This is a venting post. It contains some potentially upsetting info:
I am so tired of being stuck with rage toward the people who abused me: teachers at a school where I was a boarding student. They are still out there. One of them is in the process of having his teaching credentials revoked after my complaint to the licensing department and a letter of confession he wrote me, which I sent on to them. He admitted to having sex with me, but could not for the life of him understand why I was upset. Really, this is what he said. And he continues to hold three State of California issued teaching credentials, two for Special Ed! I have a mild developmental disability that was not diagnosed at the time (There was no diagnosis then.) I am now in the process of waiting for an administrative appeal this teacher has made after the Teacher Credentialling agency voted to revoke his licenses, and I will likely have to go and testify.
The other so called "teachers" at this rat-hole excuse for an alternative school, which is still in existence, now defrauding the taxpayers of the state by claiming non-profit status as a school when there has been no school there for almost 20 years, (I can only imagine what actually goes on there now, and it's hard for me to think of it as a school at all, given the way the place was run when I was there, even with out the abuse part. ) They are lawyers, a doctor, prominent business people, and one is on the board of supervisors of un-said county. They knew at time that this teacher was sexually abusing me, and at least two of them also raped me on one occasion after getting me drunk. I had just turned 17.
They damaged my brain, as I know now. It caused very serious dissociation, and I can only remember fragments of the whole thing now, which I am both thankful for, but at the same time it is frustrating to have big chunks of my memory missing, and other experiences were washed down the drain with it.
But the worst thing is that my brain seems to have a permanently hot-wired rage circuit. I have gone to plenty of therapists, doctors etc. I had EMDR treatment which did help enormously. I no longer feel self-loathing, and I don't over-react about things in the present any more, and those were really big problems before. But still I get overwhelmed with murderous rage toward these people, over and over, and can't make it stop, although some days are trouble free.
There are so few people to talk to and the thing is so big. I could not even consciously recall or think about the entire experience for 35 years and have had complex PTSD since about 2001 when it started to surface very slowly. It is much better now. I am much better now. But, still, ...
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BearTree
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I get the rage at those who brought on the PTSD often. I am working on this too. You wrote something--- permanently hot-wired rage circuit.' So descriptive. I identify exactly.
I feel my brain has been damaged so badly that it now has this wired in, as you describe.
Fantastic that EMDR helped enormously. I will try to do that.
Are you still doing it? Can you keep doing it now?
Yeah, I get murderous rage at the people who caused the PTSD. or people who are similar to those who first caused it in the present day, and I think it scares people.
This amount of rage, but I guess it is normal in PTSD when we are talking about our survival that was at stake when it developed. And then any trigger that is similar sets it off.
Ativan and meditation and therapy are what I do for now. Go to the mountain. Excellent to hear EMDR helped enormously. Keep doing it!
I feel your rage and there is certain legitimacy to it. I recently tried Alchemic Hypnotherapy. It was really powerful. And I too have been through 12 years of therapy without much success.
Firstly, congratulations on having found the strength to confront and report this person. It must have taken a lot. I know rage can help overcome obstacles, and I wish you enough strength to continue your fight My son has a learning disability and was failed badly by several schools, the frustration of getting these things addressed is immense, and did not help my condition, having to fight for both of us. I hope by the end of your campaign against this so- called school that you will finally be able to let go of the pain and anger. it took me 20 years after my husband's suicide to shake off all the damage he did to me, but I have succeeded, and I hope you will eventually be able to put the traumas behind you. I don't say forget, because none of us can do that, but be able to look forward to the rest of your life with confidence.
Thanks for your replies everyone. Am feeling better today, and it helps a lot to feel heard here about things non-traumatized people just can't absorb.
I understand where you are coming from re memory I lost a lot of mine and was told its my subconscious protecting me from a trauma that happened this is also to do with my PTSD I am sure. I now just let my memories come and go as I don't really know if the memories that do come arevreal or imagination !so I treat those that I can not confirm are true memories ,as day dreams /nightmares. Please do not try to remember things let them come to you in their own time it saves a lot of pain
I wanted to finish this from my perspective which would be from my experiences...but still, it happened! It hurt, it still hurts, they were abusers of the worst Kind, they deserve the karma truck to run then over and then back over them but not quite kill them, I want them to lay on the road for weeks writhing in the worst pain possible...
I could go on and on, I feel such anger towards them.
I know you were just venting but I felt like I wanted to validate your experience as real. In my memory gaps I wondered from time to time if my own experiences were real because there were parts I couldn't remember. It was when I got into therapy and began learning more I discovered the brain had a way of protecting me through dissociation and that is why I couldn't remember parts of what I went through or if I did then I had no feelings attached to the memory.
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