Finally Diagnosed

[sugar-pants]

It was June 9th,....I'm so happy we have a diagnosis now. They have started treatment & I hope I will be on the mend soon. I still have a lot of work ahead of me tho. PTSD doesn't come overnight & doesn't leave after a diagnosis.

The only part that's difficult, is I wished my Dad was here so I could have told him personally. He passed April 1st, and I'm having to differentiate the mourning I do for him, alongside the PTSD.

He's been my rock, along with other family members & friends, but the fact that I was his primary caregiver the last 5 years, he saw a lot of my tears, fears and upset. But he never wanted me to be scared. He would pray for me, say the rosary for me, talk with me endlessly and made sure I knew I was loved and would always be daddy's little girl. He would tell all his physcians that I was his guardian angel. Bc I never once let my PTSD interfere with his doctors appointments, therapy or filling his medications properly.

So I choose to think, maybe he had a hand in this....possibly asking God to help me. Sure do miss him.

Grateful daughter to have had the most loving tender guidance a father could give.

I'm seriously trying to count blessings since my diagnosis, bc I was so deep into despair, the little relief I've had since June 9th, to me is a small miracle. Still have some fear, that I may take steps backwards, bc I am mourning my dear father.

Kind regard,

Sugar-pants

[AnyaC]

I'm soooo sorry!!! Losing a precious loved one, one as supportive and encouraging and loving as your father, is always terribly hard. It takes time....

I applaud your ability to do what needed to be done to care for him in spite of the PTSD. That's wonderful that you were able to ease his last days... <3

Getting the diagnosis is a huge step forward in our own understanding of what's wrong with us. Having that light go on in our brains is amazing... and now the work begins. Be kind to yourself, give yourself time to grieve. There's no limit to the amount of time it may take to work through it, to come to grips with it, so don't limit yourself. Give yourself permission to do what you need to do for yourself right now.

Sending hugs and love to you! <3

[sugar-pants in reply to AnyaC]

Thank you so much for your warm kind words. I am trying to separate the tears for my Dad from the hell I've been in these past few years.

I refuse to let the PTSD take away the time I need to grieve my sweet father. Oh I miss him so!!

Thanks again,

Warm regards,

Sugar-pants

[AnyaC in reply to sugar-pants]

(((hugs)))) I wish I could deliver those hugs in person, but the virtual route will have to do. Just consider yourself hugged, Sugar-pants! <3

[Equis-Canine Volunteer]

I'm so sorry about the passing of your father. He sounds like he was a wonderful father. Never forget that he will always live in your heart. Be kind to yourself as your mourn and heal. Don't worry about taking a step or two backwards, just keep pointing yourself in the right direction and stay on the healing path.

Big hugs

[sugar-pants in reply to Equis-Canine]

Thank you. I do feel he's still with me. I appreciate you taking the time to write a post to me.

Big hugs to you too!

[Hidden]

Stumbling backwards is not the same as taking steps backwards. It takes much less time to recover from stumbling than it does from something like self-sabotage. Keep doing what you're doing. You're rocking along just fine.

[sugar-pants]

Thank you! That was a great visual!

I'm doing the best I can with the PTSD, all the while getting flashbacks on the very last day with my Dad. He was very cognitive, no memory loss....so he tried to tell me something while in the hospital. He was on a mission bc he would want everyone to clear his room, except me. He was frantically trying to tell me something, by lifting his oxygen mask off, waving me closer to him, & whispering to me. At the time, I had no clue. I found out later. He was very upset & frantic about 2 grandchildren that paid him a visit the night before. They never saw him during his healthy days when he was at home.

It's a crying shame. But he wanted to tell me something, & being his daughter, he still was trying to tell me by protecting me, all the way to his death bed. The people who orchestrated this charade, did no one any favors. Very disappointed in the people, & I REFUSE TO LET THEM TAKE ANY TIME AWAY FROM ME, MOURNING MY SWEET FATHER.

Just another day of healing.

Kind regards,

Sugar pants