Waiting

What an amusing game I play inside my head. I wrote and submitted - thanks to the help and guidance of people on this forum! - a juried application to a summer writing workshop in Western Canada. We were to have heard from them whether we made it or not by "mid April." It is mid-April and I have heard nothing. In my head, I have already been rejected and I am making alternate plans. I am grieving. I am scared. "See, I am not good enough… it is too late to even try… I will never be accepted back into the world of writers…, etc., etc. ad infinitum. Such hooey. The result will be what it is and I will hear back when it is ready. And if I am not accepted, there may be a dozen reasons that have nothing to do with the quality of my writing or my value as a person and everything to do with politics or their metrics or some mysterious selection process I will never know about. So the game my head plays amuses me. I have no idea which way it will go but to stay in control I have pre-judged the outcome and churn about it inside my head and of course the outcome and what it says about me is negative and irreparable. Our past abusers do not need to be in the room to destroy us. We are often more than capable of continuing their work without them. Such hooey. :-)

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  • My mind plays the same games.

    "A turkey gave me a funny look - it means I'm gonna die"

    Can I find another view?

    "a turkey gave me a funny look - he thinks my wings are scrawny and featherless".

    When I know it's just a story it's easier to let it go if it looks too far-fetched. I wish my mind didn't do this but it does.

    After some bad nightmares last night it's doing it a lot today. At least I can see the links - bad night leads to bad day, don't chase the black rabbits!

  • Love this! Thanks ChilliDawg. You made me smile. How we come to our insights isn't half as important as the fact that we have them. "Turkey gave me a funny look." lol! Sorry about your scrawny and featherless wings. ;-)

  • I hate waiting! Argh! Yes, I'll go through scenarios just like you did. Good for you to figure out that there may be lots of reasons for not hearing that have nothing to do with you! :)

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