It's that time of the year again! Nope, not the holiday season, the anniversary season! Hooray!
Ugh...
This time of the year, is always just so exhausting. I feel like I can't keep up. I am in a constant state of fear that I'm going to breakdown in the middle of something important. I fear that I'm going to experience a flashback, and it will take me back to that place, and I will be unable to get out. All I want to do is stay in my bed, where I feel safe, and I can just forget. I find myself being pulled back to my bed where I fall asleep, or watch Netflix for hours on end, just so I can stop thinking. When I'm out of the house, I just feel so vulnerable.
To add to all the stress I'm already dealing with inside my head, I am a senior in college, trying her best to finish all of her graduating requirements. I have no motivation, especially this term, and I feel like I'm just always falling behind. I've been trying my best to ask for help, but it feels like nothing is going to make things any better. I'm still going to have those thoughts no matter how many classes I miss, or how many extensions I have for assignments. I'm still going to be experiencing flashbacks on a daily basis, no matter how many times I go to therapy.
I just want it all to stop.
Will it ever stop?
When the anniversary season passes, will it get better?
It's just going to come back around next year.
And maybe it will be even worse.
It feels like every year it gets worse and worse, because every year another trauma seems to happen again. Someone dies, someone gets hurt, another overdose, another accident, when will it all stop?
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puppypancakes3
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Is it necessary for you to give this time the pleasant word of ‘anniversary’? This pulls your thoughts right back to where you don’t want them to be.
May I suggest you turn this season around? Do something completely different. Next year is a celebration of what you did this year. You’ve created a worm hole that sucks you in every year. Now create something new. Tell everyone what you’re doing. At these crossroads you’re changing the rest of your life. Close that other wormhole. Stop thinking of ‘flashbacks’ and know they are memories. Memories fade. The word flashback gives it too much power. Take it back.
I'm trying. I never choose to have those flashbacks. They just sporadically occur. Something triggers them, and I am simply unaware of when or why they will occur. I always used to refer to them as memories, but the thing is, they aren't just memories. Everytime these instances occur, I feel what I felt when the trauma occurred, I vividly see everything in a short moment. It's not a memory but a nightmare.
Wording is very important. I refuse to call them flashbacks although they can hit me in the gut and double me over. I was in the grocery store and taking a can off-the-shelf when the vision of one of my patients in the ER came to me so hard I sat down on the floor in the middle of the aisle. It’s a memory. it might be a body memory and a mind memory but it’s a memory and I refuse to call it a flashblack or it holds more power over me. What I vocalize is power.
I guess you can call it whatever you want. My MD and therapists call it a flashback.
I certainly have many bad "memories" from my job.
But, I also have trauma from events that I'm still processing. Flashbacks is the term the medical profession uses when referring to PTSD. At least everyone I've encountered and every article I've read etc.
Trauma will have power over you until you process it correctly.
I understand. I’m just saying it’s one way I personally take my power back from them. The rapists are a memory. I’ll give them no more. They try to take more but I’m just trying to show a coping skill I’ve learned to bring down the trauma to drama so I can process it better. You do it as it works for you. It’s a suggestion; a coping skill taught that helps some people. That’s all.
I totally understand. I go through anniversary reactions all the time.
I did find that EMDR and therapy has helped me. The last two years when anniversary dates arrive I have been able to see the traumas differently. It took lots of therapy to give them less power over me. Flashbacks are less now too.
You need an EMDR certified therapist. They walk you through your traumas. You talk about the trauma and your feelings. It helps desensitize you to the trauma. It allowed me to be more " settled" with the events I've been through.
While you are talking they use hand movement that you follow with your eyes. Some people here have mentioned the use of lights. Idk anything about that.
Check out you tube. It gives you the visual of what happens during the therapy. I know a lot of people here have done it.
The flashbacks and memories are terrifying. I keep my dog close to me and she makes me feel safer. I have explained what is happening to my family and learned that my brother also has PTSD. I shared what I have learned with my husband and he now watches for possible triggers on my behalf. He has identified risky situations in time to keep me away from them.
I vent here. I have a good therapist. I understand that this is a slow process, but there is progress.
The thing(s) that caused the PTSD has already happened. The physical wounds have healed and scarred over. That part is done. The nightmares and flashbacks are horrible, but there are no wounds after an occurrence. No hospital visits, no crutches or braces needed.
So, when we face these terrors, we can reassure ourselves on that score.
The worst is over. We SURVIVED the worst. We are strong enough to face what comes next. We are strong enough to keep healing.
I feel for you. I know sometimes life seems overwhelming. Anniversary times are just hard and sometimes just good enough is enough. I think the hardest thing for me is to give myself the permission to just do enough to get by. Nothing more. If I do the bare minimum during difficult times it is a victory.
If I reach out to healthy people, and be honest with them or ask for help then it helps. I recently had a friend of mine call me in tears. She was having a real hard time and needed someone to listen to her. I listened and asked if there was something I could help with that would feel like I was supporting her efforts. I have her the option for me to help her. She luckily had something that I could help. I felt good helping and she felt supported. It was a win-win.
I always think that I have to do it all alone, but usually this is not the case. I do not want to burden anyone with my problems but that is just my low self esteem talking. Schools are great places to ask for help. There is usually many resources to tap into there. I hope you can find a place to get support.
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I can't proceed my trauma. I feel like i'm going insane. My body and mind are agonizing. Plus ghost ocd 
I ran into my abuser today and now I'm a complete mess. *trigger warnings*
Glum Today 
The most wonderful time of the year !? 😁 🤔 😪
