It's been two years since something happened that was so devastating the utter SHOCK of what happened is as horrific today as it was two years ago. It has changed me so deeply that I can never go back to being the person I was. I've had PTSD counselling, been praised for being pro-active in joining so many local social groups. I mentor a young person who isn't coping in life and I do a lot of voluntary work. All this keeps me busy and I get some enjoyment out of life. But the tsunami of tears is never far away. I can't talk about what happened anymore. You'd have thought after two years I could manage to do that A BIT. But as soon as I go to talk, my eyes well up, I take a deep deep breath and basically I just cant talk about it. I can't go there.
I often get what I call "plate glass episodes". I'm walking along, enjoying the sunshine, looking forward to whatever I'm going to be doing that day, when suddenly -- WHAM -- a memory comes into my brain and the shock that memory has on me crucifies me. PTSD counselling didn't help one jot. I was grateful for being able to sit with someone trained in the utter devastation trauma can bring and I finished my course in the belief the memory of what happened would "ease up" as time went by. That I had to keep busy, to remember I have a life to live which WOULD get easier but to be patient and not sit and dwell on what might have been. All of this I've faithfully done. But the utter shock of what happened, the way it happened, is as vivid today as it was all that time ago.
I've read that you should forgive people who've hurt you, no matter what they've done, because while you carry around anger and unforgiveness it will continue to eat you up. People say it's like drinking poison yourself and expecting the other person to die. But how the hell can you forgive someone who has totally, utterly ruined your life? So I'm supposed to say: " I can never forget what you did, and although your cruelty towards me continues unrelentlessly I still forgive you for ruining my life".