Got home from my escape at university city and panicing. Ptsd from my family

[Against_the_current]

I'm here. I told her i want to go to the supermarket to buy stuff to make pancakes but mom left no money. She told me to take from hers, i told her i don't want to take hers, she said she was at dad's and dad gave them to her cause the baby ate hers. I paniced so damn hard. I'm still panicing. I lost my appetite and feel like i'm going to throw up. I need to hide this panic. The baby. And she was at dad's. Was it just a visit or did she had troubles with mom and had to escape and deal with the baby there. I went outside, i was feeling like i'm gonna puke in the supermarket, i can't breathe. I went outside, got back, took a med, hugged by rabbit,lit a candle and prayed but i'm still losing it.

Yesterday when i arrived nobody welcomed me. Mom was asleep probably drunk and sis was outside probably escaping it. I hope it's just probably not real. I'm panicing hard since yesterday. And seeing no money scares me too. I just hope they're in mom's card.

I got accepted for a job in university city. I'm here so i haven't confirmed it. Also texted my grandparents a lot and i'm scared mom will find out and go mad.

Heeeelp

[Nathalie99 Partner]

I am very sorry, Real_Me. It's terrible that you found your mother drunk, that's very upsetting. I understand you want to protect your sister, make sure it's okay.

I grew up in alcoholic household (two, actually) and I ended up with a lot of panic, anxiety and responsibility for everyone else. They were adults, I was a child.

It was too destructive to me, also because of physical abuse, so I moved and started on my own.

I felt I needed to do that to at least have a chance.

Every visit there would bring me back in a horrible state. I was barely holding on. I think the best was for me to follow my education, find employment and be around people who were a stabilising influence, as much as possible.

I know it may sound selfish. But I did come to take care of them, clean, do the shopping, take them to appointments.

Sometimes it is important to think of yourself and make sure you have stronger foundations so that you are in a better position to be there for your sister or mother if she gets help regarding her alcohol use.

Taking care of yourself isn't selfish. You are caring so much about your family and it is very tough to see things the way they are. I am sorry you had to witness this.

[Against_the_current in reply to Nathalie99]

Thank you. You understand so well. I actually think i'm not in the state to help them, actually i feel so off track here that i'm probably burdening more than helping. Thank you for sharing with me and showing me it isn't selfish, it's vital

[SavingGrace Administrator]

Hi Real_Me,

Thank you for sharing your feelings.

My first response, is that I'm so happy to hear that you have a job offer - that may take you towards someplace new and better....

Have you decided yet, on what you may do?

Starting anew can be scary, I hear you.

Finding something new, however, can also be incredibly empowering and, consequently, life changing.

I know you will make the right decision for YOU.

Sending blessings .,,, this is a tough time for you, for life changes.

Just remember, to sometimes, put yourself first ....... please <3

We've all held back because of family or whatever. Opportunities come few and little.....

Of course, we all have to decide if it is the right time/and that we are strong enough to go for it.

Invariably, I believe we are strong enough...... we just need a little nudge.

Apologies, if I've overstepped - I just believe in people's futures so much: and I don't feel that our personal futures need to/should complicate our family relations...

It takes good dialogue,/sharing of emotions and intentions.

We have to be always be honest with ourselves..... first and foremost. Always.

From someone who always put someone in my family first, ahead of my own needs... I know I would go for my own dreams, time after time.....

And from someone who has many years to catch up on.... not just because I put health before career first, but also because I thought I had to be there for my family - but actually I didn't... I really did not... I could have done both pathways and they would have aligned ok......

It doesn't mean we have let anyone down, it only means that we have not let ourselves down.

Apologies, if I've got the wrong end of the stick.

I'm responding to your offer of a job.

Sending best wishes, SG.

[Against_the_current in reply to SavingGrace]

Thank you for your responce! So i should not sacrifice my development to family, right? I'm sorry, i'm just a bit brainfogged and struggle to understand texts