how do I forgive myself and move on?

I've had great friendships that I simply ruined due to severe mental health problems. I've ruined peoples lives. people who I really cared about. They absolutely hate me. I feel so ashamed and guilty.

it's been 6 years since that time and I havnt thought about it until now.It hurts so badly, I just want to tell them how truly sorry I am and how much I regret everything. But I was told by most of them never to contact them again. Self loathing is a feeling I'm familiar with, but this is an entirely new level.



[Nathalie99 Partner]

There are no quick answers to this question, I believe...It is a good step that you wrote down about it and now you are working on a plan.

I think forgiving yourself and having self compassion towards your mental health state back then might help.

I don't know if contacting the people you have impacted, is a good idea but that's something you might have a better feeling about.

Do you have a therapist with whom you can process what happened and your emotions around it? Maybe they can help guide you through the decisions.

You could write letters, not sending them, but as a way of expressing yourself, to those people, if that helps.

Wishing you finding peace and a continued healing...

[Hidden in reply to Nathalie99]

Appreciate your reply. Unfortunately what I did caused people years of trauma.They absolutely hate me. I was sleep walking and while sleep walking I would do some pretty horrible things.I'd give anything just to tell them how sorry I am but I know that's a selfish desire. They said it themselves. If I ever cared about them at all I'd stay away and never contact them.

This hurts so badly because my mental health problems took what was an incredible group of friends and dismantled it. They will most likely never speak to one another again, and they had been friends since childhood. One of them doesn't even remember they were ever friends because the pain was too much.

I want to move on but I just don't feel like I deserve to be happy after what I've done

I'm getting a therapist very soon, should have a referral any time

[hypercat54]

Yes I get this and imagine you must be feeling terrible about it. I think it would help to stop thinking about it in such emotive terms. I doubt whether you 'ruined' anyone's life, though but maybe you did damage it. I am sure they have recovered now and moved on. This is what you need to do too.

You can't change the past no matter how much you regret it and dwelling on it only causes you pain. That is a painful lesson I learned years ago.

Similarly with hate. It is a very emotive word and takes a lot of effort to feel it so I doubt they are feeling that themselves. They will survive and so will you.

You have done your best to reach out which is great and shows you have learn from it. That's the most important thing - to learn from our experiences and know that you would never do it again. x