May sound crazy at first. I have C-PTSD from years of emotional, psychological and physical abuse from two partners and abandonment and abuse from my mother as a child. I am now 42 and have been in therapy with a quality therapist for 11 months. My memory is starting to come back leading to extreme flashbacks, but I use to disassociate...a much more dangerous reaction. I use to leave for days when a flashback happened. I still am unsure how I survived. I think it was my dog, a Leonberger named Atlas Shrugged. He was always with me and I had to keep him safe.
I never felt safe when I finally left my abductor, abuser and boyfriend. He isolated me from all family and friends, ruined every job I got by hiding my keys or showing up at work. I was once a dedicated, creative and smart professional in the aerospace and supply chain industry. He stole my identity. He use to make fun of me for my degree, computer literacy and that I was a cheerleader (which I wasn't. I was on Dance Squad, but he knew his cajoling comments of "Look at Jenn on her computer the cheerleader") I was held in captivity in a small 14x17 foot cabin. My only refuge was the bathroom, which I went to to get some privacy. He beat down that door and threw me into the shower bruising my hip. Oh and then there was the bacon grease pan he held over my head after I accidentally burned the bacon. I covered my face and begged him not to hurt me. He also use to throw me out into the cold without my keys in -15 degree weather. I somehow escaped with my dog and he kept me warm.
So, as my father had stopped talking to me because I stayed with this person, my only hope was a Safe House and my Mom, my earliest abuser. She was in the mood to make amends but under her roof with her rules...yes I was 40. So, still lived feeling unsafe, My mom, also abused thinks she has no problems..."Just get over it". Ues, she did try but I was left disassociating with friendly reminders of my childhood and that "this was the last chance I had".
I finally got up the strength to return to Colorado. I still had a few earth angels here. I found out upon my return and taking my dog to his first Vet that he had hermangio sarcoma, cancer. I immediately took jhm to my Alma Mater, Colorado State University (who just beat their rival CU!). I had no money, as the ex took all I had and was just lucky to buy my trip to what I call home). I was bgic.lessed. CSU gave me two grants to shrink Atlas' tumor though he was terminal...giving me time to get a new service dog and also met a wonderful man. Atlas died last October when we entered the hotel in Canon City to pick out my Newdle. He is a Newfoundland Poodle. But this day was tragic. Atlas saved my life so many times. I did my best to save him. My new dog Orion just turned a year. My boyfriend is as "patient" as possible, as there are many ups and downs.
I am realizing that I need to let myself get angry at those that deserve it. I use to rationalize their abuse. My mom with her childhood abuse. My ex boyfriend that was neglected as his mother was just 17 when she had him and left him with her mom to go to college. Then, the next ex. The North Dakota man, who is 10 years younger and was in Columbine when the tragedy happened. My empathy consumed me and I lost me in the process.
I have other tales to tell especially from the neglected ex...but this is enough cathartic energy for now. I hope you can, actually don't hope you can relate, but it helps to know I am not alone.
Mizpah,
Jenn
Written by
AtlasJones
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Thank you for your reply. I hope you are well. Are you recovered? I call myself a survivor, as I refuse to be a victim, but how do you know when you are recovered? My plan is to help others, but know I have to help myself first. I am, but have had relapses into the blame, shame and guilt. Orion does help. He is so attuned to my emotions and is very large at 75 pounds, so his presence, though just a gentle giant is an extra feeling of safety. His intuition is right on. I tried to put a picture up, but I think I have to resize it. Perhaps I will just change my post picture.
Anyway, I wish I would have reached out to a community like this a long time ago. I lost most friends during the abuse and was isolated. I use to be quite the socialite I hope I will be able to join the workforce and society full time soon, but it is a work in progress...so yes, self care needs to be a priority, Thanks again! Please share your experience if you are comfortable.
Just wanted to comment on Leonbergers. This is the best breed ever, IMHO. I have one right now, Bailey, and he's the sweetest, most receptive dog I've ever had. He knows when I'm having a bad day before I know I'm having a bad day. I've been blessed to own four Leonbergers, one was a super sweet rescue named Denali. She was my soul dog. I only had her for a year and bonded to her immediately.
Sorry for your loss of Atlas.
I'll comment more on what you shared later. Time for my therapy.
Hi..thanks for your message. Are those your paintings? Just love the collection. I just posted a picture to the general community of Atlas. I hope you had yours for longer than I was blessed with mine. He was my dog angel. So, my only hope is that he felt all of my love throughout, as we had a rough life, but I always attended to him, his health, excursive and nutrition. I got him as a pup of 14 weeks from Grasslands Leonbergers. Her mom was Guinevere and Cyrus his dad. They have both past, but Rachel Grass was the breeder and Janet Deirson the owner of the Sire. I kept in touch with them throughout his life and our struggles.
When Atlas was 2.5 they had a Leonberger show and convention at the Stanley Hotel (where the Shining was written by Stephen King). There were approximately 150 of them all staying at the hotel! Atlas got to meet his Da Cyrus and 2 siblings
Curious how you learned of the breed, as everyone has their own Leo story. My ex boyfriend had a little girl that I raised since 18 months. My ex wanted a large breed dog, as he had St. Bernards growing up. But, he didn't want a Saint, as each he had nipped at childhood friends....so I searched the Internet by leaps and bound. I really considered a Burmese Mountain Dog, but the cancer strain only gave them 4-6 years. I really thought Atlas would be cancer free...don't we all. Anyway, we could have gotten him at 12 weeks, but we already had a preplanned sailing trip to BVI. Applying for him was like a college app! We were excepted and I received pictures of him from birth until we picked him up in North Carolina, right after our trip and drove him in a rental cross country o Denver. Who knew that would be great trading for all our fleeing across multiple states to get away from our stalker...
So yes, in not very short, Leonbergers are amazing and happy you have been blessed by four. I would love to see pictures. I went with a Newdle just because of the shedding and needing him to accompany me in Public Transit. He is hypoallergenic and does not shed. Which honestly helps as a service dog. He is super bright, loving and always is alert to where I am at and my moods. I think that intuition is the Newfoundland in him...it reminds me of Atlas.
Hope therapy went well. I go bi-weekly, so really missing therapy this week, but she has decided I am ready for EMDR, as many things are breaking through.
Yes, I drew those in colored pencil or watercolor pencil.
My H and I got interested in Leonbergers in 1997 after our Golden Retriever died suddenly at age 12. We saw this breed listed in a Canadian newspaper and wondered what it was. After extensive research into the breed, we knew Leonbergers (Leos) were for us. At the time we purchased our first one in the summer of 1997, only 800 Leos existed in all of Canada and the US.
We brought home a hefty bundle of joy, Behr, almost 18 pounds at 7.5 weeks old. He weighed a whopping 1.5 pounds at birth compared to his siblings who weighed a 1 pound each. Behr mostly slept and ate his way through the first six months of his life. He even slept in puppy training classes and grew about 2 pounds a week. And yes, I think he ate us out of house and home. At one point Behr at 10 cups of food a day! Behr's weight topped out at 205 pounds! Non-standard for the breed.
If I wasn't in a good mood, which happened quite often back then because of PTSD, Behr would lie on me lengthwise and lick my face until I laughed. With his mission accomplished he'd jump off the bed.
Behr was a super smart cookie. He learned fast and took a game we used to play together, "Find It," into the real world to help me find our cat outside. That always amazed me. He was super agile for his enormous size. I have this picture of him running in the backyard with a rescue Golden. Behr was twice her size.
Behr died early from Myxosarcoma caused by the tracking chip in his neck. This huge tumor grew there and encompassed the tracking chip. The only treatment was repeated surgeries to remove the tumor. Eventually those surgeries took their toll on Behr.
Bailey is our second Leo. Our third was Barnum. He died too young at the age of 3 1/2. I'm still dealing with that death. Barnum died of Anaplasmosis, a tick borne disease. I decided long ago to write a story about him and allow him to tell that story. I believe this is one of the most under talked about diseases our dogs can get, and it kills in such a way that's horrific for both dog and owner. We believe Barnum was born with the disease too because he showed signs of it from the moment we first brought him home. Although at that time I didn't know it was a TBD. And later a vet erroneously diagnosed him with something else, one of the most common misdiagnoses for TBD, and he suffered for years with the deadly disease. Barnum's death was similar to what I saw my father doing to people, more specifically children. That's why it triggered me so much.
If a dog survives TBD, even one which isn't serious, later they succumb to hemangiosarcoma usually in the heart. I don't know why this is. I joined a support group for TBD, and this is what I discovered through that group.
After three months I discovered an older Leo who needed fostering and decided to give that a try. That's when Denali graced our lives for a short time. She came from two different situations where someone kept her outside most of the time. We adopted Denali very soon after fostering her. She was delighted to discover her new family thought she belonged indoors with them. I wrote her story, in her words, and it got placed in the September 2013 issue of the Leo Letter. She was the perfect addition to our home for the short time we had her. Denali loved hugs and snuggles and kisses. And she loved returning her cute eskimo kisses, nose to nose. Because of PTSD and thyroid problems, Denali became my constant companion and I hers. We fulfilled each others' needs. It was perfect. In the short time with us she got to be an official member of a family which she thoroughly enjoyed.
Denali's third day in our home was spent in front of my recliner getting petted and brushed. All her choice. She planted herself in front of my chair while I brushed Bailey and wanted the same treatment. Soon Denali was turning on her side to get brushed, then flipping over to her other side, and finally exposing her belly to me to get brushed. She ended up failing asleep in that position, a Leo's favorite sleeping pose.
Denali died shortly after turning 9 years old. I miss her as much as I miss Barnum and Behr yet I only knew her for a little over a year.
Thank you much for your stories of your loved ones. It is amazing what dogs do for us and hopefully we do for them. Many times it is short, but truthfully they are with us always. The love you have given will help you even if it isn't immediate. Atlas did the same pose on his back and had a funny thing of sleeping in the bathtub...perhaps because it was cool. I have two pictures of his dad next to him where they both were resting their heads on the side of the tub, while sleeping in it. I was shocked when Janet sent the picture.
Losing him was and is still hard, He was pronounced dead at a place called Rise Veterinary in Canon City. My boyfriend and I buy a rose for every month since he past and have a rose garden now dedicated to him.
Do you have children? The reason I ask is that my non-biological daughter was stripped from me after I left abuse from her father. I raised this little girl for almost 6 years. Her dad was verbally, physically and emotionally abusive, then got his "girlfriend" pregnant and told me I would have to leave his company after growing it for the same amount of time I raised his little girl. It was a small aerospace company that I ran with business and marketing development. She and me worked together everyday. I say "work" because I was working while she was playing. She would come to my desk (home office) stuffed with Atlas' old crate with stuffed animals. I would need to print her boarding passes for Disney World. Atlas was always confused sleeping under my desk, as that was his old crate that he tried with his might to fit into...anyway one of the reasons I have C-PTSD is losing my daughter and job in one fell swoop, but the only savior was him. I think of her daily. She turned 12 May 20th.
He was a constant reminder of her, which got me through. Now without him, I basically have nothing left of her.
The strangest thing is that flight I took to come home to Colorado and get him to a Vet. Of all people my daughter, Loren Riley Hamilton's aunt named Riley was on the flight. She immediately saw Atlas...hard to miss and ran up to me and said, "Hi. Jenn, it's Riley". She is the sister of Loren's mom, so only spent time with her on special occasions (i,e, Loren's birthdays, which I planned many). She sat with us in row one on Southwest Airlines. They accommodated us well. She shared with me that Loren still talks about me all the time. It meant so much...funny how those things happen, but without Atlas she probably would have never recognized me.
So, even at the end of his life he continued giving me gifts. He was in no way as big as Behr. His biggest weight was maybe 130. He was the runt...but that was just fine by me
Your pictures are beautiful. Do you have a website? I write, as I am not so good at picture art, outside of Photoshop. If you want, you can visit my website at visolutionize.com There is a creative page that houses some of my writings. username: creativejenn passcode: creativejones.
I can't believe you got one of the first Leonbergers! I salute you...there were 1500 here in the US when I got him....keep drawing. You are very talented
I am sorry for my late reply, as you opened up so much. I am so very sorry for your I have empathy, but also sincere sympathy. I lost a daughter, but not in the same way. In fact she was not mine, but I raised her from 18months to almost 7. She is still alive, but because she is not biologically mine, I had no rights. Her father after years of abuse to me got his girlfriend pregnant. I was also raising his aerospace company that I worked very hard at for 5 years. He let me go when the pregnancy happened and told me I would have no more contact with Loren, my daughter.
The last time I saw her was 3 days prior to her seventh birthday after not seeing her for 2 months. I had taken a place in Wash Park just a few blocks from the house I helped to build. She rode her bicycle without training wheels with her dad for our last visit. I was allowed to give her small presents. I gave her a rose quart necklace for love. I asked her to bring her butterfly habitat I bought her the year prior. I bought 7 caterpillars for it for her 7 years. I made her a card about all the cool things about being seven. One was about ladybugs and that they have 7 dots...she loved ladybugs; but, she also loved butterflies. So I bought her a book from my childhood called "Hope for the Flowers". It was written by Trina Paulus. I have copied it;s link below. I gave it to her because I did not want her to ever think I would not be thinking of the love we had, no matter the changes that take place, there is always hope. I hope you enjoy it. It is a favorite of mine.
As I am sure you know, many tragedies bring up the old...yours was especially tragic. Again I am sorry. I am glad I found a friend willing to open up, perhaps we can help each other. Thank you so much for opening up..I know it is hard. I hope you like the story.
I am so sorry that both you and Loren are being denied a loving relationship. That is a great loss for both of you Jenn. Loss has many hats and many faces doesn't it? Loss of innocence, ability, physical health, mental heath, property, convictions and the list goes on & on. I guess all we can do is mourn them, and hold a space for healing as best we can. I have always been impatient with standing still and BEING. I have lived my life as a human doing; I need to live my life as a human being.
It sounds as if you are doing well. I hope so. I think the biggest issue is not given the place or time to mourn her.I use to have a dresser that had a wooden word saying "believe" with her pictures. I was 38 at this time.
My mother visited and told me it was a stupid shrine. The next thing I know I was forced into a 30 day program. Yes, when I lost her I was drinking more than normal, as I had no money for therapy. I was in a depressive state....THAT is what should have been treated, but instead was in some club med for addicts. You name it....the patients were heroin, pot, alcohol, cocaine. The therapy was non-existent. I think it was just a way to keep you off your dependency for 30 days.
OK thanks. I went 30 days not drinking alcohol big deal...I needed all that money to go to weekly therapy with a therapist trained in C-PTSD. My mom won't accept what she did to me as a child, so she projects her alcoholism on me. I think she felt if she could save me she would be free....but she is not and I ended up more messed up than before.
It was pounded in me that I had a problem, I was not good enough, that's why I do not have Loren. All lies. Loren and me were a great team. I did nothing to ruin that. He did. He started to put me down in front of her. She would say, "daddy, stop being mean to Jenn". Then after time she would say, "Daddy, Jenn looks tired, why can't she sleep." Why was because of the nights I would be frightened of what he would say or do to me when he returned home from his affairs as I was caring for his child..."his child" as I never except for two people gave me the respect for caring for her. Actually that is not correct. During her Uncle's wedding she was the flower girl and only 2. I cared for her outside of reception. A woman that was a best friend of her grandma said, "It takes a special person to love a child not your own".
Loren once said on Mother's Day, "we should have a Jenn Day." She could not comprehend why her mom got a day, her dad got a day, but the person that did the most didn't get a day. She called me for so long "My Jenn". Then at about 5 and she was in school that I participated in finding- second in the state, choicing her in with an application I wrote but her parents signed and getting her in to the Gifted and Talented program, after school ballet, soccer and tee ball. I also planned her summers to include family outings, but also science and nature day camps that I took her to.
On her five year old birthday we had a petting farm at our house that was complete with a pony ride around our house for the kids and one of the best BBQ Restaurants here. She loved ponies, but she did not have one, but her mom use to take her to a ranch that had them, so knew she loved them. She came with me to pick out the animals for petting. We had goats, rabbits, even a pig! Atlas was in his dog run, but he got petted too!
So, mourning her was stricken from me as all my friends that are no longer my friends would say, "she was not yours" or "just get over it", "I don't get why she was so important to you."
She was and always will be. It has been 2009 since I have seen her, so I am at a loss how to mourn now, as I was so discounted originally. Just imagine mourning the loss now???
But just writing this to you some mourning is happening. Thank you. I am not sure if you can understand as your loss is so different, but hope you can....keep crawling!
It does thank you. I had a spiritual counselor from Mile High Church for a year. She had a step son that found her at 14 by contacting her daughter. He lied to his dad about an after school activity to visit her weekly. I pray for that day. Thank you for your empathy. It must have been the world to the neighbor you visited and expressed your emotions and memories of the time you had with him. So many tell me to just move on. I believe there is a way to cherish her and gain acceptance that I may or may not speak to her again without consuming me.
My boyfriend says I always cry when I think of her. Some though are tears of joy for what she gave to me that no one else had...unconditional love. I hold that and her to my heart,
Thank you for your respect of my feelings. It means so much.
I will post a picture of her and I together in a separate post, as I can not do it from here.
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I hope I will be able to join the workforce and society full time soon, but it is a work in progress...so yes, self care needs to be a priority, Thanks again! Please share your experience if you are comfortable.
need to start dealing and healing 
I've been though the worst part why am I so scared now
I ran into my abuser today and now I'm a complete mess. *trigger warnings*
I just flipped out...
PTSD relapse, stuck situation
