Anxiety, Depression, and PTSD from being the family scapegoat groomed by a narcissistic parent.

[Shakti111]

Hello Everyone!! I am new here to this forum and am struggling with healing from my abusive childhood. I was the scapegoat in my family dynamic. My trauma runs deep which triggers severe anxiety and depression but I am on my healing journey. I do continue to have many setbacks but I am working hard to navigate through cognitive therapy, yoga, and self love techniques. I have been no contact for sometime now but this is tricky for me. Has anyone had a similar experience? Please share what has worked for you...

[Nathalie99 Partner]

Hi Shakti111,

Welcome to our community.

It is horrible that you were abused and narcissistic abuse is very insidious.

Setbacks are a part of healing... I am glad you have found things that help like yoga and therapy.

No contact is sometimes the only way to keep yourself from being triggered and mistreated all over again. I understand it is very difficult...it is a very tough choice.

Are you in touch with other family members that are healthy to be around?

[Shakti111 in reply to Nathalie99]

Thank you so much!

Yoga and therapy have saved my life...but every day is a struggle. I attempted suicide in the late 90's because I couldn't take the abuse any longer. I have been in and out of therapy and self help/yoga courses since as long as I can remember..as I always knew what was happening to me wasn't right but damage left me always feeling alone and broken. I suppose the trauma will never fully go away and we survivors just need the tools to manage it.

It is the family part that kills me. I feel extremely close to my Mother, Sister, and Brother and at the same time completely estranged. I feel the closeness is more like trauma bonding and as of lately working on changing this.

They all played a role in scapegoating me due to my fathers grooming, especially my sister who unknowingly continued his work. I have been in serious therapy for the past 3 years but do to a recent move and loosing health insurance I am without therapy.

About 2 years ago I had a serious breakdown/breakthrough. I was on the verge of suicide again due to the fact that after calling out the rest of my family for playing their role but was met with the usual pointing the finger and was left frustrated, defeated, and alone. I decided to distance myself for the next two years. It was felt on their end and little by little they all began to see the bigger picture...but I still feel estranged and triggered by them at times.

In September my husband and I moved from NY to Florida creating a new life and greater distance between myself and my family. It has been very healing in some ways but I find myself shutting myself in here. The depression and fear/anxiety set in and I can't leave the house. trying to tap into my tools to move the energy but sometimes I am just stuck.

In any event my whole family (minus the narc father) is coming here in 2 weeks to visit and I am growing super anxious. I stopped drinking on October 13th and have been a part of AA which helps a great deal with sobriety and support. I just wanted to start feeling rather than escaping...so that I can really somehow oneway fully heal. However, as the days get closer to their arrival the more and more I struggle. I am happy and excited to see them and ridden with anxiety and fear at the same time.

Thank you again for responding...your kindness is so appreciated. I am very grateful to have found this forum and people that understand.

[Dolphin14 Moderator]

Shakti111

I'm so sorry you were a victim of childhood trauma. My mother was a narcissist so I can relate to your story 100%

I'm so glad you have found things to help you in your recovery. It is an ongoing healing process and at times can be very difficult. Having tools in our tool box as they say can make things much easier.

I can list some things I have done. I've been in talk therapy for 9 years and IFS therapy for 8. I have also done EMDR.

Exercise is big for me. I love my yoga practice. Meditation, self help reading, courses, mindfulness, moments of peace just sitting in silence.

I have also separated from what's left of my family of origin. Boundaries were not working so I had to make that decision.

A big part of my healing has been here on HU. The supportive community makes such a difference. There are so many wonderful people here who understand each other.

I would like to welcome you to our community.

🐬

[Shakti111 in reply to Dolphin14]

Thank you for your warm welcome love. I am sorry you went through this as well. It is an horrific feeling.

Having the right tools is key and I try and remain positive. The brain can take over sometimes though. The memories are hard to deal with..would love to find a way to erase them lol.

I heard amazing things about EMDR and I am really interested in adding this to the toolbox. Currently I am without insurance but working on this.

I agree about the support and extra layer of potential regarding this community. I joined yesterday and can feel the love and I am at ease already. kind of!!!

Id love to talk a little more about the no contact bit... I am with your here. Its a struggle for me though. I am fully no contact with any father (has been on and off my whole adult life) and I am in contact with my siblings and mom even though they played a role. I am aware it was not their fault but its very frustrating non-the less. They have since owned it but I still struggle with them because they still see my father. My sister went no contact with him for 10 years and it allowed me to begin to trust her and feel closer to her and then she sprung on me that she is seeing him again and bringing my nieces there and this killed me. Suddenly I felt alone again. If you have time read the reply above that I sent to Natalie99.

I feel I am rambling with overwhelm. Going to do some breathing and ground down. Thank you again so very much!!

[Dolphin14 Moderator in reply to Shakti111]

My mother was my abuser and I had a few siblings who followed in her foot steps. The relationship I had with my mother over the years was hot and cold. We would go long spans of time without talking and then something would happen within the family that brought us back together. As I got older I learned that no matter what I said she was going to be very negative with me so I let many things slide. I didn't want to deal with the stress.

My siblings were a different story. I didn't have to tolerate them at all. They were cruel and I stepped away. There were times when we were brought back together for one reason or another and they continued to be hurtful so I kept interaction limited.

I did have one sister who I got along with very well and she had a relationship with one of the sisters I didn't get along with. We were able to keep this separated for the sake of our relationship. My boundary was I didn't want to talk about her and I didn't want to hear about anything going on in her life. I asked that my stuff be kept private but who knows if that happened.

I understand your up coming stress with the visit. My suggestion would be boundary setting so that you don't get anxious.

I hope the visit goes well

[j33711]

I had to divorce my birthgiver. I spent too many years with her, playing the same old games with me. It did not improve with age. It's amazing how I don't have drama anymore. I'm not saying that you should take that older step, however, healing takes time and having that toxic influence just used to set me back.

[Shakti111 in reply to j33711]

Thank you for sharing. I appreciate you .

[012703060610]

You are doing right by yourself! That is great work. I too have recently distanced my family since this past summer. I am the youngest of three girls and have always been expected to show up when needed even though I have three little kids and the others don't. I an unwell and no one cares in my family. I just keep getting asked to bring the kids to see Grandma before she passes. My husband has taken the kids twice but for me, I now realize it is a trigger zone. Land mines all over! I may not get to see my Mother before she passes but I know she knows I love her. She also knows that she spent all of her time with my middle sisters kids by raising them next door. Sadly they will never know my own children. I need to do what is best for me and seeing them is STRESS.

[j33711 in reply to 012703060610]

You are so wise to know your triggers!! Some ppl never get there.