(sorry for writing too much and sorry for my grammar and spelling. i didn't finish school)
the actor chadwick boseman passed away and this got me thinking of the problems ive been having for years trying to get the help i need. last night when i was writing my other post i started to cry and started having panic attacks because this got me afraid. the reason why i'm afraid because ever since i was 16 years old ive been taking care of my disabled mother and brother without help from my family (my family disowned us). i do everything. i cook. i clean. i pay the rent. i take my mother to her appointments. my youngest brother has mental problems and i take care of him. i take him to his therapy & psychiatrist appointments. my mother is brother are very important to me which is why i do what i do. at the same time im trying to go back to school (its hard because i have a learning disability which explains my grammar so please dont insult the way i write)
i'm dealing with my own personal struggles with my mental illness. i went through a trauma that happened a few years ago that caused my mental health to go bad and me sinking into depression. i was suicidal a few years ago and i wanted to kill myself. but the reason why i didn't because my mother and brother needed me. so i had to push through that first 2 years fighting the suicidal thoughts. my body and soul wanted to give up. my mind wanted to give up but i had to be a warrior for my mother and brother and tried to get through those suicidal thoughts. everyday i was struggling. i knew what it was like to be at the end of the dark tunnel. i know what it feels like to not wanna live. what gave me purpose was knowing that i needed to take care of my mother and youngest brother. taking my mother and brother to their appointments and at the same time all i had were suicidal thoughts and urges and trying to fight them and repress them was hard. at one point i felt like i wasn't living. only existing. i went from 400 pounds being over weight to 184 pounds. people think i went on a diet when the truth is it was depression. no help from my family. no help from anyone. i managed to take care of my mother and brother all by myself. my mother had no clue what i was dealing with. no one knew. they only noticed the weight loss. not the pain.
in 2012 i started having pelvic pain. lower back pain. chest pain. testicles hurting. constipation. i went to seek help. i got different diagnoses. so one day things got bad and i remember i couldn't urinate. i needed a catheter. imagine, a 24 year old having a catheter. even doctors were confused. doctors gave me wrong diagnoses. one of them was chlamydia. he said i couldnt urinate because of that. but i'm a virgin. i havent had sex so its impossible to get a sexual transmitted decease if im a virgin. im on medicaid. im poor. so its hard to find good doctors when one is poor. the first urologist told me that he didnt find anything and didnt know a reason why i couldnt pee. he said all the test came out fine. at one point as i came back seeking more answers he told me that im wasting his time and he has other patients that has more important problems. he told me to stop making appoitments. obviously something was wrong since i can't urinate and i was 24 at the time. a 24 year old having a catheter is not normal. he mad me feel worthless. on top of that i was constipated. it took me to see 7 urologist to find out the real diagnoses. in 2017 i was told i had a prostate infection. the infection was causing the glans to swell up. after my urologist gave me medication for it. it went away. now im able to urinate on my own. im still taking elmiron which helps. but the constipated remained. the infection is gone.
then in 2017 my constipation starting getting worse. i started experiencing bloating. my stomach felt full. abdominal pain. back pain. heart burn. chest pain. gas. i couldn't burp. i was feeling nausea. i couldnt feel my rectum. my stomach would feel full even when i haven't eaten anything. what contributed to more of my weight loss was that i had no choice but to starve myself because my stomach hurt and felt fool. i was so hungry but i couldnt eat for that reason. this is not normal. i complained to my primary care doctor. she told me that it has to do with poor diet and is normal. since i lost weight fast this is the reason. so she gave me fiber and other things which didnt help. my urologist gave me fiber and still didnt help. i was taking all these medicines that never helped. i was buying over the counter laxatives which didnt help. in school a few months ago before the pandemic happened i felt something wet coming out my anus. i went to the bathroom and thought it was diarrhea but o saw blood. i told my primary care doctor (it took a week to get a response from her) and thats when she recommended me a gastroenterologist
i went to a independent clinic. Chinese clinic. the doctor was nice but he didnt take me seriously. i told him all my symptoms from when it started. he said im too young to be dealing with all this. i agreed. i was also young to have a catheter a few years back but i had to find answers and took me 7 doctors to finally get my diagnoses. so im not too young for anything. all he did was give me fiber. refills on laxatives and even citroma. those dont work. i drank two bottle of citroma and still nothing. thats when he asked if i wanted a colonoscopy. i said yes. the doctors took blood and urinine sables. then he gave me a prepare kit to prepare for one but i didnt need the prepare kit because i was already constipated. then on the day of the colonoscopy he said that the insides are very clean and doesn't have any feces. he assumed that the prep kit did that but i never took it because i was already topped. i dont know if he took samples of anything but in the end he told me everything looked fine and he stopped the colonoscopy early because he said everything looked normal. it lasted for 3-4 minutes. he recommended me more fiber and said go home and relax. he said i dont have any cancer or tumors and everything looked normal. he didnt seem concerned.
then a few months later i saw another gastroenterologist. this one was very nice. he cared. he took lab test first and everything came out normal. he also requested ct scan. scan of stomach and lower body. everything came out normal. then he told me that he will do a endoscopy (put a camera in my stomach through my mouth) a few days prior i started to use the bathroom but my stool was coming out black. then my stomach started to hurt. it felt full. bloated. my chest hurted. so i rushed to the ER. they also did a scan of the lower body. no signs of anything and he suggested i might have some kind of infection so i needed to see a gastroenterologist. my gastroenterologist came to the ER to visit me. i was surprised because i have medicaid. no doctor on medicaid does that. he bumped up my endoscopy to the following day. then i remember i got the urge to make a stool (finaly) this rush of diarea came out. my stomach pain. my bloating and chest pain went away 89 percent after im able to make a stool. i looked down and noticed my diarrhea was black. anyways after that was done the following day he said everything looked fine (those words i hate) and he took samples from my stomach. i still dont know the results from them. the old gastroenterologist send them the results to my colonoscopy but he still wanted to do his own. then he made a suggestion that maybe i have IBS-C.
until i get my appointment for the other colonoscopy that he wanted to do him and my new primary care doctor both suggested that its probably IBS-C. she said to change my diet. go on a fodmap diet. i did all that. it dont matter how many times i change my diet. i eat healthy everyday. i dont eat junk food. i dont drink soda. im on a 1200 calories diet. so yeah i have been taking care of myself. the only improvements i saw from the fodmap diet was that after cutting out whole grains and twitching it to whole grains i stopped having heart burn and chest pain. but the constipation remained. yesterday i drank 3 bottles of citroma, i take docusate, i take metamucil three times aday before my meals. still no changes. i feel like something is wrong. something in my gut is telling me that they missing something. the same feeling i had when i had the catheter and they never found a reason for me not being able to urinate.
where do i go from here? what else can i do? yesterday after i heard chadwick boseman died i started to cry and pray. im afraid of dying. the first thought that comes to my head was who will take care of my mother and brother once im gone. without me my mom and brother has no one. thats my greatest fear. i dont have anything saved. we live pay check to pay check. so everyday is a struggle but i make it work. i can't imagine something happening to me and my mother and brother wont have anyone to help them and take care of them. ive been taking care of them since i was in high school. the same way i was fighting those suicidal thoughts and what im doing now but im fighting to try and seek answers before its too late. my constipation gotten worse and this is not normal for me. theres no one in my family that has colon cancer. i have a family history of kidney problems and breast cancer. i lost my sister in june 6 she lost her battle with cancer. im afraid not only for myself but my mother and brother. my purpose is to take care of the which is what ive been doing. where do i go from here? it sucks being poor and not being able to see good quality doctors. i have to take whats given free. im telling you this because i wanted to give you a picture of the things ive dealt with being poor and no one caring.
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