i have had ambalance called for me alot because of self harming and taking to much pills while bingedrinking and ended up in a cell a few times and that makes me more guilty for the trouble i cause. thanks for reading.

[uchaf]

Try and see if you can identify things in your past that may relate to how you are feeling now.

I started to try to identify why I reacted in certain ways I.e low esteem and traced it to early childhood, it is starting to make sense now. Makes me feel better that I found a reason.

Keep your head up its not easy but do try.

[Hidden in reply to uchaf]

I really agree with this point of view, knowing why feelings are there does make it easier to cope with them a lot of the time and at least there is an explanation which makes sense

[copdber]

Justme , welcome to the site I'm glad you found it. Uchaf have given you some good advice about trying to identify things in your past that may relate to your present feelings. Guilt and depression go hand and hand I'm afraid. I'm sure there will be more come on to welcome you and share their experiences with you. Keep talking here I find just writing about whats troubling me helps. Sometimes it helps to me to work out what it is because my thoughts and feelings can get a bit jumbled when there left to run wild in my head.

[Photogeek]

Hi there, sorry you are going through such a bad patch, I know what you mean about the animals keeping us alive. My cat kept me going when I was at rock bottom. I kept going for her, anyway, I think one Good GP is important, someone who understands your situation. So maybe try and get one you can talk to. How about writing down the main things that you think are affecting you. It clears things to write them down.

You have no reason to feel guilty but I know that feeling, its awful, you are ill, and guilt is a part of Depression. Just tackle one thing at a time, try and do one thing to change your situation even it only giving dog a good brush or bringing them to the park. Its hard when so many things are flying around in your mind. Try and get through today, and keep coming back here, as this site has really helped me.

Love

Hannah

[Gambit62]

Recognise a lot of what you are saying - as will a lot of people here.

My depression is recurrent - don't think I'm unipolar but I have periods of being okay intersperced with periods of not being okay ... sometimes that makes it a bit easier for me because I know that it is a questions of just putting one foot infront of the other for a while until the lights are turned back on ... but sometimes that also puts a cloud over the better periods. I remember my boyfriend once asking me if I was happy and I just really felt like a rabbit in headlights. He was just asking about that moment but it felt like such a big question and it was really frightening to admit the possibility that I could be happy - like tempting those pesky gods of despair

Keep blogging.

[FallenAngel]

I feel so bad for you , I feel the same iv just given up on my 5th diff type of pills that dont work. I would say what people have said to me , this is a terrible illness , i too like you find the smallest jobs at home hard work , im lonely and I hate waking up in the morning thinking gosh facing another terrible day, Its hard there are NO easy answers , I too need to be able to help my animals but its an effort,

I have 2 new app to see councellors , but I am not holding out much hope , talking has never helped me , neither have drugs , For the first time in 20 years I have stated to self harm , its shameful isnt it but its part of our illness , Life is hard work everyday I wish I was dead . I hope things get better soon xx