just joined today

[alliswell777]

Hi just wanted to introduce myself a little bit............  I know I have PTSD,  Had a counselor back in the day who really helped, but I have been an empty nester for almost two years, being alone is hell, and has retrigged my PTSD..........  a counselor who deals with men and women who have been abused, said to me my children are retriggering my PTSD.  It really made sense to me. They are wonderful kids, but are damaged like me... I believe they are using to cover the pain, and it brakes my heart everyday.  I am back to beating myself up (which started with my mother, and my mother is a topic I cant talk about right now, to painful right now) that its my fault they are wounded. I have 4 children,  2 kids from 2 marriages... both abusive ex husband... I am so sorry that I married men who were abuse and my children suffered because of it.... I feel horrible that I chose abuse fathers for my children, I cant undo that but ugggg   Been having terrible nightmares,  had them last night, and this morning uggg   The FEAR of everything is Soooooooooooooo overwhelming.... the depression etc.......... I have somewhere to go this morning and I'm so scared, and a counceling session this afternoon.... I cant believe I'm back to this constant fear again,  Don't trust anyone or myself.... because of my past choices.... I joined to get help, but it is scary to even share here... it is also scary because when I try something new to heal and it doesn't help it sends me deeper into hopelessness... and I'm always looking for help, bc I cant live like this anymore....   one more thing,  from my mother, to a jesus freak cult, to abuse relationship, all have instilled in me my worthlessness...... etc......  also my gfs remember what my mother was like and my constant stomach  problems ... a boyfriend when I was 24 told me I beat myself up all the time (I don't remember) another bf after the 2 ex's  told me "you put so much pressure on yourself"  really??? don't remember that either.... ok enough for now   thanks

[Hidden]

Welcome, alliswell. That's an interesting choice of user names. I understand your feelings. I have C-PTSD also. I freak out less and less now, but in the beginning it was an all day, all night freak out fest. I still struggle to heal but it is getting better, and I hope it will get better for you. Coming here was a good choice. It is safe here.

[alliswell777 in reply to Hidden]

hi healingartist, I chose alliswell, bc its what my counselor used to say a lot  back in the day ... she was amazing... back then I really healed... but I seem to have missed placed the tools she gave me uggg ;(   hoping to love myself again and feel safe, never did as a child or throughout life.

[Hidden]

Welcome, alliswell! I'm glad you feel comfortable sharing, and you'll meet a lot of people on this forum who really "get it." I agree with HealingArtist - you're safe here!

[Equis-Canine Volunteer]

Welcome all is well.  I'm glad you found us and decided to connect.  Sorry you are feeling so raw.  We have all been there and do understand.

[gendarme12]

Hang in there, & you will find a very supportive forum here.

~peace 

[alliswell777]

thanks everyone for the welcome