I Cheated On ...

[Beaujie]

... the only person I've ever loved in this life, and I lost her forever.

She cheated on me, too, sure. But I don't care. She was the one soul who saw the real me and said, "I love and embrace you." Hell, I wouldn't blame her, necessarily, for needing to find some support elsewhere, because she certainly couldn't get it from me all the time.

But I cheated on her when I had her love and understanding. It was a gross betrayal, and I did it, anyway. She didn't deserve that. We met in high school, and it was all over with. We got engaged eventually, and we both moved to Nashville to pursue different, but similar, career paths.

During that period I was sexually abused by a powerful mogul in the country music industry, and she graduated university and went on to work on Music Row. She went there for the right reasons, and I went there to chase stardom. Her motivations were altruistic and attainable; my motives were selfish, short-sighted, and altogether ignorant.

After I cheated, she took me back. It didn't last much longer, but we both knew we had to try again. We were the other half of one another, after all. It turns out not to have been meant to be, but I'm convinced that's my fault.

I'm the one who has an entire book coming out about my own victimization at the hands of another in the Nashville scene, but the love of my life deserves her own volume on all the ways I dismissed, used, and took our bond for granted.

Does this mean it wasn't love? Absolutely not. Love is messy. Love is elusive. Love doesn't care about the trivial things.

I love her to this day, and I don't think that'll ever change. I love her with all my heart. She isn't the one that got away, but rather the one I didn't appreciate and watched walk away. Even if I wanted to love another, I wouldn't be able to. She is inside of me, and, eighteen years later, she is always with me.

... and I deserve everything that has happened to me since.

-B-

[CarnelianAmber]

We all fall short and fail in small ways and sometimes in devastating ways. That you are able to love deeply and also be painfully honest with yourself says a lot about your character. Keep moving forward in your healing. Be kind with yourself for being human. I’m sorry about what you are walking through. It is so difficult when we realize we have really hurt someone we care deeply about, I know.

[Beaujie in reply to CarnelianAmber]

Carnelian,

Thanks for your insight that I appreciate so much.

You know what's crazy? That in the moment I'm making these short-sighted but gigantic mistakes, I don't think anything of them. I actually thought I was making "all the right choices"! It's only in clear hindsight I recognize that, had I made any one of those decisions differently, that my entire life progression would have gone differently. And I know this goes for all of us - I'm just going through it a lot more than usual with the book coming about.

They say the only way to get past your mental/emotional barriers from the past is to plow through them ... but while I think that might be correct, I still want to acknowledge how effing much plowing through those walls hurts!

-B-

[CarnelianAmber in reply to Beaujie]

I hear you. I have been in places in my head where I just said…eff it, I’m doing this only to really regret some choices. And it is hard walking through the emotional stuff. So incredibly hard sometimes. I have to tell myself that as often as I have forgiven others I need to remember to forgive myself as well…and go on to do better on behalf of others as well as myself. You’ve got this!

[Beaujie in reply to CarnelianAmber]

Ahhhhhh yes ... the "forgiving myself" mountain ... so steep and so daunting to climb, but also sometimes the most necessary obstacle. It's funny because I can give other people advice about this very thing, but half my issues actually just require me to turn and look inward at myself, lol. The irony.

[Starrlight in reply to Beaujie]

It so does hurt to plow through, but we are both healing and growing at the same time and we will be ready once we come out the other side.

[Beaujie in reply to Starrlight]

I sure hope so

[CarnelianAmber]

It is very humbling to forgive yourself.