I am depressed and so scared...

I think am depressed...

I am a female teenager. I have completely lost interest in things I used to be passionate about, which has been very upsetting for me because I had a hobby that I put my heart and soul (and about 12 hours a week) into that now I have no interest in. I played the violin and piano passionately, hours a day, and now it's unusual for me to play for an hour a week. I often cry myself to sleep or worry constantly while lying in bed. I find faults in everything I do. I have lost my appetite- I eat maybe about half as much as I did before. I feel very self conscious about my body and have lost motivation to do things like sports because of this. I am always tired and rarely even have enough energy to spend time with my very best friend. We are extremely close and do everything together. We always are starting an exciting new project, but I lose the energy and motivation to work on it very quickly. I haven't told anyone about what is happening, not even my closest friend. She is moving, which I'm sure made my depression worse, although I don't think it is the only cause. I am rarely truly happy, and if I am it never lasts long. If I ever am alone with my thoughts, they always turn rotten and I can never think happy thoughts or anything. I have lost interest in social media and staying in touch with my friends. I find it so hard to concentrate on homework and reading, which I have never, ever had a problem with before. I get stressed out over everything. I never physically harm myself, though. That is not a worry for me, and I don't think it ever will be. I'm not that kind of person.

My mom and her family used to be depressed.

I wish I could get help.

But I am scared to tell my parents.

I have a very different relationship with my parents. They are super nice, but turn super mean in a second, and I am scared of them. I think they think I am happy. I do my best to hide my feelings. I have never been comfortable sharing anything with them. I cannot even begin to imagine telling them. I honestly don't think I could. I really don't think anything could change that. Honestly, thinking of telling them just makes me more depressed. That just really isn't an option for me right now, so please try not to ask me to tell them, that isn't what I'm looking for right now. I also always doubt myself- 'Am I really depressed or am I making this up?' constantly going through my head. I would that if I was trying to tell them. I wouldn't want them to worry about nothing. I have second thoughts about everything these days, actually.

This experience is making me feel weak and useless. My parents get very mad at me a lot- I have heard "What is wrong with you?!?!?" said so many times I get shaky when I hear it. I don't think they realize how much it scares me when they get mad.

So, my question. What do I do? Is there anything online that can help me? Does anyone have any other suggestions? Even just some encouraging words would help.

I'm sorry for this long, detailed post. It felt really good to get it all into words since I have had it all bottled up for weeks. I hope this helps me on my journey to feeling better.

Thank you so, so much for your help.

Edit:

Although I have never taken lessons, I am really into singing. For some reason I have become more into singing than I was before. I use singing as an escape from the world sometimes, and it is one of the few things I am proud and confident about at the moment. It just helps me to be happier when I sing. It makes me feel happier with myself, and sometimes I feel more motivated to do things afterwards. I think this is a sign of getting better

[CarolineLondon]

Starshine this is all fixable.

Firstly can I say I can feel you panic and worry it oozes out of what you've written.

A few important things to note being, a teenager means a time of BIG change even as a young adult your body is going through all sorts of changes, mainly hormonal and your hormones will get you everytime! So there's nothing, I repeat NOTHING wrong with you. That said your emotions are really important. May I suggest you go to your doctors and ask if you could see a councellor, just for this short period.

Im creative like you, but and artist not musician and I can't create when I'm depressed so don't worry the music will come back but for now just let it go. Its important you feel calmer and let your self off the big stuff. Right now your best is to move slowly you'll get further, quicker in the end. When you do feel a little more in control, start slowly to listen to new types of music, go to small live gigs and talk to other musicians the music will return but thats for much later, for now don't worry about it , you have enough on your plate.

I admire you so much I wish I could play an instrument, my love is Jazz. I used to go to Jazz school and I can tell you the musicians were amongst the smartest, most talented, witty people in their 60/ 70's/ 80 etc I've ever met. Your music will help you and carry you through your entire life, so WELL DONE!

Also understand that to tap into your creativity you are always going to be sensitive its how you create so its just a matter of trying to manage that sensitivity in your low moments. A councellor will listen to you and hopefully help you find some ways to cope. The people on here are very good with coping skills and doubtless you will get good advice.

For now deep breaths, know it will be alright but the road maybe a bit bumpy for now and you need to be kind to yourself and move slowly. Notice your triumphs, those times when you get out of bed and you go out and meet your friend, or those times you can smile at butterfly and they will increase in number. When you fall down DONT and repeat DONT be down on yourself. There is NOTHING wrong with you, you just aren't getting the support you need right now.

One more thing and I'll shut up, about Parents, often in life we don't get the parents we need to flourish. You soon learn Parents and your relationship with them is something you merely have to manage. My advice, don't look to your parents anymore for support (if they end up supporting you emotionally great). However I would suggest it's your friends, people here and maybe a professional councellor who will give you the support you need. I'm sure your parents are good people and they are probably doing their best, but for you right now their best isn't good enough. You're doing a very good job with them but right now you need people around you with good advice, help and support.

Things will get better and soon. Hang in there and look for help where you can find it. You have a right to life, a right to happiness and peace of mind and you are though you may not feel it now, you are worthy and truly wonderful human being. As I said you'll get good advice from the others here.

Thank you so much for sharing.

Right now you are doing a really good job, just keep going Starshine, keep going until someone stops you!....Keep on going Angel each day is a small but significant triumph.

You have such great things ahead of you, time and youth is one thing you cant buy, go easy on yourself for now XXX

ALL my Love xx

[Hidden in reply to CarolineLondon]

Thank you so much. This truly brought tears to my eyes. Reading this was so encouraging. Whenever I am down I am going to think of this message. I think half my problem was that I hadn't told anyone. I think the scariest thing for me was my loss of interest in my hobbies, because they truly were my life. Would it not be a good idea to force myself back into them? I feel like I should try to just play the violin for an hour or something, but I don't know if that's a good idea. I was very relieved to hear you say that when things get better I will regain interest in them.

Now that I have this support I feel so much better. I was feeling incompetent and worthless, and this lifted my spirits so much. Thank you!!

[CarolineLondon in reply to Hidden]

You're welcome.

I wouldn't suggest you force anything, if you don't feel like playing dont play.

2 things, when I was young I didn't have access to computers if you can imagine that. So it wasn't until I was in my late 20s I bumped into them. When I was learning it was hard going, as often I was teaching myself, the thing is this, those times when I was away from the computer (days at a time), those were the times I suddenly really understood what I was trying to learn, things fell into place.

So sometimes giving your brain space isn't a bad thing, when you go back you may be surprised how focused you are and how much better you play!

I can tell you this for certain as it works for me and has for lots of famous artists. When you're ready soak yourself in music especially new types of music, try listening to everything. Even if you don't think you'll like it, try new bands, new composers. I really love Kate Bush if you look at her early written music its extrordinary and very complicated. Take it back to sounds and how sounds happen, use this time to experiment with what make noise, tins, glasses etc look at people like the The Owl Project or groups like The Penguin Cafe who use different sounds in there music.

If you don't feel like listening to music, start reading about musicians lives, they lead extrodinary lives, never boring! Or watch films about musicians.

This isn't about forcing your creativity but re-igniting your excitement.

It really is all fine. You will be up and down because you're growing and changing, apparently we don't stop growing until we are in our 30's and your brain doesn't stop developing full stop.

I'd also like to suggest you look at forums where teens talk about music. Maybe even think of the smaller festivals.

Gosh I do go on dont I....lol.

I'm pleased you're feeling a little better. Keep your head down, move forward slowly and quietly and if you fall down a black hole it's okay, hold your breath and you will be out in time.

Last thing your parents will say things about you, call you stupid or useless....its ALL a LIE really truly. Just because someone lies to you, you need not take it onboard. You are worthy and not because I say so, it just happens to be the truth. Try and be your own best friend and when your ego tells you your useless stop look in the mirror and tell it to F*ck off and then say to yourself...I LOVE you. As silly as that sounds you need to hear it and again it's the truth.

Stevie Wonder said we are frightened of our inner greatness....Spot on!

Big Kiss

Oh and if you need to, keep talking, the people on here are amazing and will help you heaps and me, I care

XXX

[Photogeek in reply to CarolineLondon]

Hi Caroline what a great reply and so practical

And helpful. Oh I wished I lived near you for a good chat. You

Are a fantastic motivator, You would make a great Life Coach,

Your post has given me hope and knowing that I will get back I to

My interests .

Hugs to you

Hannah x

[CarolineLondon in reply to Photogeek]

Hi

...Thats sooo kind. If you knew what a complete f*ck up I am and the state of my life right now I DON'T think you'd suggest life coach as a career...lol.

Thing is we learn sooo much from our mistakes and I've made plenty! So if I can help in anyway steer you away from my own f*ck ups or share those little things that have helped me or I've heard about that help others and in turn that is of use to you, then thats great.

As I've said before all I see is others huge potential, I have no capacity to see their downfalls or the blocks in their way. I truly believe anyone can achieve anything with enough time and the right support when its needed.

Well done Hannah, one step forward any step forward is a triumph. Baby steps, your more than capable.

Big Kiss X

But not a diseased kiss I'd like to add, as I have swollen tonsils at the moment, so maybe one with a mask on, or a firm hand shake. That's it we'll make it a firm handshake for now...lol.

Have a wonderful day XX

[Hidden in reply to CarolineLondon]

Thank you, that was a lovely long post It's so encouraging to read! I will definitely try your advice and go back to my instruments when I'm ready.

Haha, I actually really like Kate Bush! I find her music unique and inspirational!

Thank you so much

[CarolineLondon in reply to Hidden]

You see I knew you had class! I tried to get a ticket for a gig it was sold out in less than 20 mins.....no hope! grrrr. Hope today is a little brighter for you and something makes you smile.

X

[Inpain91]

Hi starshine1

I wrote a really long reply but for some reason it did not submit properly.

It must have been hard for you to write this but it was a great step sharing how you feel. You should never suffer alone. I too suffered from depression and the biggest mistake I did was keep it to myself.

I work in the mental health field and I am a volunteer life mentor for young people who are suffering from mental health issues and other worries. If you do not comfortable talking to a professional face to face, may I recommend an online service for young people (mindfull.org). There is always someone there you can talk too and other young people. The website has also go some counsellors you can talk too online.

It is normal for teenagers to go through some emotional changes, there is nothing wrong with you. I admire you for sharing your feelings. You may not see is now but you have great things ahead of you. Take it easy and take each day as it comes.

Remember do not suffer in silence.

Take care x

[Hidden in reply to Inpain91]

Thank you so much for your reply. I will look into the website you suggested. It was very encouraging to read your support, and I really appreciate you sharing with me your suggestions! Thank you so much

[coatpin]

Go make an appointment with your gp, as there seems to be a history of depression with family members , being a teen it couldbe hormonal imbalance which has caused this (periods)

then tell your parents. Sad they didnt see something wrong.

[Hidden in reply to coatpin]

Thank you for your reply! At the moment I am just not ready for that, and since I am not a currently really a threat to myself, I am going to wait to tell others. Thank you everyone for your messages, they really did make me feel so much better

[coatpin in reply to Hidden]

Honey do you really want to wait till your in that horrible dark place, depression wont go away by itself. The longer you wait the worse and harder to get the drugs working to make your brain work properly or your body to react to the drugs can take 2 weeks before you know if they are working or not. Sometimes like in my situation it was years before they found something to work.

To be aware you have it, is the biggest step to ask for help, and then being in some control over it, before it controls you.

It took me four months before I could go outside to get the help that I needed. Each minute of everyday fighting off the desire to make it simple and just end it.

It was like slipping slowly deeply gently down down down I went. My inner strength of survival go me to the gp, and lost my memory. The only place I remembered where to go was my gp.

take care

[Hidden]

We are one of a kind my dear, ultra sensitive and kind, you must get away from your parents and make a life for yourself if they upset you that much, it isn,t easy in 2014 to do this. Sing to your hearts content when you feel unhappy, do what ever brings you joy. I walk in the country and it calms my thoughts and feelings.

[nette30]

Hi there lovely,

I'm sorry to hear about your struggles atm. Reading your post was like hearing myself, there were so many similarities!

I'm at uni and I've really struggled with lack of motivation and lethargy in terms of my work. I even missed days because I was in such a bad place mentally. I'm very hard on myself so I'd make myself feel worse by getting annoyed at the fact that I wasnt working when I should have been. Some advice that My dad gave to me was that as long as you are doing enough to pass then thats all that matters. I'm someone who sets myself very high standards so as my grades slipped this year due to the depression, it made me feel worse. I had to accept that I wasn't going to do well this year due to my mental health problems and even if I just scrape a pass then it was still a pass and that's all that matters.

I've been playing the piano since I was 7 years old but due to my depression, like you I haven't touched the piano in over a year

now. I look at it everytime I walk past and know that I should want to play again but at the moment I just don't. Playing the piano was was one main hobby at school and so I hope that day comes when I want to play again.

I won't tell you to confide in your parents because I think everybody needs to handle things in their own way. I'm like you and I didn't tell my parents about my depression until 5 months ago. I think that my depression started in Jan 2013 but I was really in denial until Jan 2014 which was when I finally went to the GP about it. I told my parents after I'd been put on meds. So although at some point you need to make you're parents aware of what's going on, don't add extra pressure onto yourself because you can tell them when you feel ready.

You could always go and see the GP

by yourself if that would make you feel more comfortable?

You may not think it's a big deal but well done for posting on this site and seeking advice. It's a big, and positive, step that you're looking for help and admitting to yourself that things aren't quite right atm. You've already done a lot more than I did at the beginning!

Please feel free to send me a private message if you want a chat or anything

lots of love

xxx

[Hidden in reply to nette30]

This was a great message, thank you! I am surprised to hear that we have so many similarities! I too set very, very, very high goals for myself, and it makes me really unhappy when I don't meet them. In every test I've ever taken I've strived to get 100% or thereabouts and if I didn't I would tear myself up afterwards. I hope you regain your interest in the piano too- I totally understand that feeling! I feel like I should play it, but for some reason I can just never bring myself to. Thank you for understanding how hard it is to tell my parents. I love them with all my heart, but for my whole life I've always felt that it was easier for me to handle problems by myself. This time is no different, and I do think I can get through this.

Thank you so much for the reply, it really means a lot

[clare86]

Hi, so sorry you are in this situation at such a young age, I have a relative who is a teenager and in the same position as you. Please try and go to your GP and tell them exactly how you feel, then they will arrange help for you. Try and use your singing to escape when things are bad; but try not to totally withdraw from the world. Its horrible that your friend is moving, but maybe you could meet up before they do, and possibly stay in touch via skype /email or phone. If you try and participate in an activity or club at school/college, you may find yourself another friend. (i know it take time to make new friends, i didn't really have proper friends). Whilst the weather is nice, try and get yourself out into the fresh air, it amazing the difference a little fresh air and sunshine does to you. I couldn't talk to my parents, but found that i could talk to a counsellor better, perhaps this is something your GP can help with? With regards to eating/diet; i had the same issues. Try and eat little and often to keep your energy levels stable. Avoid caffeine (which will make shaking worse) and fizzy energy drinks, try adding plenty of water and fresh fruit/vegetables into your diet. All these can have a big impact on your health. Good Luck x

[Hidden in reply to clare86]

Thank you so much for this reply! It was so encouraging! I do have a lot of caffeine... I will try to drink less of it, thank you so much for the advice!