What an amusing game I play inside my head. I wrote and submitted - thanks to the help and guidance of people on this forum! - a juried application to a summer writing workshop in Western Canada. We were to have heard from them whether we made it or not by "mid April." It is mid-April and I have heard nothing. In my head, I have already been rejected and I am making alternate plans. I am grieving. I am scared. "See, I am not good enough… it is too late to even try… I will never be accepted back into the world of writers…, etc., etc. ad infinitum. Such hooey. The result will be what it is and I will hear back when it is ready. And if I am not accepted, there may be a dozen reasons that have nothing to do with the quality of my writing or my value as a person and everything to do with politics or their metrics or some mysterious selection process I will never know about. So the game my head plays amuses me. I have no idea which way it will go but to stay in control I have pre-judged the outcome and churn about it inside my head and of course the outcome and what it says about me is negative and irreparable. Our past abusers do not need to be in the room to destroy us. We are often more than capable of continuing their work without them. Such hooey.
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