inactive and totally severely depressed since November 2012

[yogaros]

Hello to you all

Just want to share my current experience of depression which is very bad. Yes I am in a high state of anxiety and panic every waking hour with heavy pain in my heart and solar plexus. My blood pressure has gone high racing away. I taught yoga for 12 years and was passionate about it, but have been in a very controlling relationship and only just realising this. I have given up teaching and practicing and become totally inactive I have left and gone back many times and my lovely family are desperate to help but I am not taking any action myself, I am utterley desolate and without hope! I have just put things in car for the seventh time, to go back to mums, and feel I am going crazy, We have just renovated our cottage and it is absolutely beautiful.... a dream home..........but it means nothing to me.

My husband tells ME what I think!!!!!!!!!! I am walking on eggshells all the time, he critizes me constantly, watches what I do and I have to cook very late at night (cooked dinners) while he goes to the pub, controls everything!!!!! When he speaks to me a lot of the time my solar plexus churns because I have to agree with him when my opinion is different to his/ Yes I feel I would be better off dead, but could not do this to all thoses who love me. This has happened insidiously over the years and my self has been destroyed. I am on low dose of meds but very against them, and seeing a counsellor, which is slow work and I am in a state every time I go, crying crying crying. Why cant I make decisions, get myself moving, its like I have pressed a self destruct button.

HOW DO YOU GET THROUGH THIS, SHOULD I GO, .....................sorry for this torrent of my lifes stuff but they say it helps to write to others love to all yogaros

[Aurora-auspice]

Ooooh Yogaros I was a trainer in the sport industry and loved it! I totally hear what you are saying and so desperately feel for you as was forced to give up through what started as severe depression exactly as you describe. I don't know whether it is fortunate or not but I have no children after a few horrid events in my life and had extremely controlling and emotionally unavailable partner for many many years though with him it is probably Aspergers now that I have found out more about the condition!!!

I had a series of short counselling support and one self-esteem and assertion course but all to no avail. I became extremely suicidal, gained weight became so inactive totally contrary to my very active life and took a myriad of anti-depressants looking for the one that would work so that I could find myself again!

I have heard many people at the drop-ins I've visited at Mind, Survivors etc similar stories and those that have come through it successfully have ranged from:-

those that finally found the right level of and type of anti-depressant with time and a good understanding doctor,

those with a combination of talking therapy and classes even returning to education retraining getting better or just new careers - with or without meds,

Those that, with support changed their situation and managed to make a stand enough to be equals in their relationships and life to respect their own physical, emotional and psychological needs as much as the controlling person they are overshadowed and overwhelmed by,

Relationship counsellor and/or alcohol and or anger management for partners'

And those like me who tried them all for many years and attacked them under watchful eye of caring doctor and psychologist and medication and just got worse with every attempt until finally after over seven years of the right people observing me and interpreting my behaviours they allowed me to get assessed for Aspergers and that led to diagnosis of very high functioning autism with severe ADHD traits and referral to a Psychiatrist who specialises in Adult ADHD and a diagnosis of co-existing ADHD which I am now medicated for. Oddly the stimulant medication is now making me able to think clearer be more proactive less forgetful better sleep patterns and realise how much of my tendency to be overly 'obedient' and tolerant of abusive domineering behaviour toward me even though I want to just run away and it hurts me so deeply is due to my Aspergers and now I need to learn what is acceptable and when it isn't what to do about it and how to go about that!

If that makes any sense at

You may find a totally different route and better support. I hope you find the patience to stick with it long enough to find what it is that will work for you! Even if it means a complete life change and all that entails!!!

I wish you every success take care of yourself much love and hugs, Aurora xxx

[Gambit62]

Really feel for you.

It is horrible to be in a relationship where you are actually stopped from being yourself.

My ex controlled me in subtle ways - through his insecurities. He turned me into a monster in his head and I felt as if I was turning into that monster and didn't know who I was any more. He left and although it was really painful and hugely stressful (and depressing) at the time I'm really glad he did because it made it possible for me to realise that he had been controlling me and that I could be myself again, though there was a lot of insecurity and fear around the divorce and the possibility of losing my home. And the divorce went on for years in limbo because he started procedings and then stopped because he wanted to go for a no-fault divorce. There's a bit of me that regrets not putting a line under it at the earlier point and starting divorce procedings against him as that had destroyed the marriage totally anyway. However, we can't go back and change the past.

My gut is screaming out that you should get out and stay out but I know that is really difficult and it may not be the right thing for you.

[yogaros]

To Aurora and Gambit......I really appreciate you taking time to comment here, and Aorora I wrote you a big reply yesterday, pressed a button by mistake and it was gone! I am frozen again as I have been for several months now, changing my mind and literally feeling why am I here, my life will never be right again, there is such massive negativity, I cant even get myself to go out, or be active in any way, I just sit and make cups of tea. Took some stuff back to mums though that I had bought it all home only a few days ago, and now I really think this procedure will send me utterly bonkers.

Yes Gambit what happens is he upsets me and \ am definitely leaving and then he does something where I think he cares and am always being confused he says he loves me

I am scared at my family's home because I do even less, I hate myself for being so messed up. Everyone on here has their story to tell, but what is unbearable to me is that you have to do it yourself and I just have not got the wherewithal don't know where to start. I so envy those strong women who have left and started new lives, I am telling myself I am one of those who fail and don't make it and that life is finished for me. Aurora, I see online you are a wonderful supportive 'nurse' to lots of us online and Gambit its great you have overcome your

unhealthy marriage Today it will take me hours of sitting and being frightened of going to the opticians..............to work out some clothes to wear, that's all I will think about for 5 hours till I have to go out. I feel like just driving forever, anywhere and never getting out my car again I am a rabbit in the headlights, just want the winter back where I can hibernate, its dark the sun does not shine and mock me ,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,where have I gone? why cant I find the road back? | have found this site and it is a relief to talk to those of you lovely enough to care and listen.............thank you both xxxxxxxxxxxlove Rosalyn

[redroseart]

hi yogarus i dont think you should stay in your relationship. anyone can say i love you. clearly he does not mean it. he sounds very manipulative the quicker you get out the better for your mental health. also are you on any medication? please make an appointment with your gp who will be able to help you with some anti depressants and counselling.

[Hidden]

Hi

I'm sorry things are so awful for you and have been for some time.

You have clearly been living in an emotionally abusive relationship! Abusers almost always have a lovely side to them as well, that's how come people get involved with them in the first place.

I am wondering why you go back to him. You have the strength to leave but it seems something prevents you from holding onto the knowledge that you need to be out of the relationship. I wonder what that is. I am wondering how your parents respond to what's going on, whether they are supportive of you when you leave or whether they don't understand what the problem is, whether they are passive and simply let you appear and disappear with your stuff, otr whether they help you leave and then help you to go back.

You have obviously learned to allow yourself to be abused and I am wondering who you learned that from. Being a victim and allowing yourself to be bullied is not a healthy position to be in, it will be very painful for you and lower your self-esteem. I wonder when you were first a victim, in what relationship you were first bullied. When you understand something about what yourself and why you went into an abusive relationship in the first place then you will be in a better position to keep yourself out of it.

You say you have a lovely cottage, you are married and should have a legal right to half of it. Instead of coming and going you would be better to see a solicitor at a time when you have left and start divorce proceedings - that might shake your husband up but even if it does he will resume abusing you unless he seeks help for himself. If you cannot face starting divorce proceedings then that suggests you are frightened, either of asserting yourself against someone who seems stronger than you and bullies you, or you are frightened of being out of the marriage and perhaps the idea of being back home or being alone as your only choices.

There are a lot of issues that may be involved in your bouncing back and forth. One good way of finding out what's going on is to see someone from Relate, they charge according to your means and you do not have to go with a partner. If you have the money to see a marrriage counsellor privately that would be an option and might be quicker. I did that recently myself and it was really useful, most marriage counsellors are ex-Relate whose training is excellent and often the private ones have a lot of experience of looking at relationships and the issues behind them.

Do seek help in that way. You are clearly not stupid and to allow yourself to continue to be abused is not good for you. Why give him power?

I am sorry if I sound harsh but sympathy will not help you gain strength. You know how to leave and you know it's bad for you to go back. You are the only one who can decide not to, but talking through with a therapist or counsellor WHY you keep going back may help you to understand and break the pattern.

Suexxx

[yogaros]

oh dear Sue you are so right and thankyou thankyou thankyou for taking time to type out a reply for me. We have been together 37years and there have been 100's of occasions where I have been abused and pushed and called and controlled and I am rung up to be checked on and I cannot ask his where he goes, he controls nearly everything, but has a snake charming way. I never learned to set boundaries and had little physical affection when little and although I thought I had a very happy childhood playing with my close sister, my father was a manic depressive and I lived to please him, so there's something going off there which is hard to accept when you are nearly 60 years of age. I am seeing a counsellor but I had this self destruct mode where something tells me I am so weak I cannot go through this it will destroy me.

Everyone I know tells me the same thing and they have seen how he treats me and not many people can come around because I have to cook at night and IF I do go out the atmosphere and questioning is awful and sets my stomach churning.

Two of my sisters hate him with a vengeance because he has shown violence towards them shouting and abusive language//////////////////////////////

Where can I get some anger from I am turning into myself and into total mass of paralysed fear.

What I miss most is the passion and dedication to teaching Yoga that he has killed and destroyed and yet this practice should help me through, I have lost all interest.

I will bring up why I keep going back and leaving, HUGS AND LOVE AND THANK YOU FOR TAKING TIME TO GIVE ADVICE, I need lots of it to reinforce and help me get the strength to go ahead and move forward. love and light Rosalyn