The majority of my trauma is from forced institutionalisation in various countries. My experiences around this range from forced dieting by staff being justified with “mindfulness” and “intuitive eating” (I distinctly remember the intense pain caused by hunger - my theory right now is that this at least indirectly caused me to develop a galllstone), to forced manual labor justified with it being “therapeutic” and “educational,” to physical and chemical restraint and seclusion on multiple occasions.
Due to these experiences and more I now distrust people in general, but especially professionals (this includes healthcare practitioners of all sorts, etc).
I keep having this thing where my mind will just remind me of things, and so they’re technically flashbacks but not really? because thoughts of what I’ve experienced are almost always there, they’re not really an attack, they’re more so just an annoyance.
It’s somewhat similar to how my chronic pain is almost always there but I’ve learned how to separate myself from the pain, almost treating the sensations and my body as a separate entity from myself/my consciousness, so pain sensations are just annoying, but of course it’s different).
Also I do believe I have triggers but they’re not an attack of any sort - the response to certain things is just mainly intense nausea which informs me to rest, and after a while I don’t notice the nausea again (so I believe it’s less) - so I wouldn’t specifically say I have any.
Not sure if anyone can relate to any of this or not but I just thought to post this. I’m also not looking for advice.
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articfog
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Thank you for the courage to share about your trauma.
It is terrible and really scary. I think being forced like that is terribly inhumane. I am sorry you were in that situation in many countries.
Somehow when the trauma only happens in one country it is easier from my experience, but when it happens in another country and in another language then the world becomes less of a safe place.
It sounds like flashbacks and I am so sorry you are having them.
Knowing that things happened but when it is not taking over and totally upsetting, is different like you say.
Therapy can help with that but after what you have been through, I understand you don't trust any professionals.
Thought therapies are for some people less helpful than trauma based therapies that go deeper into the subconsciousness.
I experience nausea when I am stressed. I am sorry you are experiencing this. It could be a subconscious association from trauma.
I think for me the most important has been to (re)build) some kind of sense of safety - find even a smallest sense of safety somewhere. Once the body gets the signal it is safe, it starts "unpacking" the trauma.
I hope you find a safe place where you feel good...
The nausea for me is most likely both from stress and gastric issues, but alright. Also all of my experiences were in English speaking countries, for clarification (this mainly includes a place in SEA, and the USA)
And yeah I refuse to do clinical “therapy” because I refuse to be harmed again or associated with anything that has been used to justify harm.
For an example, “mindfulness” and/or dialectical behavioural “therapy” has only ever been paired with abuse and manipulation in my life. It makes no sense, at least to me, why I’d want to do something that I know is connected to harm (this includes emotional, mental, and physical harm). For another example EMDR has been used alongside behavioural “therapy” and basically conversion “therapy” (again this is connected to harm)
Thank you for sharing, this is really very scary and I can't imagine how much damage this has done...
I have had some really bad experiences which I am not going to share but nothing like what you shared...
When I was told I was "beyond help" I started doing things on my own. I figured I would try to find what was helping me feel even a tiny bit better.
I had bad experiences initially with mindfullness, but for a different reason, so I felt even worse for trying and failing even at that. So I eventually decided to figure things out for myself instead of following therapy and I started putting together those very tiny things, ideas, thoughts, pictures etc that helped me.
I think it is very tough to change the association between therapies and harm when it is done in such a way.
I had association with language so when I moved abroad and changed language, at fisrt everything was better than ever. Then in another country a new trauma happened and it broke me so then I lost that sense of safety I had and my idea that trauma can only happen in this one language and if I move to another country I would be safe...mind tries terribly hard to keep us safe.
Associations are tricky and I have had a few and to this day I am struggling. I can't stand the dark, I can't sleep without a light and the nights are tough even now. I am trying to tell myself I am safe and I am not alone yet I still have so much fear.
I have a therapist who is very compassionate and many times it doesn't feel like a therapy. The way she speaks it is like she has this light and it kind of spreads and is healing. Sometimes we just don't say anything and it is healing. I think some people have this impact on others and I feel it is a part of the reason why I find the therapy with her so successful. With someone else it would have been different...
The problem for me is that even though I’m in a different country now, when I mention these associations and experiences to people, especially of those who deal with chronic pain or chronic illness, I hear that people can relate and I hear how this isn’t just specific to a few countries. It is everywhere - it being doctors being completely horrible (this ranges from refusing to listen to patients, refusing to prescribe lifesaving medicine because of a supposed concern about addiction and opioid overdose when this concern is unfounded, and prescribing treatments and medication that actually harm patients more than do anything else).
It’s not just a mental association here, it’s a very real thing. It’s knowing that every time I go to a doctor I will have to advocate for myself, to insist that yes I am in pain. And to do research, present my findings, and only give necessary information so I don’t get harmed again. And that experience is a universal one, I’ve found.
It is a real thing, I was harmed too, took many years to get better and I had to fight for myself, which was very hard to do when in such a distressed state. I had to fight and find research, present it and then make decisions whether or not to press charges and hire a lawyer.At that point I figured I was going to put my energy into restoring my life instead and felt that the case would have brought too many flashbacks so I didn't do it. I have put every effort into restoring my health.
It is a secondary trauma and I went there for an outpatient therapy for another trauma and got worse instead of better...
Wow. Spot on.I know for a fact that not all doctors are good people.
I guess the plus side is nowadays we can complain and get results. If we pursue the matter.
My doctors at my surgery come and go. I have had some lovely doctors but when I got food poisoning I had to see the other doctor and he said I feel weak because I hadn't eaten.
I asked him if there was a nourishment drink I could buy and he said "have what you want".
But it wasn't a all a wasted journey because a drunk man came in and said he was going to hit this elderly lady and I got in the middle. I was glad about that.
Not everyone can complain and get results if you try to pursue it legally. I know I will never be able to get legal justice for the harm I’ve experienced at the hands of psychologists/psychiatrists/doctors in Singapore because I have gone to the state courts there and was told by lawyers that no, there is nothing I can do because the abuse is actively allowed by the law and “the law is the law.” I can complain on a social level but that’s not going to do anything because people already complain there and it does nothing (professionals have too much power).
In Oct of this year, the statue of limitations for seeking a personal injury claim and seeking justice for medical malpractice for my experiences in the USA will happen. I’m already dealing with an estate litigation case in Chicago, and that is extremely expensive to put it lightly - I am not able to legally complain about my mistreatment in the USA. I have gone to many organisations in the USA who are apparently designed to help get US citizens access to low cost/public legal help, remotely, asking for assistance. I have been turned away countless times by these organisations because I don’t live in the USA, even though I am a citizen.
This isn’t just a doctor thing for me, it spans to the majority of professionals.
You are not alone in this and it can happen to anyone, I have trauma from being institutionalized and the dehumanizing way I was treated there. It was a war I endured...The worst feeling is thinking I must be worthless if this could happen to me...the stigma of it. But it can happen to anyone. I’m in the process of releasing the pain
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