Heal My PTSD
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Being okay

Being okay

I had to learn a very hard lesson recently and that is being okay with not being a fixer. When my world crashed after the trauma, I felt like I needed to be the fixer trying patch everything and everyone up so that they would be okay with my diagnosis. Who does that? Finally after having another relapse a few days ago, I had to let everything go. Why try to be a fixer when no one took the time to be a comfort to me. I'm not being petty but real. Is this new? No I tried to be a fixer many years and would collapse under pressure. The preacher last night confirmed through his sermon," don't fix it, let it go." I got the message.

This morning I'm being okay with letting it go. This morning I turned my back to a situation that I am not going the fix. As they say, I'm letting go and letting God.

2 Replies

This is fantastic PoeticOvercomer. I love the quote at the top and it's so encouraging and comforting to read your post.

I've always put myself under SO MUCH pressure my entire life since I was a young child. I've never been quite sure why but feeling the need to be the fixer sure sounds on target. Everything was so wrong. Everyone was so wrong that I felt the innate need to fix it and make it as right as possible.

I carry this high stakes/high pressure energy with me in every facet of life. I know that's why I make my job more stressful than it has to be even down to being stressed driving....I'm always so worried about everyone else and "being in the way".

I was able to let go of the abusive side of my family many years ago having realized there was never any hope of fixing them or the toxic dynamics. But now that I've reconnected with my one sane aunt I always loved, short of a miracle, she has terminal cancer so I feel so guilty for the wasted time. Rationally know I had no choice because she always maintained contact with and defended my abusive father (her brother) at the time I most desperately needed to break away from the abusive cycle and see it for what it was. She always stayed in and enabled the insanity. I know she did this bc she felt it was her familial duty but I had to protect me.

Anyway, sorry for rambling, that was way off topic! I love reading your words and conclusion of letting go and letting God...that's exactly the space I've been trying to exist in and try to pray and be more aware on a day to day basis to let go to relieve this unbearable burden and pressure I needlessly place on myself.

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Yes I think a fault of mine is trying to take too much responsiblity for everyone and everything. Today I just let that go a little bit.

Someone was having an irrational outburst because of something minor that had happened; I just left the situation and let them cool down; I didn't try and fix it or make them better or even feel responsible or stay in the environment of their angry mood; i just left the situation.

I am gradually learning that I need to stop "fixing" and engage in a little self protection. That doesn't mean I have to stop being a kind person; just that I don't keep exposing myself to rescuing others apologising for the way others feel or trying to make them stop feeling bad things when it isn't even my fault.

It is important to be more aware of my own needs and to understand that it is valid and right that other people respect and aknowledge me as a person of value just as I do them.

Another way of putting that is going from a submissive and inferior position to one of equality.

Gemma X


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