Hi everyone. I have been updating on my esketamine (Spravoto) therapy.
I had the last dose one week ago. I've been home for 5 days. I am doing horrible. I am dissociated, very depressed and horribly anxious.
I had a retraumatizing event the day after the last treatment. It was with a group of friends who I thought I belonged to but now I am not so sure. It's totally a repeat of childhood experiences with friends. I've been left feeling very fragile and raw .
I feel like I am such a loser. I feel so lonely 🥺 I am convinced that I will always feel this way. And I have no support or understanding from my husband.
Logic tells me otherwise but I feel like I don't have anything to live for. It's a horrible aching pain!
I could use any kind words that anyone has to offer💚
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BrainIsFull
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Hello BrainIsFull,
I'm sorry things have started off so badly for you.
Was it too soon for you to mix with a group of friends if you had only just returned home? Being back home is a big change.
Can you give yourself time to adjust and get back into your routine? And just focus on what you need right now.
Thanks for your reply, Phoenix.It's good to see you here too😊
I'd say that it was probably not good timing to get together with that group of friends. Actually the whole esketamine experience was poorly timed and executed.
I just listened to a podcast that talked about how vulnerable we are directly after using hallucinogens and I'd say that I am really feeling that right now. It could work both ways, reinforcing a set belief or using the plasticity of the moment to effect change in the synapses.
I'm really afraid that,BC it was so poorly executed, the treatment was not given a chance to actually help. I hope it hasn't made things worse. But in my current state, I am feeling like it has.
What if I am stuck like this now? I'm so afraid.
I'm going to have to make an unplanned trip to the psychiatrist on Monday to discuss options.
I've been working at trying to notice and record anything good/positive to try and shift out of the negative thought loops.
Here's a list: I got a working sunlight lamp (last one NEVER worked so I have never used one until now). I have it turned on now. My coffee is the right temperature today. A group of friends has volunteered to help me clean my house next weekend.
(Unfortunately, looking at the list is making me feel ungrateful 🙄) My brain is holding tight to the negative right now.
I think it is natural to have doubts with the treatment when so many things didn't go to plan. And feeling how you do now, those doubts are reinforced.
Hopefully it is the natural vulnerability following the treatment. Will you be having maintenance doses?
I'm glad you are planning to see your psychiatrist on Monday. He seems to know you well and can respond to your worries. Are you seeing your regular therapist soon?
Are you able to distract your thoughts with a podcast, videos, baking, reading, having a bath? Wouldn't it be great to have a magic sentence to stop thought loops in their tracks! Or even better, a switch.
My thought loops are anxiety ones and I tend to start writing them down on an A4 piece of paper. I am always surprised how much is in my head and how fast they pour out. Is it worth trying that? I switch then into self care and self compassion mode and remove all of my pressures.
Wanting a treatment to work when you have been searching for so long, is bound to bring along a worry that it won't work.
All the distraction techniques that I am trying keep triggering me. Like I listened to a podcast and someone was talking about friends and I immediately compare myself to everyone who has friends and feels secure and my belief that I am alone and abandoned is triggered. So I can't calm my nervous system.
Maybe I need to start a step back and try to calm my nervous system first?
It amazes me our best response is there somewhere, but we just can't see it, because we are in that revolving door of anxious or negative thoughts. (not sure where the revolving door image came from!)
I wasn't sure if I was giving too many suggestions in my last message, but that sometimes helps me realise that I can't do any of them and I need to just pause and calm my system.
I hope you are able to calm your nervous system and then manage to relax.
Your message was extremely helpful to me! Just right!
I am currently working on a "Stress Tolerance skills list " which starts with doing something like smelling something strong.( I did peppermint. ) And the doing a grounding technique (the 5 senses) and moves into something like a word puzzle (which I oddly enough did really well on). Writing in this forum is in the list (I'm doing it RIGHT NOW 😆).
So it's a progressive list that starts with" jarring" your brain before trying to engage it with distraction techniques. I know that this is nothing new but it's important for me to recognize these techniques right now in this time when I need it most.
Hehe, I love the right now in capitals! I haven't heard of the Stress Tolerance skills list. I must check this out.
Before seeing a therapist, I used to try and do the microsoft sudoku as hard a level I could do, to distract me from my anxiety. Could never complete the hardest level! lol
I hadn't thought of word puzzles. I like them usually.
I have only just in the last few weeks found what works for me with grounding. I am not able to use many of my senses as when I am anxious I get sensory overload and thinking is impossible.
I have learned, almost by accident, that for me it is physical touch with items that grounds me. Still learning what helps. It doesn't remove my anxiety, but it helps me limit how far it reaches in public places and allows me to go to a safer place or manage a few minutes somewhere, to get to an appointment. I'm still exploring this, but very excited to have finally find something other than medication. I can also use it when I get home and further calm myself. I am using less diazepam since trying things, which is always a good thing.
I even managed to meet a friend for coffee earlier this week. I last met this friend over a year ago and I was panicking each time, so I stopped meeting. I was mentally exhausted afterwards as several things in the cafe didn't run smoothly, but I coped with things not going to plan and we really had a lovely catch up!
I hope your day moves in the right direction for you 💜
It's evening here now. I managed to make it until now. Trying to breathe and stay in the moment.
Evening time can be difficult, especially on a weekend when I tell myself that everyone else is going out and doing something exciting with their friends and I'm a loser, blah, blah, blah
You know I mentioned IFS therapy to you before? It very much sounds like you have a part who is a critic type part. I know many therapies refer to it as our Inner Critic, but I find that too harsh.
My first self-help book in my 20s by someone call Louise Hay, really helped me start to love my self, even with all of my faults and to speak gently to myself.
I didn't know that I was helping my 'inner critic' be quieter and kinder, but over time it worked. I would catch myself putting my self down, either around work colleagues or friends (who were my colleagues too as I was too socially anxious to meet people outside of work.) and I would pay attention and stop myself. Instead in my head, focussing on something I did like about myself.
Most of it was self talk though, which I managed to stop more and more. And along with that my self confidence and self belief grew.
Are you able to pause when you go to call yourself a loser and replace it with something you like about yourself? Even if it's the same thing over and over, like it was for me. Not 100% of the time, (perfection is overated and puts more pressure on ourselves.) just recognising when you do it.
If evenings are difficult for you, can you have ideas of things to do beforehand. I know not so easy this time of year!
I have a jigsaw puzzle on the go, now it is winter. My first winter in a while, my mind is quiet enough to do one. (Well hopefully.)
Can you do some journalling? I don't know if you like creative stuff, can you do some drawing or something? Can you think about something you maybe want to do in the coming week.
I am not in your situation BIF with depression, so please tell me to shush, if anything I write is more upsetting for you. I had depression in my 30s and I feel very fortunate to have avoided it again.
I also apologise if me mentioning meeting a friend was clumsy of me and tactless. It was only a little while after, I realised it was probably the wrong thing to say.
You're not saying anything wrong at all! I really get a lot out of your posts!
You have great ideas for things to do in the evenings. At the moment I am not able to do much other than try to get by. But I really want to work on my hobbies when I am able.
I understand that feeling. I think we all appreciate any thoughts and ideas because there may be something in there that we've never heard of or thought of. Some posters don't want ideas but more comfort and support and they will say that.
It all comes from a place of caring. I do believe that the community is one where we can let each other know what we need.
I felt like odd man out for many years, knowing meditation helped many here, seeing it recommended everywhere. It's only triggering for me. Finally one day I came across some information that many people who experience CPTSD are triggered by meditation. Huzzah! It's not just me! You can't imagine the relief.
I'm sorry to read the treatment hasn't worked as expected and think it's a good idea to call in on your psychiatrist ASAP. I hope s/he can give you some ideas as to how to proceed.
Your list of positives sounds good, do keep at it!
Funny I was discussing all this with my therapist the other day. Growing up I was excluded and often felt alone never understanding quite why when I had 3 siblings close in age. I'm learning how to get in touch with that lonely little girl and reassure her that nowadays she isn't alone.
Good friends and even my husband who is generally supportive can trigger us. My hubby understands as best he can but he comes from a loving family background and hasn't got much of a clue. So for people like us recovering from trauma it really can be a double whammy.
My therapist suggested I remember those moments when I did feel involved connected and I belonged. There have been plenty of those moments it's just when triggered they all fly out the window.
Looking to reinforce the times when things DID go right is something that I am working on too. But it's not reaching my brain in my current state of mind.
I'm going to look at my list of calming my nervous system. I know that I have my list somewhere but I need to find it.
I felt exactly the same as you when a child. I have 3 sisters and experienced this too. My eldest one was 5 years older so ok, but my 2 younger ones 2 years and 5 years younger teamed up and excluded me completely. I was very alone and bereft.
I'm so glad you do have those moments when things went well for you BrainIsFull and I'm sure you'll have many more. The potential is there. I hope you find a way of calming and dwelling on those positive times you've had.
It is now Sunday evening. I have made it through to now.
Today was a little less painful than yesterday.
I was able to complete some things today, baking cookies with my kids and some basic decorations for Christmas.
Tomorrow I will be at the psychiatrist's office as soon as they open and advocate for myself to get help. Not sure what he'll recommend 🤷🏼♀️
Anyway, I have gotten some incredible support here in the past few months! Thank you so much! We all can try to give back with some constructive advice or just be empathetic, whenever we're able. I know that I am not always able to, depending on my state of mind. But I suppose it's just a matter of giving what you can, when you're able.
Bottom line: thank you for this forum and the people in it!💚💚💚
Hi everyone, I just wanted to send a quick update.
I have a good meeting with my psychiatrist and then my therapist. My therapist confirmed my feelings that the esketamine Therapy I got was not administered in a helpful way (with essentially NO help with processing what was going on).
Neither my psych or the therapist were surprised that I am having a really hard time now that I am home. The doctor said he doesn't want to change my medication at this point BC I have only been on it for a short time. He prescribed something for anxiety. I forget the name right now. Plus Travor as needed.
I feel better today than yesterday but I am still very fragile.
I'm speechless! Processing, the most important part wasn't handled. How horrible is this?!?!?
It's good to know what did, and is, happening but my heart breaks for you BIF. I'm so glad you are feeling a bit better. This will take awhile I'm assuming?
This happened to me once, I was sent to an " impartial" psychiatrist for an evaluation. I spent almost 2 hours with him digging through my story. He was kind but when his job was done he wished me luck and out the door I went. I got in the car and immediately crashed. Flashbacks with frightening changes in them etc. it was a disaster and all because he didn't close the session with some time to process.
You have been so wonderful to share your story. Thank you for allowing us to be part of your journey. I hope each day you begin to feel better.
The hospital really only administered the medication and took my blood pressure every 20 minutes 🤷🏼♀️ Not really what the therapy is supposed to be like at all! 😖
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