Being depressed vs not being depressed.

[ilovemusic]

Hi everybody. Does anyone else feel almost like two different people when they are depressed vs when they are not? I feel like the majority of my adult life has been shrouded in depression, but then there are the times when I have gotten these bursts of feeling alive and actually really enjoy life.

When I'm not depressed, I wonder how I could've ever felt so terrible when life is so amazing. When I'm depressed, I wonder how I could've ever felt so good when life is so terrible. When I'm not depressed, I usually love or like myself. When I'm depressed, I hate myself at worst and feel numb about myself at best. When I'm not depressed, I feel like the bridge between my soul and my brain is connected. When I'm depressed, I feel like the bridge is broken. And on and on it goes...it's almost like I switch between my "alive" self and my "dead" self. I miss my alive self.

[Iluvhorses]

I'm sorry you have to go,through this. Depression is terrible. I still have it now, but remember when I was at my lowest. I felt disconnected from the world. I tried to hide it but couldn't. People noticed and thought I was crazy especially since I have OCD as well. Do you take meds or see a therapist? Is There anything in your life that helps you to forget your problems? I have a strong faith in God and He is the reason I have joy in my life. It's fine if you don't share my beliefs though.

[ilovemusic in reply to Iluvhorses]

Thanks, mbvu. I've been on zoloft for a while but it isn't packing the same punch it used to. And since I got on birth control a couple months ago my depression has become my constant companion, rather than a sometimes one. Saw a therapist last week and she seems so nice.

Organized religion isn't for me but if it brings you happiness then good. Take care and thanks again for the response!

[Iluvhorses in reply to ilovemusic]

Is there anything you're passionate about? I love horses so I always have something to look forward to since I frequently go to a horse rescue. Maybe you can find something like that for yourself if you haven't already.

[Olderal]

That sounds like classic bipolar 2 depression. In other words it fits me pretty well,except that generally I was "undepressed" (either normal or hypomanic ) for on average 18 months at a time before another spell of depression hit, for usually about 6 months. Therefore I did n't feel most of my adult life was shrouded in depression, only about 25% of it.

As I've aged I've got better at coping with the depression and since retiring several years ago the pressures are far less .The normal and hypomanic phases remain just as enjoyable. I've found the medical people,particularly the psychiatrists worry about the hypomanic spells as they think one could tip over into full blown mania,but as that has never happened,I don't worry too much about it and just enjoy the hypomanic spells most of all.

You'll probably find that you get better at coping with the depressive spells and with any luck they'll find the right drugs for you and it will get even easier.

Olderal

[ilovemusic]

Hey Olderall, thanks, I wouldn't say it's bipolar. I don't get hypo-manic or manic. It's just in comparison to being depressed, not being depressed afterwards feels amazing, like my brain has been scrubbed clean and I can see beauty again. I actually sort of envy yr hypo-manic phases because they sound fun! Haha. And if I don't know what I'm talking about forgive me. There's a documentary by Stephen Fry from monty python about being bipolar. Forget what it's called but I found it really interesting. A lot of the people interviewed didn't want meds because despite the dark times they didn't want to lose their highs. Wow, those must be some highs....I'm actually jealous! Haha. Is that how you feel about meds too? Just curious. And by the way I don't mean to trivialize 6 month periods of depression. That's a long while to endure depression and does not sound easy.